Why She Stopped Sleeping With You

June 12th, 2013 by Nick Notas 23 Comments

Couple in Separate Beds

Why has a disappointing sex life with your partner become the norm?

Everywhere I look, people preach that passionless long-term relationships and marriages are inevitable. Women supposedly lose their desires while men are forever frustrated. They claim you have to accept your miserable fate and learn to laugh about it. That isn’t funny to me.

The sad thing is, they’re often right. There are so many couples where both parties feel unfulfilled. And it got me thinking…why is that?

We’re the most plugged-in, knowledgeable generation in history.  We have an unlimited supply of relationship books, dating advice blogs, and marriage counselors. We have all the resources needed to create exciting sexual connections.

So if it’s not a lack of resources, then maybe the resources are wrong. I’ve come to realize the problem is…

No one is speaking honestly. They sugarcoat everything. They don’t have the guts to admit what’s really going on. It’s the fluff perpetuated by society, religion, “relationship experts”, magazines, and dating game shows.

Guess what? Most of it doesn’t work.  If it did, why do…

Get ready for the truth but please understand, there’s no going back.

Dispelling the excuses and accepting reality

You and everyone else has a hundred different reasons why you’re not having sex:

Your woman is stressed at work. There’s never enough time in the day. You just need more date nights. Life is hard and tiring. The list goes on and on.

While all of the above may be true, no one is saying the biggest overarching reason:

She’s just not that attracted to you.

She probably was at some point in the past but not currently. Right now you don’t get her turned on to the point where she can’t control herself. You don’t draw the primal, animalistic lust out of her. And she’s not getting wet enough when she’s with you.

This is where a good portion of readers will start flipping out. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about Nick!” They will get defensive, panic, and rationalize their lack of sex under the guise of “My partner has a low libido. She has a low sex-drive and doesn’t think about that stuff.”

Really? That’s why….

Barring medical complications (which I’ll discuss later), chances are I’m right. We are born to have sex — it’s part of our biology, just like eating and sleeping. It’s one of our core physiological needs to live happily. And if you still think I’m full of it, consider this…

  • Why was she having sex with you regularly before (at least weekly) and it suddenly started to dwindle? (monthly or less)
  • Does she really have no time for sex? Is she spending effort watching TV, on the computer, on Facebook, and other leisure activities?
  • Is she reading romance novels and other material that get her fantasizing about sex?
  • Does she exercise and maintain physical activity during the day? Then why when it comes to intimacy, she’s always too tired? Most of the time, you’re doing the physical work and expending the energy.
  • How often did she have sex in her previous relationships? What are the naughtiest things she’s done with someone else? I guarantee you’d be floored to hear that some of your girlfriends have had lots of sex, talked filthy, enjoyed roughness, and experienced a variety of sexual escapades.

The biggest mindfuck is when men-in-denial are left by their supposedly frigid women. Girls leave their sexless relationships and suddenly enjoy being sexually liberated. They start hooking up with guys like crazy or end up with a new man that they can’t resist being penetrated by.

You really think your partner doesn’t crave sex anymore? Stop the denial. They just don’t desire you. Now let’s figure out why that happened and what you can do about it.

How did this happen? The mental missteps

The overwhelming majority of women want to be polarized by a masculine, dominant energy. That doesn’t mean she’s weaker or less than you. That doesn’t mean you control her. That means you’re a leader of others, but most importantly, of yourself.

Somewhere along the line she stopped seeing you as that man. And it’s usually about your mental traits rather than your physical ones.

Let’s assume you have a woman that genuinely cares about you and wants to make the relationship work. If that’s not the case, then there’s a larger issue here and you shouldn’t be with her in the first place. So…

Maybe you stopped being assertive. You don’t speak your mind. You’re timid. You don’t go after what you want or want the best for yourself. You have no ambition. You don’t set and enforce your boundaries.

Maybe you lost your confidence. You have low self-esteem. You don’t trust in yourself and never take charge. You’re always negative and cynical. You get jealous easily. You became needy, clingy, dependent, and overbearing.

Maybe you let yourself go. You got lazy. You stopped taking care of your health and your appearance. You don’t dress well. You walk around with weak, unattractive body language that makes you look like a pushover.

Maybe you became an asshole. You close off and don’t communicate your feelings in healthy ways. You’re passive-aggressive. You flip out and yell at her for no reason. You disrespect her. You ignore her. You’re controlling and manipulative. You don’t have fun together or make her laugh.

