Why Your Sexual Inexperience Isn’t a Problem

February 18th, 2016 by Nick Notas 11 Comments

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A lot of guys determine their worth based on how many women they’ve slept with.

It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.

So naturally, guys who are less sexually experienced feel inferior. They’re ashamed because they aren’t “man enough”.

This shame prevents them from getting out there and gaining more experience. And as they get older, they only feel worse about themselves and become even more paralyzed.

These guys create a self-fulfilling prophecy which seems impossible to escape from.

Well I’m here to tell you that your sexual inexperience isn’t the problem…you are.

I’ve helped a tremendous amount of men in their 20s, 30s, and 40s break free from their self-imposed limitations to have the sex life they want. I want to do the same for you by showing you that this isn’t the big deal that you’re making it out to be.

Getting over the mental roadblocks

  • Realize that most women don’t actually give a shit. No, really. Men try to one up each other and brag about their conquests all the time. Therefore, it’s natural to believe women care so much about a guy’s experience, too. They don’t.

    It only becomes an issue when a woman can feel your overwhelming anxiety around the subject — that’s what makes her uncomfortable.

    If you act ashamed and apologetic about your inexperience, she feels like you’re not going to enjoy yourself fully. Then she can’t get excited to be with you, either. Also, you’re putting more pressure on her because she doesn’t know how clingy or intense you’re going to be afterwards.

    So be confident about what you have to offer and make it no big deal – she’ll almost always feel the same way.

  • You haven’t lost your chance. Let go of this idea that you need to hit a certain level of experience by a certain age. It’s bullshit. No one is timing you or comparing you to other men except yourself.

    So what if you didn’t lose your virginity at 16? Are you just going to mope about it and let it prevent you from sexual fulfillment?

    There are tons of guys who didn’t have sex until later in life and ended up surpassing the majority of men. If you’re so obsessed with “catching up to the pack”, it’s not that hard to do.

    When surveyed, the average man has about 6-7 partners in his lifetime. If you really wanted to prove to yourself that you’re “normal”, sleeping with 6 or 7 women isn’t that hard. You can get to that point quickly with minimal effort.

    Get a few pairs of fitted clothes and pay for a decent haircut from a professional stylist. Have a friend take 2-4 high quality, flattering photos with a nice camera. Upload those photos to Tinder and OKCupid. Start swiping right endlessly on Tinder and send out masses of short messages (80-160 characters) on OKCupid.

    From the dates you get, just commit to going for a kiss before the date ends. Then on following dates invite them back to your place or hers.

    If getting laid is that important to you and you commit 1-2 hours every day to this, it WILL happen. I’ve seen guys use this strategy and easily hook up with a girl every month. You could be ahead of the curve in less than a year.

    Stop saying you’ve lost your chance — you haven’t.

  • Accept sex with any new partner is supposed to suck at first. I know you’re worried that you’re going to be bad. I know you think it’s going to be awkward. But guess what? The first time two people have sex is usually bad anyway…at least compared to its’ full potential.

    In the beginning, you’re both often nervous. She’s worried about how she looks naked in front of you. She wants to make sure she pleases you. Neither of you have any idea what the other person likes.

    Sex is supposed to get better over time: through discovery, communication, and trust. (And if it doesn’t, you’re doing something wrong.)

    Plus, the truth is that many guys aren’t as good as they think they are in bed. In fact, 42% of women are unsatisfied with their sex life. Guys focus too much on themselves or on getting the right techniques.

    Don’t stress, keep reading and see how you can stand out even with limited sexual experience.

Dealing with the subject in the moment

So you’re on a date and you’re dreading the moment you have to talk about your romantic past.

  • You don’t have to tell her if you don’t want to. A lot of the anxiety you feel stems from thinking that every girl is going to somehow know about your inexperience. But women can’t read your mind. They’re not going to magically smell the virgin coming off of you.

    Usually, a girl isn’t going to interrogate you about your past sexcapades. Especially not before she becomes intimate with you herself. By then, she’ll already be more emotionally invested in you. She’ll be much more willing to continue seeing you and not be scared off by being your first.

    But for the occasions when the topic does come up, you have two viable options:

  • Keep it private. You can calmly tell a girl on a date that it’s not a subject you want to discuss at this point. As long as you don’t sound defensive or awkward about it, it will come off like a confident guy setting his personal boundaries.

    “Let’s not get into the past relationships talk just yet. I’d rather focus on us.”

    “I don’t kiss and tell so easily.”

    “I don’t share my intimate life with just anyone, you’ll have to get to know me first.”

    Remember, being vulnerable doesn’t mean you have to share every single thing about yourself. You’re still being vulnerable by conveying that this is something you aren’t ready to talk about.

  • Own it. If you feel you really want to share your history, tell it in a way that empowers you. You don’t have to make excuses for yourself.

    “I’ve been holding out for the right person and didn’t want to do something I would regret.”

    “I haven’t found someone that it felt right with.”

    “For a long time, I focused on building my career and lifestyle. Now I’m ready to focus on dating more.”

    “I used to be a lot more shy and grew into myself later on.”

