Where the Pickup Community Goes Wrong Pt. 1

September 14th, 2011 by Nick Notas 3 Comments

Neil Strauss The Game

In 2005, pickup gained mainstream attention due to a book called “The Game” by author Neil Strauss (right). Since then, the industry has grown to massive proportions and become the interest of media outlets across America.

In 2007, I got involved in the community and started on a journey of self-development and discovery. Over the years, I became friends with some of the top pickup coaches and met many of the other guys involved.

The pickup community helped me grow into the person I am today and for that I am grateful. Many of it’s teachings were beneficial to men in need and transformed them in positive ways. At the same time, I noticed a lot of unhealthy patterns being instilled in these very same guys. I eventually decided to part ways and teach my own method of dating.

Below are some of the most glaring flaws practiced by so-called “Pickup Artists” today:

The Lingo

“So I was out sarging and talking to this 2-set of HB8s.  I isolated one girl and ended up k-closing and then #-closing”

Sound like gibberish to you? Actually, it’s “Pickup Lingo” and yes…it’s for real. Guys think it’s cool and that it makes them part of an awesome private club. I won’t lie, I got sucked into the hype before, too. In reality, it’s just creepy and weird.

How about you say “out to have fun” instead of “sarging” Or “two cute girls” instead of “2-sets of HB8s.” Or “one-on-one” instead of “isolated.” And “kissed her and got her number” rather than “k-closed and #-closed.” It’s much more normal to leave out all the abbreviations that make her sound like a statistic.

Why use obscure terms for things that have real words? Do you ever see guys who are naturally good with women talking in lingo? No, because they actually treat girls like human beings. Have some class and stop using degrading terminology.

The Rating System

“OMG man I hooked up with an ‘HB9’ today. No way bro, I only hooked up with an ‘HB7’ this weekend.”

In the lingo above, HB stands for hot babe, and the number following it determines her physical attractiveness on a scale of 1-10. So much of pickup is focused on rating the quality of women based on their physical appearance. Guys become obsessed with getting “high-numbered” women rather than finding women that women are incredible on the inside as well as the outside.

Even if you’re only looking for something casual or a quick fling, make it with someone you have a legitimate connection with. You’re doing a disservice to yourself and especially the girl if you’re just sleeping with them to put another notch on the belt. Meet women who make you feel awesome, even if it’s for a brief moment.

Instead of seeing everyone as a clean slate, it’s working against you to automatically put a number on women. You assume a “10” is too good for you and out of your league when, in reality, some of the “hottest” girls I’ve met have the most open and friendly to talk to.

What these guys don’t understand is that true value comes from within. Maybe that “9” is really shallow or completely not your type, while that “8” is a down-to-earth gamer who’s everything you’re looking for. It’s more fun to find out what a girls about rather than judge her from the sidelines. You don’t know until you go and find out.

Don’t put a number on women. You don’t know who she is, how she feels about herself, or much of anything else until you connect with her. Keep it simple to “yes” or “no.” If she looks interesting, say yes, and go approach her.

The External Validation

Even though much of the community claims it’s about building “real” confidence, there are conflicting signals all the time. As I said previously, they riddle every discussion with reports that place numbers on every girl they interact with. I can understand the benefit of explaining how your night went, but it’s mostly about bragging rights to who had a one-night stand or made out with a “10” at the bar. And those are the types of conversations that separate immature boys from being full grown men.

That idea is further perpetuated by every coach pushing products to “bang the hottest chicks now” and “get laid with supermodels.” It’s perfectly normal to want a woman that you’re physically attracted to, but it shouldn’t be the sole focus. She can tell if you think of her as a piece of meat from a mile away, and no girl wants to be treated like that.

Finally, the community tears down those who aren’t a part of the club. They alienate them, make them out to be “AFCs” (average frustrated chumps) and act is if they’re lesser people. When in truth, the average guy not involved in pickup gets more action than the guys who are — he just doesn’t sit around boasting about it.

Your self-worth is not based on your success with women. Romantic skills are only a small piece of the overall pie. Real confidence and value comes from who you are on the inside. It comes from opening up as a person, challenging yourself, and facing your fears. If you base your life on external things like dating women, you will never be fully happy.

Check out part two of this series where I talk about “overnight success” and treating women like a math problem.

Want dating success without the cheesy lines? Come talk to me. Consultations are free and there’s NO obligation to move forward — that’s a promise.

  1. George P.H. on September 19, 2011

    Hey, Nick!

    I agree with a lot of what you’re saying with the 2-part post. Yes; rating women is ridiculous. Yes; trying to systematize every little thing is crazy. (I remember Neil Strauss writing, in the game, that Mystery would eventually run out of material to use and get awkward). Most importantly, being a full-time PUA is crazy.

    On one hand, I love the seduction community and feel that joining it was the best thing I ever did. On the other hand, at some point I realized how ridiculous I was being. I was an adult spending 10-15 hours a week going to venues with the express goal of talking to new women. At some point, I realized that there were other things to life.

    I’m looking forward to following your blog and seeing you in person when I next visit the USA!

    • Nick on September 19, 2011

      Most definitely, I feel the same way about the community. One side of me remembers how much it taught me and influenced me for the better. The other realizes how unhealthy a lot of the stuff is. It’s a love-hate relationship and I’m following this series up with “Where the Pickup Community Goes Right.”

      I’d love to meet up when you come around and I’m glad you enjoy the blog. I like your stuff a lot too, man. Maybe we can do some cross-posting 🙂

  2. George P.H. on September 20, 2011

    Fa sheezy 😉 I’ll be following your blog, feel free to hit me up whenever!