And the huge one I can almost guarantee…

You stopped expressing your sexuality and you don’t tap into her sexual desires.

How did this happen? The sexual missteps

Inside every woman is a carnal beast wanting to be unleashed. The problem is she’s been raised and told by the world that her sexuality is wrong. That it’s something to be ashamed of. She needs your encouraging leadership to tap into that inner sex goddess.

Again, somewhere along the line she stopped getting to that emotional, sexual place. It could be…

You don’t flirt with her randomly. You don’t sext her anymore or make her feel sexy every day. You don’t initiate sexual contact or naughty talk. You fall into the same boring routine. You’re not spontaneous. You don’t create wild sexual adventures. You don’t talk with her openly about sex. And you don’t indulge her deepest fantasies.

You don’t walk into the room and run your hands all over her body. You don’t take her with passion. You never tease her body until she’s shaking with excitement. You don’t get her moaning uncontrollably and experiencing incredible orgasms.

The research shows that women like to be desired and taken by their man.

“In the lab, women are responding generally to scenarios of sexual assault. …Does that mean that any of us want to go out and be sexually assaulted? No, it doesn’t. The realm of arousal and the realm of fantasy can tell us something about ourselves psychologically.

The feeling of being desired is a very powerful one, a very electrical one. And I think at least at the fantasy level, that sense of being wanted, and being wanted beyond the man’s self-control is also really powerful.”

Unfortunately, you may have even discouraged her sexuality altogether. Men tend to put little effort into stirring their woman’s sexual emotions. They curl up in bed, don’t try to arouse her, and timidly ask for sex. They get frustrated when she doesn’t respond with enthusiasm.

Then they beg. When that doesn’t work, they pout or try to guilt her into it. They automatically expect her to take off her clothes just because she’s their partner. Sex becomes a chore or obligation to the woman. It gets associated with negative feelings rather than something they love and crave to do.

This kind of behavior is pathetic, unfair, and an absolute turnoff.

How to fix things moving forward

Sexless_MarriageIf you want a healthy sex life with your partner, she has to become attracted to you again. Sometimes that’s possible, sometimes it’s not. The only way to find out is by taking action because waiting around won’t change your circumstances.

  1. Commit to being a strong man — permanently. Do it for yourself. Regardless of whether it works with this woman, you have to become the best version of you. Work on the four mental points above: become assertive,  develop your confidence, take care of yourself, and stop being an asshole. Analyze which areas need the most development and tackle them one by one.
  2. Embrace your sexual side and encourage hers. Show her how much you desire her. Touch and tease her often. Don’t beg or whine like a little boy. Always be spontaneous and make sex fun again. Ask about her wants and how you can pleasure her immensely. Allow her to share and partake in her ultimate fantasies without judgment. Incorporate what you’re missing in the “sexual missteps” section. 

    You need to get her to the point where her sexual drive overtakes her. Where she’s in that primal mode which she’ll do just about anything. You’ll be amazed at how wild women can really get. They’ll do things that they claim they would never do or think is gross — and they may actually mean it. But sexual emotions are a powerful force.

    Commonalities and similar values are great for our daily lives but opposites attract in the bedroom. We don’t want stability, we want variety and unpredictability. We don’t always want clean, we desire to be “wrong” and to experiment with taboos. Don’t take my word for it: Esther Perel, one of the premier psychologists on sexuality and couples advocates this for healthy sexual relationships.

  3. Both of you communicate your expectations about sex. You have to really think about what you need to be sexually satisfied in a relationship — within reason. Wanting sex 3x a day is probably not going to happen. Personally, at least attempting for intimacy on a daily basis is important.

    For others, you may be happy with a few times a week. Obviously everyone is different but I would say most couples should strive for at least that. Let her know it’s not just about your needs but that you want to give her the best sex of her life. Ask for her input on how you can make that happen.

    If there’s any potential medical complications affecting her sex drive like birth control or thyroid problems, discuss it together. Make an appointment with her and be the support she needs to get the issue fixed.

  4. Evaluate her reaction and the overall situation. How has she taken to steps 1-3? Is she receptive or dismissive? Is she open and willing to discuss your sex life together? Is she being fair to your needs or does she completely shut you down? Does she want to put effort into improving your romance? Or does she make you feel bad for wanting sex?

