nicknotas

DATING AND CONFIDENCE CONSULTANT

Stop Making Excuses For Your Abusive Girlfriend

July 26th, 2018 by Nick Notas 6 Comments

Dealing with abuse

I’ve been helping guys with their relationship woes for a long time.

It may surprise you, but the number of men I’ve talked to that have been in abusive relationships is staggering.

Abuse is defined as: “treating (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.”

Sadly, I’ve heard men make every excuse possible to justify their abusive relationships. They use any means necessary to downplay how much their partner mistreats them. They believe, as men, they’re supposed to just suck it up and not be wimps.

Often, they deny they’re in an abusive relationship altogether. They say their partner doesn’t hurt them physically so therefore it can’t be abusive.

If your partner regularly insults you, humiliates you, puts you down, controls your life, emotionally manipulates you, gaslights you, threatens you, stonewalls you, shames you, lies to you, or cheats on you…

You might be in an abusive relationship.

Women aren’t the only victims

Man upset, maybe crying

I’m so grateful for all the progress we’re making against sexual harassment, assault, and rape against women. These criminals in high positions needed to be taken down. And it’s clear many women’s accusations have been ignored for too long.

But in the midst of all this, I feel like the younger generation is instilling a fear of men. Guys are being painted as degenerate monsters waiting to prey on their next female victim.

Almost no one talks about the men who get abused by women in relationships. A female perpetrator seems ridiculous because this abuse is often emotional and gets overlooked because it can be more subtle.

Abuse does not have to be obvious. Let me tell you about my client John…

John had it all. He had great friends, a six-figure job, an athletic build, and a killer sense of style.

He met a girl online who was tall, fit, and stunning. She used to be a model. Her Facebook showcased a vibrant girl who always had a big smile and a bigger sense of adventure.

It seemed like a perfect match.

On the outside, she was everything most guys’ drool over. In reality, she was a nightmare of a person.

Soon into their relationship, she started mistreating him.

She’d act hot and cold. She’d have a great time with him one day, then blow him off multiple times with no warning. She’d ignore him for days and then reach back out like nothing happened.

She started expecting him to pay for every dinner. If he didn’t, she’d guilt trip him or act upset. Then she expected him to take her shopping and to concerts while paying for all of it.

In return for her attention, she demanded lavish vacations that cost thousands of dollars. When he tried to refuse and reason with her, she denied him sex and threatened to leave him for someone who treated her better.

During all of their expensive outings, she’d ask him to take pictures of her for Facebook of JUST her. Throughout their entire “relationship”, she never shared one picture of them together nor implied she had a boyfriend publicly. (And like I said, it’s not like he wasn’t an attractive guy!)

She lied constantly…about everything. If he ever tried to talk to her about it, she would make him out to be the villain. She canceled on plans and would mysteriously go MIA.

Then one day he saw a flash on her phone while they were in bed together on vacation. She was sexting a guy, talking about how she couldn’t wait to get drunk and ride him.

I begged him to leave her. All his friends did the same. He endured this abuse for a long time, even after they had a fight and she publicly humiliated him on social media.

Eventually, he ended up checking into a mental health clinic for a weekend for his depression and because his friends were afraid he might harm himself.

Luckily, things have now ended between them. But he stayed in a toxic relationship for WAY too long simply because he was attracted to her and wanted companionship.

Enough excuses already

Excuses for bad behavior

When you’re being mistreated, your partner does NOT respect you…and respect is the necessary foundation for every successful relationship. Without it, you will never have a healthy connection. Your self-worth will be slowly destroyed and you’ll never receive the love that fulfills you.

Remember, abuse can even be more subtle than the story above. Think of the way your current partner treats you. If your best friend or family member came to you in the same situation, what would you want for them? If you’d recommend they get help or get out…

Then you need to take action.

But I know there’s someone out there reading this that’s still in denial. So let’s talk about all the possible reasons for you to stay and you’ll see that…

You’ll never convince me you should stay in an abusive relationship with a woman. There’s just no excuse and trust me, I’ve heard them all…

“But I’m getting laid and the sex is good.”

While sex and intimacy are important in a relationship, it’s just one part of a whole connection. There has to be more. Otherwise, you’re just wasting your life and subconsciously devaluing yourself.

Why not find someone who will fuck you and that you actually love being with?

Because if you don’t, you’re enduring pain and misery just to get laid. You might as well just slot in any other attractive women.

At that point, just hire an escort instead. Or if you can’t afford that, use a sugar daddy website and find young women who will sleep you for a cheap dinner. (Yes, that’s a real thing and also quite sad in many ways.)

“My parents/friends like her a lot.”

The people who love you should want your happiness to be priority #1. Therefore, they should want you to be with someone who treats you well.

If you told them how your partner really treats you, would they still want you to be together?

Regardless, those people don’t have to live with or potentially spend a life with your partner. You do. They’ll only get to experience the good parts while you’ll be the one suffering in the bigger picture.

“We have a history together.”

I get it, you don’t want to feel like everything you had was all for nothing. You think that if you walk away from the relationship, you’re throwing away months or years of your life.

This is called the sunken cost fallacy. The more we invest in something, the more we feel like we can’t give it up or else we’ll lose all that value.

But that value doesn’t disappear. The good times you shared, things you learned, and experiences you had will still be with you. And in fact, when you pursue healthier relationships, you’ll get even more value out of them.

Staying with someone because it’s comfortable and familiar is not a strong enough reason.

“She’ll change / I can help her change.”

Yeah, maybe she’ll change. But maybe she won’t. And there’s a couple things you need to consider…

If she’s got deep-seated issues about how to treat other people, that often requires a significant amount of personal growth. It’s not something that usually happens overnight. She’ll need a lot introspection, reflection, and potentially even professional help.

