Dating Out of Your League

December 10th, 2013 by Nick Notas 13 Comments

She's Out of My League

“No way, she’s out of my league!”

I wish I never had to hear this again.

I loathe the concept of a “league”. It’s destructive to your self-esteem and dating success. Yet the mainstream media, your family, and even you yourself perpetuate this idea.

Since everyone loves to use this as an excuse, I figured I should teach men the secret to dating women out of their “league”.

These so-called “leagues” are skin deep

When you claim a woman is out of your league, I bet you’re basing it on physical attractiveness. You disqualify yourself based on appearances alone.

You’re telling yourself looks are the only thing that matters – and that’s a terribly narrow view on people and relationships.

What if she shared no common interests with you? What if she was a horrible person? What if she didn’t care about anyone? What if she was always dishonest? What if she was selfish, immature, and insecure?

Would none of these things make a difference to you?

You have to see past her as an object. You’re placing her on a pedestal and idealizing her when you have no clue who she really is.

She’s a human with her own issues, faults, and baggage. Just because she’s pretty does not mean she’s perfect. Beauty is only a small piece of the puzzle.

While I won’t lie that physical attraction is important to me, it isn’t the most important quality I look for. Beauty is commonplace – I can walk into any packed bar, mall, or park and see dozens of girls that I’d consider attractive. Internal qualities like respect, kindness, and self-esteem are much more rare and precious.

Those qualities take days, weeks, or months to discover. And it often takes being intimate to allow partners to open up and start sharing their true selves.

When you stop judging women by their appearance, you’ll stop placing them out of your league.

We all have our own idea of what’s attractive

We have individual preferences that vary widely. We weigh qualities based on how we specifically value them. We’re humans, not pre-programmed machines.

Usually when guys say, “she’s out my league”, it’s before they’ve even talked to her or gone out on a date. To make that call, you’d have to know exactly what she wants in a partner. The truth is…

You have no idea what she’s looking for!

Is it physical attractiveness? Strength? Money? Confidence? Social influence? Sense of humor? Education? Intellect? Religious values? Moral compass?

Looks aren’t the end-all be-all, especially for women. There are many qualities that make an attractive man.

I’ve witnessed an overweight construction worker married to one of the hottest women I’ve ever seen. I have a 5’5” friend who dates gorgeous girls that tower over him. I’ve coached clients of all types and personalities to date women they find attractive. And I’ve spoken with hundreds of women over the years who all have various tastes in men.

You can’t eliminate yourself before you even know what she wants. Which leads me to…

Different preferences are just different – not better or worse

We all have our own personalities, interests, and goals. That’s what makes us individuals.

If you approach a woman and she’s not interested, don’t take it personally. It’s not a reflection of your self-worth. It’s not a rejection from all women or from certain “leagues”. It’s simply a declaration that you aren’t compatible with this one person.

It is literally impossible to hit it off with everyone and nor should you try. That’s a desperate, needy mindset endlessly chasing validation.

Seek out and invest in people who are compatible with you. Think about how she fits your preferences:

Does she have the qualities you desire? Does she share similar values? Is she someone you can respect and admire?

Set standards for yourself. Because if you don’t, you’re going to jump at the first person who shows you any interest — regardless if they’re right for you. That leads to unhappy, dead-end connections.

You’re the only one holding yourself back

So you see girls and decide they’re out of your league. Because of that, you don’t pursue them and nothing comes to fruition.

Then why not take those chances?

If these leagues exist, it won’t work out and you’ll end up in the same spot anyway. But if you’re wrong, you’ll experience success for yourself and those limiting beliefs will be destroyed.

I take clients out every week who’ve accepted they’re destined to loneliness or low-quality women.

Sometimes they approach a girl and strike out. But then I remind them that there are more innings and games to play. That even the greatest batters in history struck out often. Still, they kept stepping up to the plate and swinging at every opportunity that came their way.