    I can’t give you a definitive answer on what you should end up doing with your relationship. Everyone’s situation is different — some couples have been together for many years, some are married with a home, and some have children. It’s never an easy decision. But I can tell you this…

    Give the above a fair shot. For me, that would mean a couple months, not years. If she’s always negative or disrespectful, if she doesn’t put in any effort, and if nothing has improved, it might be time to consider walking away. You should never stay in a relationship out of fear — either of the unknown or of being alone. And don’t settle for someone that isn’t meeting your needs.

    If you’re in a monogamous relationship, she is the only person you can have sex with unless you plan on cheating. If you’re unhappy and unfulfilled sexually, will you be able to spend the rest of your life like that? Will she? I doubt it.

Sex doesn’t have to get less enjoyable over time. Marriages are not destined to dead bedrooms. And stop believing that women don’t want sex as much as we do. 

Find the right woman and be an irresistible man.

  1. Patrick on June 12, 2013

    Hey Nick. I’ve been following your blog for a little while since I saw some of your posts. I ended up realizing I was in an unhealthy relationship and worked to better myself. I’ve read a lot of stuff, but you were the catalyst. It’s been about 5 months but I’ve met someone who I have much healthier relationship with right now. I hope it continues to work out. So anyway, thanks for writing.

    • Nick Notas on June 12, 2013

      Hey Patrick,

      That’s awesome to hear you found a healthier relationship — congrats. I’m flattered that my advice helped you out. Thank you for reading!

  2. Socialkenny on June 12, 2013

    Great article.

    But to address Pat for a second, why the need to get into another relationship so sudden? Wouldn’t it have been better to just wait?

    • Nick Notas on June 13, 2013

      Thanks.

      “Better” is relative — it depends on what you’re looking for and what head space you’re in. He could want a long-term partner and found a great girl.

      I will agree though that it helps to often date around if you’re inexperienced. But if he knew what he wanted and where he previously went wrong, more power to him.

  3. Shannon on June 12, 2013

    I wish I could get my boyfriend to read this. We are in this situation and it’s hard for me to say “I’m not attracted to you” but I still love you. I’m in a tight spot. Thank you for this post! Love it. Just need to find a way to pass it on.

    • Nick Notas on June 13, 2013

      Yeah, that’s never an easy conversation. But eventually you have to broach the subject or things won’t likely change. Best wishes Shannon.

    • barfolomew on June 13, 2013

      So basically you are doing nothing but complaining silently and yet hope and expect to see change? Le us know how that works out. Hey, if it doesn’t you can just blame it all on him! Right?

  4. mk on June 12, 2013

    so, the trick is to tease and flirt with her, then tell her you want her soooo badddd you cant control yourslef,… right? well thats fine. But one has to look at the reason behind this: it gives her immense POWER in the relationship! Man, I want HER to tell ME she wants me so bad!! Who wouldnt want that? I prefer to keep the frame that I am the prize, and that women want ME. Otherwise you open yourself to her being in control, which ironically, she doesnt really want to be. Crazy, lol

    • Nick Notas on June 13, 2013

      Being vulnerable and honest with your desires has nothing to do with power in the relationship. Also, she can and should still tell you those things as well, they are not mutually exclusive.

      Protecting yourself always “as the prize” is a defense mechanism. Of course you should believe women want you but there’s nothing wrong with letting them know you want them, too. If you spend your whole relationship being aloof and not showing intention, you’re going to have a bad time.

  5. Mike Jones on June 13, 2013

    Have you ever heard of the Black Phillip Show?
    Or the Beige Phillip Show?

    A lot of what they discuss translates over to this, your writing some really good stuff my fine sir.

    • Nick Notas on June 13, 2013

      I loved the Black Phillip Show, Patrice was amazing. I’ve never heard of the Beige Phillip Show but I just checked it out. Looks life I definitely need to take a listen.

      Thanks for the recommendation.

  6. Jenny on June 25, 2013

    I think one of the biggest reasons I stopped being attracted to my boyfriend is because I only see him as a friend. A really long time ago we use to have sex 2-3 times a day but then he became depressed and stopped doing the things that attracted me in the first place. I love him and want to leave him but can’t bring myself to do it.

