What Women Want That They Don’t Tell You

July 22nd, 2015 by Sarah Jones 37 Comments

What Women Won't Tell You


Nick’s Note: Today we’re going back to basics — and I mean that in the best way possible. We’re reviewing some of the most important dating fundamentals reinforced through a woman’s perspective. I’m thrilled to have Sarah Jones from Introverted Alpha writing here today.

It isn’t your imagination. 

We women don’t always tell you exactly what we want.

Even though we won’t always spell out exactly what we want from you, as sometimes we don’t even realize what we want at first, that doesn’t mean you have to stay in the dark.

There’s a linear, logical way to shed light on what women want when it comes to approaching, flirting, and getting a woman’s number.

Today, I’m going to share with you how to essentially read a woman’s mind in these crucial areas so you can know what she wants, without her actually saying it to you.

There are four things you should never expect a woman to tell you. Might she tell you? Sure, but if you expect it, you’re shorting her and yourself a potentially great connection.

Don’t expect a woman to say, “Approach me now.”

Even if she wants it, she’s not likely to go over and tell you.

Does she want to be approached by everyone? No, only by men she feels at least comfortable around, if not attracted to. As long as you’re chill, that’s you! Even if she’s not attracted to you, and even if she has a boyfriend, she’ll still be flattered.

Here’s how to approach her and make sure it lands the right way.

Go with an attitude of, “I’m just going to say ‘hi.’ Whatever happens is great. If she responds negatively, then either (A) she’s not as nice as she looks, (B) she’s having a bad night, or (C) I came off wrong because I’m still learning how to approach well.”

That’s all. Those are the three options. Notice that not one of those is, “Oh, I guess I’m inherently unattractive!”

None of those three options is deeply personal. The first is about her, the second is situational, and the third is about skill-level, which is always improvable.

A great example of this kind of approach is when one client of mine was out with friends at a club recently and saw a group of girls dancing. He noticed one he felt especially attracted to and said to his friend, “I’m going to go talk to her.”

His friend said, “Girls in groups don’t like that. You’ll be bothering her.”

What? No. Not a helpful modus operandi. Happily, my client wasn’t fazed. He remembered what we worked on, and he said to his friend, “Well, I’ll go over there and find out!”

Total badass.

He approached her, and she was into him. She broke away from her friend group, and they had an amazing night together. She was even in town for a little while, and they ended up seeing each other several times!

Don’t expect a woman to tell you HOW to approach.

Instead, you can do what my awesome client did:

Before you walk out of the house, remember why you’re attractive. Feel good about yourself by reflecting on times women were warm and responsive to you. Remember why women are attracted to you, the compliments they’ve given you.

Dress well, and look good. The better you can look before you walk out the door, the more attractive you look and feel. Wear a crisp collared shirt that fits you well. Be clean, well-groomed, and smell good. These are very basic things that women notice a LOT, so pay close attention there.

Warm up. Be generally social before talking to a woman you’re attracted to. Talk to other people like your friends, the bartender, and maybe a dude at the bar. This way, when you do approach, you’re warmed up already.

See who you naturally feel drawn to. When you get to your venue, notice who you feel attracted to. Notice that your attraction is not just sexual towards physical looks alone. Your attraction to her is also to her vibe, as her personality naturally shows through her appearance in what she’s wearing and her facial expression. Be present to that. This helps you know that you are not being creepy.

Position yourself closer to her in the room. By positioning yourself closer to her before approaching, you’re not making a direct beeline. Because you’re already nearby and you’ve been talking with other folks, it looks and feels more natural for both of you.

As you approach, be open. Be open and curious to see how things unfold. This is a consistent point my most successful clients follow. Don’t expect anything; just be open to whatever you find as the dynamic begins. You are there to see what happens. You can think of yourself as a detective who’s gathering clues about her and how she feels.

Say something relevant. If it’s a dancing venue, you could ask her to dance. If not, you could say something about the environment, asking her how she knows the host, mentioning something about what she’s drinking. Start talking like you know her, something short and laid back.

If you want to be more intense, you can compliment her. As long as you steer clear of complimenting her boobs or ass directly, it will come across well.

Don’t expect a woman to tell you, “I like you being here,” or, “I want you to leave.”

To know this, you must read her well. Ask yourself based on her body language, “Does she want me to stay or go? For that matter, do I like her? Do I want to stay or go?”

Watch her body language. Read her body language during her conversation. Her body will tell you whether she is open to you or not. Is her torso opening towards you or closed off from you? Is she relaxed or tense? Is she breathing deeply or holding her breath?

The former in all these cases are signs she wants more of you, and the latter are signs she’s uncomfortable and not into it.