Ted Williams Baseball

Ted Williams, who has one of the highest batting averages in history, struck out 709 times.

I convince them to continue approaching and what happens? They swing again and suddenly….home run! Their facial expression turns to awe as an “out of their league” woman shows them interest. I can only imagine it’s like winning the World Series for the first time.

At that moment, they realize that these leagues never existed in the first place. It was their own fear and nothing more.

The only requirements for dating are to be human and to participate. Registration is always open. It’s your turn to sign up.

Play ball.

Want to hit it off with more women? Let me be your coach.

  1. Nate on December 10, 2013

    What you said about “beauty is commonplace” really resonated with me. Even though it’s all around us, it still seems so unattainable. I really feel like this whole thing requires a big mindset change and it’s going to help me a lot.

    • Nick Notas on December 10, 2013

      It definitely requires a change in mindset. You need to consciously remind yourself to look past looks.

      Build a habit of figuring out who she is. What are her values/passions/interests and how does she fit with what you want? AKA, be genuinely interested in other people.

  2. Grant on December 10, 2013

    Finally I have an article to send my friend. He always says this shit and it drives me nuts.

    The only girls hes dated initiated first and then he’s never that into them. I told him he needs to be proactive. Maybe this will convince him!

    • Nick Notas on January 5, 2014

      I hope it does! Dating becomes so much more satisfying when you take charge.

  3. UncrackedBalls on December 17, 2013

    What’s your opinion on dating people “under your league”? How can you say if one is out of your league, in your league, or below your league?

    You have a very nice and informative blog here. Will visit frequently.

    • Nick Notas on January 5, 2014

      I wouldn’t necessarily view them as under your league. Instead, just aim to find out who they are. Then see if they are someone you want to connect with…

      Do they share similar values? Do you feel like you could get along? Are you excited to spend time with them? Do you find them attractive? Etc.

      If there answers are yes, then they are “in your league”. If not, then focus on finding someone who is.

  4. Sandy on December 18, 2013

    Physical beauty can attract many people but inner beauty will make them love you. I always believe that over time physical beauty won’t last but inner beauty will make you stand from the rest and will last until you grow old.

    • Nick Notas on January 5, 2014

      Definitely Sandy. While it is important to be physically attracted to the person you’re with, it’s not everything. And if it’s someone you plan to be with for the rest of your life, their external beauty will inevitably change. But inner beauty will not only remain but continue to flourish.

  5. Michael on December 19, 2013

    @sandy i agree with you i think physical beauty is of importance but what really matters is inner beauty people should not be cunning who cheats you.

  6. Marie on February 2, 2014

    I found this article while research what it means to “date out of your league.” I was saddened recently to learn that a man I’d met awhile ago decided not to date me because I was too “out of his league or level” to date me. His friends told me, he never did. Someone told me he may have been intimidated by my career success (which made me think I need to be more self aware of how I come across to men). Was it my work? My lifestyle? My home? My income? Who knows. What all men fail to realize is that deep down inside none of that stuff matters, at least it shouldn’t to a woman. I have a home, I have a nice job, I don’t need a man for any of that “stuff.” What is missing is a special man who can provide love, acceptance, safety, humor, affection, emotional connection, etc. And yet, I don’t have that in my life even though most people would look at me and say “wow, what a successful woman you are!”

    If men keep self-selecting themselves out because they think they won’t be enough, they fail to realize they in fact could just be everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. And wouldn’t it be refreshing for a guy to know I don’t need or want him for his money or superficial stuff? I don’t care about that stuff. I don’t care about the restaurant he takes me to. Or where he lives, or the care he drives, or the clothes he wears. I care about the time we share getting to know one another, to see if we’re compatible, if we have shared values, can get along, can laugh and cry with one another, can communicate openly and honestly with. A man who opts out too soon may never see past his own pre-judgment.