    Great post Nick

  7. Rachel on June 30, 2013

    “You don’t walk into the room and run your hands all over her body.” This is exactly what my husband does, and it’s the fastest way to piss me off. I don’t want him to just unilaterally decide that he wants sex and so sex is going to happen, I want him to make ME want sex too. I don’t know what will do that; I do know that I haven’t felt anything happening down there on even a physiological level in a long time, but medically so far everything checks out. He’s definitely still attractive to me, he’s the very definition of what I think of as a man and a father, and I’m certainly not looking at anyone else with any degree of lust. There’s just no desire for that sexual contact. Whatever part of me exists as a sexual being has completely disconnected from the rest of me. But just walking up and molesting me isn’t the way to get that back.

  8. Goundy on February 3, 2014

    I agree 100% with all the theories and suggestions as to why a girl would stop sleeping with you. However I think that the suggestions are in fact not permanant solutions because according to books such as ‘Sperm Wars’ by Robin Baker, Sex at Dawn by ‘Crhis Ryan and other studies that outline the existance of the ‘coolage affect’ prove that monogamous reltionships that are doomed to fail at some time or another.

    A man and woman cannot possibly be as sexually aroused 10 years from now the same way they were when they first met. It’s biologically not what we were programmed for – afterall, lifelong monagamy is a recent creation that came allong with the agricultural revolution and like many new things in our society (idol existances, carbohydrate based diets, air pollution, non tribal societies etc), we havn’t had the hundreds of thousands of years to biologically adapt to the change.

    • Nick Notas on February 5, 2014

      I have to disagree with you. I’m in the same camp that monogamy isn’t for everyone. And it’s especially tougher on men who do have a biological inclination to “spread their seed”.

      That said, there is a lot of contradicting research towards Sperm Wars and similar books. The research is often bias and swayed to prove their point. Here’s a good breakdown on some of this.

      There are many research studies that show monogamous couples can often be happier and more successful (because of their support). I also personally know couples that have been married 20+ years who are still VERY attracted to each other and have a great sex life. Take a look at Athol Kay from Married Man Sex Life.

      The point is it’s not clear cut either way. It depends on the individual people, their connection, what they want out of life, etc. You can live a happy life in a monogamous or polyamorous relationship.

  9. Beryl on February 27, 2014

    First of all, we need to get rid of the statement that men want to spread their seed. The expression is so wrong. That is just like saying that women want to spread their eggs and get pregnant. Just say that men want to ejaculate in some woman all the time. no man wants to have babies everywhere and that is what you all are implyin when you say spread your seed.
    We put ideas in men’s heads to cheat, when they are already foolish and tempted. Pretty soon you men will see that women are going to cheat easily. What goes around.

  10. Mike Mack on April 23, 2014

    Thanks for posting. I understand and agree with everything you have written. My girlfriend, who I love very much, and I have been with for 6 years living together for 4. We’re living in a big, stressful city which I am from and she is not and we’re stressed with school and work and not sleeping together very often. We are open and vocal and I stay looking right, but little things are bugging us about each other. I’m assertive yet vulnerable and bust my ass at work and school. I am also loyal, when I’m constantly surrounded by beautiful woman who find me charming. I straight up ask her if she’s not attracted to me anymore and she swears she is. I ask if she we should amicably split up, as I don’t want to ruin the great relationship we’ve built over the years. I don’t know man, we’re pretty much doing everything you said, trying really hard together at it for like 6 months now and I feel like it’s getting better but still no love. We love each other, but is it time to go different ways?

  11. jenny on March 30, 2015

    So i just read your article. I find it great but…what if your still attracted to your boyfriend, love him dearly and never thinks about cheating. We have been together 5yrs and the past 2 years he hasnt lasted long at all so i never “get mine” I know he has gained weight but not enough for me to not love him. So half the time i dont want sex because i dont want to be left disappointed. I push him away alot because i dont want to get excited. I tell him and talk to him all the time, he understands. I dont get mad at him but seriously thinking hes having an “issue” down there. Opinions plz. Thx

  12. happier me on July 1, 2015

    OK, really good article and I´m going to change immediatelly, i´ll start working on the four mental points above: become assertive, develop your confidence, take care of yourself, and stop being an asshole. Regardless sex, seems that it´s really healthy life approach! THanks for sharing!