Having inexperienced sex

  • Hire a pro or become a (short-term) sugar daddy. I’ll be upfront and say that this isn’t for everyone. I’ve never had an escort and it’s just not my thing, either. But, I’ve had a handful of guys go this route and tell me it fixed their issues. They got the initial experience they wanted which then helped them get over their fears to have more sexual experiences.

    You just have to think about this the right way and keep your expectations low. Think of it like a practice run to build your skills. Don’t go into it hoping to feel some kind of romantic connection or emotional fulfillment — you’ll be disappointed. These women are business professionals first and foremost.

    Since prostitution is illegal in some places, you can opt for sugar daddy sites like SeekingArrangement. Basically, you set a budget for girls to “hang out” with you.

    I would just be cautious that you must have firm limits and don’t make this a habit. I know guys who’ve spent less than $1000 to get a couple sexual experiences under their belt. But it’s easy to get carried away. Weigh the value of your money vs what you want out of this.

    For authentic sexual experiences…

  • Just take it slow and focus on her. You’re probably worried about your sexual performance because you don’t know the “proper” techniques. But being a good sexual partner is actually less about technique and more about the atmosphere, emotions, and build up. And those are things you can get better at without having tons of experience.

    Like I said earlier, a lot of men suck at sex. They’re selfish and don’t take their time to get a woman really turned on. But if you just slow down, reinforce how amazing she feels, remind her to relax, and work on touching her all over — she’s going to have a great time.

    Check out my articles on How to Have Sex With Her for the First Time and How to Give Women the Sex They Really Want to get the basics down.

    By being be extra generous and caring about a girl’s pleasure, you’ll already be a vast improvement over many guys out there. You’ll learn the nuances and get more comfortable with your abilities over time.

  • Own your mistakes and relinquish perfection. At the end of the day, this is all going to be new to you. You have to acknowledge that there is a chance you will have some small hiccups. 

    Maybe you’ll orgasm sooner than you want. Maybe you stumble to get it in the first few seconds. Or maybe you’ll have a hard time getting it up because of anxiety…like I have before.

    Sex is awkward at times and you just have to laugh or shrug it off. It’s not going to kill you. It’s normal and we’ve all been there. 

    As long as you don’t freak out or shut down when it happens — the girl will almost always be fine. Offer to play with or go down on her and you’ll make her happy. 

    If you don’t seem phased by your mistakes, she won’t be either. Women are incredibly forgiving and they’re not expecting your first time together to be perfect. Also, that first girl probably isn’t going to end up as your wife so take it all as fun practice.

Stop expecting to be amazing at sex before you’ve gotten the necessary experience. That’s unrealistic and unfair to yourself. JUST DO IT!

  1. Amy on February 18, 2016

    Some of the best sex I've had has was with some guy who hadn't had sex with many other girls. He was excited to try new things and always wanted to find out how to make the sex better. I appreciated that more than anything 🙂

    • Nick Notas on February 18, 2016

      Mhmm, the effort alone goes along way. Give and you shall receive!

  2. Andrew on February 18, 2016

    a lot of these guys that feel this way, should probably move to Japan, because they talked a lot about it on the news last year, that there is a sexual crisis in Japan, a lot of guys are virgins even into their 30’s and 40’s in Japan, they estimated with this statistic, although of course they are not always completely accurate, they said that 1 in 4 Japanese guys over the age of 30 who have never been married, are virgins.

    • Nick Notas on February 18, 2016

      I’ve had some personal friends move to Japan and Vietnam where they cleaned up. If you’re an English speaking American, it carries you far and the women love it. Definitely an easier to get some initial experience over there.

  3. Ronald Messier on February 18, 2016

    I am 63 and have only had sex once with a prostitute. A man who I was friendly w/when I was living at my father’s place in Ft.Lauderdale,Fl said no man of my age should be a virgin. Then I had a woman who was about six years older come onto me after a Singles Network dance in Portland,ME. I told her I was brought up that sex was only after marriage. She said nobody thinks like that anymore. I told her I did and left her. I want to have sex with a woman I am in a relationship with and we want to be intimate with together. I want to feel free to say I don’t have experience and will she be willing to help me and to say what she wants and likes in the bedroom.

    • Andrew on February 18, 2016

      what do you mean that she “came onto you”?

      • Ronald Messier on February 18, 2016

        She told me after I came over to her house in Sanford that she wanted to have sex w/me. When I told her I was not brought up that way she said nobody thinks like that anymore. She gave me the impression that now she was divorced and owed it to herself to play the field.

        • Nick Notas on February 21, 2016

          Hey Ronald,

          Unfortunately, that women is right. Most women don’t think like that anymore, especially around your age. They are going to want to be intimate with you prior to committing to something as serious as marriage.

        • Andrew on February 26, 2016

          Are you also implying you have never had a girlfriend before?

          • Ronald Messier on February 26, 2016

            Yes Andrew I have not had a dirlfriend. I really wish I had a man as a friend who could help me get past my fear of rejection.

  4. Andrew on March 3, 2016

    I wonder if there is an epidemic of guys in this generation who have not had a girlfriend before, so many guys in their 20’s, 30’s and some even 40’s and beyond