You also can’t get someone to change until they’re ready to.

You’ll only frustrate yourself and build further resentment towards her. And you’ll continue to take the abuse during the whole process.

So if she wants to change, she has to be able to do that independently of you. Staying with her and allowing the abuse will only enable her.

If you really want her to change, she has to really feel what she’s doing to you. She has to experience the consequences of her actions. And she has to realize that she’ll destroy her relationships if she continues with her behavior.

“She apologizes to me and tells me she wants to get better.”

While getting an apology is great, it only means something when it’s tied to real change. If your partner continues to mistreat you and replicate the same actions, that apology is worthless. Anyone can say “sorry” to placate someone for the time being.

This is also the go-to behavior for a lot of abusers. They mistreat those around them and use apologies or external means (gifts, dinners) to “make it up” to the person.

This solves the issue for the moment until they next time they lash out. They then repeat the cycle of abuse and it often just continues to get worse.

“I was single for so long before” or “This is my first relationship.”

So that doesn’t mean you’re destined to be alone again. You being single has to deal with a lack of action, skill, or experience. Those are all things that can be learned.

We all yearn for human connection. If you find ways to put yourself out there and take small steps, you will connect with other women. It’s inevitable.

“She’s the hottest girl I’ve ever been with.”

This, again, comes from the belief that there are a lack of attractive women in the world or that you’re not going to connect with them.

Beauty is common. Go out to any area with a good amount of young people: city centers, malls, parks, etc. If you were to walk around for an hour, I guarantee you would see dozens of women you find attractive.

Secondly, if you’ve already attracted a woman you found beautiful, you can do it again. This wasn’t a one-time miracle. You likely took an opportunity with her and it worked out. That means it’s only a matter of learning to be more proactive in talking to women you desire.

“I’ll never find someone like her.”

You won’t find someone who treats you like shit? Honestly, that’s not difficult.

But on a serious note, you’re idealizing this person because of the way you feel about her. You’re overlooking all the negative, deal-breaking aspects of the relationship.

There are over seven billion people on this planet. You think you found the single person you’re be attracted and connected to? That’s insanely improbable.

While it’s true you won’t find someone EXACTLY like them, that’s also a good thing. You’ll find someone better that you’re even more excited about.

“The heart wants what it wants. I can’t help how I feel.”

That’s true, but the heart is not the end-all be-all authority in your life. It’s rash, often blinded by feelings, and can make really stupid choices. That’s why we have a logical brain to balance things out and keep us in check.

Your heart is enamored now. But when you continue to get mistreated, I guarantee it’ll become flooded with other, more negative emotions. The rose-colored glasses will wear off when an abusive partner is making you feel isolated, ugly, or worthless.

“If I was a better / more attractive partner, she wouldn’t do this.”

That’s complete bullshit because you don’t respect yourself. Even if you have things to work on (which we all do), that doesn’t suddenly make a good-natured person turn into an asshole.

The simplest way to see this is bullshit is to put yourself in her position.

When you see someone who also struggles with self-esteem or is awkward, do you want to treat them like they’re less than you? Of course not. 

Or even imagine someone you care about in a similar situation. Would you ever justify their partner abusing them? Would you ever feel like they deserve it just because of their personality?

Hell no! So there’s absolutely no reason to think this acceptable for you.

Change is necessary

Change in the doorway

Ideally, you should try your best to avoid abusive relationships in the first place. Because many unhealthy relationships and broken marriages begin by pursuing the wrong people.

This is due to low self-worth and believing that there aren’t an abundance of great people who will treat you with respect.

You need to change that. You need to see firsthand those beliefs aren’t true by working to overcome your fear of meeting and connecting with new people.

Unfortunately, if you’re already in an abusive relationship — you also need to change.

I’m not saying it’s easy or you should act rashly. You should take precautions to protect yourself and loved ones. So either you need to…

  • Address the issues with your partner. You need to tell your partner this isn’t unacceptable and things need to change immediately. We’re talking weeks for them to stop the abuse and seek professional help if need be. You do NOT wait for years for things to change.
  • Cut ties if you’ve tried to fix things already or your physical/mental health is in jeopardy. Talk to someone you trust like family or friends about the situation. Or start seeking professional help through domestic abuse services or a therapist. You may even have to go to the authorities.

Those are your options. The answer will never be to continue this cycle of pain.

  1. Nathan on July 26, 2018

    I grew up watching my mom abuse my dad. He finally divorced her after I started college. I still love my mom but I’m happy he got out of the relationship.

    • Nick Notas on July 26, 2018

      Sorry to hear that both you and your father had to endure that. Glad it seems over and done with.

  2. Peter on July 26, 2018

    Dated a woman a few years ago who tried to control everything in my life. I stayed with her for a few months until she tried to stop me from seeing my family. That was enough for me to break it off and never look back.

    • Nick Notas on July 26, 2018

      Congrats on having the courage to move on.

  3. Keith on July 26, 2018

    My ex suffered from anxiety. But she blamed me for many of her episodes. I have some family history that has created codependant behaviors in myself. And so I was always trying to figure out what it was that I had done wrong and how to avoid future episodes.
    But I never could because I wasn’t the cause of the episodes in the first place. Took a while to work out what was really going on.
    Thanks for the article.

    • Nick Notas on July 27, 2018

      It’s hard not to feel automatically responsible for your partners struggles. But like you said, it often has nothing to do with you.

      The best you can do is talk through things with them and provide a good ear/support. Then they have to put in the work for themselves, too.


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