  13. Beryl on July 1, 2015

    Maybe if some serious people of both sexes, got together to write an article or book to men and women and tell what both genders need in bed. I am a woman, so I can speak from at least some women’s points of view.
    I think it would be fair to say that, at the beginning of the relationship, when everything is new, both partners may show eagerness to be intimate. then as the relationship progresses, the responsilbities of the housework and the child raising is added to shoulders of the woman. if we are truthful , the woman already has no urgency or need to release so while the man is still wanting his release time, and is still eager an act that satisfies him anyway, She does not really care about sex. But the woman may see sex as a dread and not understand her man’s needs.The man likewise, does not understand his woman’s need to sleeper rest, or to have one quality alone time. He wonders why she is so tired and not interested in sex.

  14. Devon on July 2, 2015

    Nothing works. I try to flirt or touch her and try to turn her on but she just snaps at me dating im being annoying and obnoxious. I don’t know what to do. She lost her virginity about a year and a half ago and then the guy cheated on her and she went on a crazy sex drive with people and I’m the first actual relationship she’s been in since the guy she lost her virginity to. She wants nothing to do with me sexually at all. She says that if we go days or weeks without it, itll make her want it more. But we still end up never doing it. If we do, she just does it to shut me up. She cum I cum. It’s not that she doesn’t enjoy it, she just isn’t interested in it. She told me, why have someone else make me cum when I can make myself. I’m losing all hope.

  15. Matt on February 15, 2016

    Hey Nick, So I have been having this issue with my girlfriend as well. The thing that is different with her, is I have been with a lot of women for over 6 months, but this is the first time I have ever gone more than 2 weeks without sex. We’ve had sex twice in the last 2.5 months. And this is not the first time we have dated, but this is the first time she has no sex drive. She has put on some weight and lost confidence, but I love her very much. Unfortunately, my compliments and handsiness just seems to annoy her. I’m a very fit guy with a large sex drive and I do have some bigger equipment(so she likes to be really turned on before sex). It just seems like a massive chore for her.. And whats odd is I know she finds me attractive and sometimes would brag about me to her friends.. I’m pretty confused about it and I have contemplated ending it–on the grounds that we are not sexually compatible. She refuses to speak about it. And living with her is making it pretty tough on me. We are both full time students, I’m at a UC for biochem, and we both work a lot. Although I work 50hrs a week to her 20. I pay most of rent and I do a majority of the chores around the house, and I still have energy to try and be intimate. What happens is, I just end up rubbing her back until she falls asleep or something. Can’t initiate any sexual touching or else she gets mad. I swear it’s like I am with a different person. All she’ll say is “It’s my fault”..

    I’m seriously at a loss. I mean I love her to death, but I hate feeling rejected. I also can’t stand that she gets pissed when other girls hit on me, and I don’t even entertain their attention.. Then she calls me insecure when I ask why she talks to her guy friends so much–who are like friendzoners for life. She accidentally passed me her phone and a snap shot of there convo was up, “He’s just really insecure, and he’s pushy for sex”. I’m like.. You get insecure with me! Idk, it’s like I got smacked with a hay-maker. She tells me I’m everything she wants, but she just wants me to give her back rubs and work my ass off with zero reciprocation of affection. The only thing I need to work on is going out with her more, but as I said I have the financial responsibility and I never have time to my self, so I like to relax at home when I can.

    I read all your advice.. I’ve spoken to ex’s of mine and they are all in awe about her not wanting to have sex with me. Some of my ex girlfriends would literally be crawling all over me constantly.. I mean the last time we had sex she came 5 times to my 1. She was really relaxed for a couple of days after too. And now back to grumpy dormancy. I just feel super rejected and I have never worked so hard to make everything work. I cook for her, a stay fit, I’m assertive-trust me. She even agreed that some space would help, but I cant afford to live somewhere else right now. I’m just thinking it was to much for her to move in with me.

  16. Matt on February 15, 2016

    And, when I said I need to work on taking her out more. i know that she wants to go out more, but when we drink one of us gets pissed and I’m over fighting because she doesn’t have the energy to talk about it when we are sober. That is her main complaint about me.. That and I have been sad lately. Well yea, I’m literally destroying myself so we can live on our own, still pulling a 3.5gpa, and I’m still very fit–for us! I know that I can be snappy at times, but my god I have never been so frustrated. She eventually broke down when I explained to her that I rub her every night and sometimes I ask for one too. She couldn’t remember the last time she gave me one and then felt bad, but it’s like I don’t want you to feel bad.. I just want some attention! Idk, any advice would be great. Maybe we are just incompatible.