    I’m even more saddened when I think about the dating pool of good, decent men out there who are opting themselves out of women’s lives because they think they’re not enough, for whatever reason. When you take away the facade of material stuff, perceived accomplishments and achievements, etc. all we’re really left with are values and experiences, aren’t we? Shouldn’t those be enough to level the playing field (pardon the pun)?

    But for every man who opts out, there is a woman who also misses out. Go on a date. Go on another date. If she sees something in you and likes you, then believe her, instead of your own doubting self-perception.

    I’m thinking of all of us who are missing out on the opportunity to find lasting meaning in a relationship that has nothing to do with looks, money, or stuff. There’s a reason why money can’t buy the things that matter in life: that’s because they’re priceless.

    • Mark on February 6, 2014

      Marie, that was one of the most warm and beautifully encouraging things I have read on that subject. I love that you talk about how the guy who devalues his own worth also hurts the woman who misses getting to know him.

      To me the concept of “out of my league” is a failure in how we value ourselves. If we think in terms of looks, money, fame, etc. we can see that other’s have more than we do and we can never measure up. But if we think in terms of courage, honesty, trust, warmth and vulnerability, there really is no one who is unattainable or beyond our capacity to connect with.

      The guy you mentioned who you were sad to see disqualify himself was judging himself based on the wrong criteria. So in that way he was not in your league. I know you feel sad because you see that if he could see himself the way you see him, he would feel much more comfortable with himself and comfortable being with you. Imagine what would happen if he came to you and simply said “you are beautiful, successful and established and I find that very attractive but also it scares the hell out of me.” If you responded to him with words like you wrote in your post I have to believe he would realize that you saw him in a very different way. For him to come and expose his fear would require a lot of courage but wouldn’t it be worth it for both of you?

      I truly believe vulnerability is the single most important thing in connecting with another person. We can all see why he was scared to date you. But because he would not share his shame with you it robbed you of the opportunity to show him that none of that mattered to you. The most amazing thing happens when people open up and share with each other in a courageous way. As you would have explained to him, the parts of him you valued, he would find a whole new side of you that was beautiful, and he would find a whole new side of himself that was beautiful.

      To continue with the baseball analogy, I believe that until you have walked up to the most beautiful woman you know and told her exactly what you find beautiful, and what you find scary about her, you haven’t even been up to the plate. If you don’t tell her those things, you have not even given yourself a chance to strike out. You didn’t really even swing the bat. You just disqualified yourself and went home. That’s not striking out.

      If I could ask all the guys to just be open and tell the most beautiful girl they know three things. 1) What they find attractive about her. 2) What they find intimidating about her. 3) What they think might make them not “in her league”, with no excuses or explanation. Doing these things is hard and terrifying. But I promise the results will be amazing. You will become a different person when you see how she reacts.

    • Sue on March 1, 2014

      So spot on Marie. I am so tired of hearing the “out of my league” line. It’s just an excuse. We want to know the decent men not the arrogant slimy ones who are always the only ones to approach you. I’ve lost count of the number of what could have been great relationships I’ve missed out on because somebody has thought I was “out of their league”. Men I have really cared for as friends first but who confessed to me months sometimes years after that they felt I was too out of their league to do something about their feelings. One guy took ten years and I had by that stage moved away. I wish someone would sky write that there is no such thing but in the meantime I’m going to spread this terrifc article.

      Thank you for giving us hope that there are some men out there who are not intimidated or too scared to try just because a woman is attractive. It gets so depressing to watch my friend get more decent guys than me because they feel she is easier to approach. I usually get stuck with the loud, obnoxious friend :( If you think it undervalues your self confidence to be rejected how do you think it makes us feel when you don’t even try ?

      Thanks for a sensible approach. Please guys, spread the word. The “out of your league” thing is just a myth

  7. rahma on July 22, 2014

    what is interesting is that men think of women as ‘out of their league’ based on beauty. But what about social circle? What does a confident guy think of women who aren’t from his social status, lifestyle or jut different. I guess what i am asking is what kind of women attracts the confident men?