Whatever feedback you get isn’t personal. It’s just information on how well you’ve read her, how developed you are in that particular skill at this point in time.

Respond accordingly. If she’s not into talking with you after a few minutes, you can say pleasantly, “Hey, it was great talking to you. Enjoy your night!”

If it wasn’t a long conversation at all, then you can tell her in a laid-back way, “Enjoy your night!”

I’ve had clients who had women so surprised that they were so chill about it, that the women changed their minds when my clients got up to leave and said, “Wait, don’t go!”

Don’t expect a woman to say, “Get my number now.”

If you are having a great connection, incorporating flirtatious touch, and there is no mention of a boyfriend, she wants you to get her number. She won’t say, “Ask for my number now.”

She wants you to get it. Here’s how:

Plant a seed of seeing her again. While you’re talking, mention seeing her again. If you’re talking about a venue already, you can say, “It would be fun to take you there!”

Planting a seed warms her up to the idea.

Get her number. When you get her number, pull out your phone as you’re in conversation with her, and say, “Hey, let me get your number.”

Then open your phone to the text screen and hand her the phone.

By doing that, you’re taking care of it. If she doesn’t want to give you her number, she won’t. If you don’t offer, though, you’ll never know.

When you’re aware of these things that women want but won’t tell you, everything gets easier.

Instead of feeling presumptuous, you know that as long as you’re getting warm vibes and responsiveness from her, you’re actually doing exactly what she likes.

It’s a win-win, and it eliminates drama of wondering whether you should do this or that, going back and forth in your mind.

Knowing what to do and what to look for means you will finally be able to connect with women in a way we want to be connected with, and you will be handsomely rewarded for it.

Sarah JonesSarah Jones founded Introverted Alpha to help smart introverted men attract women naturally. She teaches them how to date with ease, even if they’re inexperienced. Sarah has been featured on Cosmo, Business Insider, MSN.com, Your Tango, Good Men Project, and more. Learn more and find her free gifts at IntrovertedAlpha.com.

  1. Sam on July 23, 2015

    Good article!!! I’m definitely an introvert so I’ll check out her site.

  2. oprime on July 24, 2015

    Wow, I’ve really learn’t a lot

  3. Kelvin on July 25, 2015

    Just wow!

  4. Seymoure on July 25, 2015

    Mostly true but quite common sense material. However as some of us know well, common sense is quite rare.

    • Sarah Jones on July 25, 2015

      I think it can get confusing out there because a lot of “common sense” doesn’t even make sense. There are a lot of cultural memes floating around that aren’t very helpful or true.

      Sometimes seeing things laid out in a simple, straightforward way makes all the difference! Then you can see for yourself whether the “common sense” at hand actually makes sense or not.

  5. Seymoure on July 25, 2015

    Is this the same Sarah jones that lived on a boat once

    • Sarah Jones on July 25, 2015

      Hi Seymoure, I’ve never lived on a boat. If I did, it would be T-Pain / The Lonely Island style, like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU

      • Seymoure on July 25, 2015

        Hi Sarah I only asked because I indirectly knew of someone who lived on a boat with his gf by the same name as yourself in your part of the country and she was in the coaching business. Of course Sarah Jones is a very common name. Nice video and I’m well familiar with boats / yachts in the 15 million plus category due to the business I’m in. I assure you those people in the video – outside of occasional music artists – would most likely be carrying trays serving people.

      • Mark on September 3, 2015

        Hi Sarah! I loved your post and totally agree. You have to focus on the basics. Everything else is style. If a guy can’t be chill he is just another jerk giving the rest of us guys a bad name.

        But, I’m really sorry, I have to totally disagree with your choice in boats. Sailboats are where its at for me. Everything from the long beautiful lines to the thrill of watching the power of a few thousand yards of canvas in the wind pull that beautiful boat through the water. I find it so much more rewarding to work with the wind than to have a gas hungry engine shoving oversized bathtub through the water. Sailing is like approaching a woman the right way. It takes practice and sensitivity and definitely works best if you are just chill. 😉

  6. John on July 26, 2015

    I liked this article, good explanation and useful tips, but I’ve got to ask you this Sarah, and I ask you to be honest, how would you feel if a man did this to you, or better worded, how would you feel if approached by a man in this manner?

    • Sarah Jones on July 27, 2015

      Thank you, John!

      I love being approached by men in this way. That’s why I teach it! Otherwise, it would feel very weird and out of integrity to teach something that I myself and other women I know wouldn’t like.

      This way, it’s a win-win for both men and women. 🙂

      • John on July 30, 2015

        Good to know, the reason for me asking it is because I’ve been reading my share about the typical PUAs and “tactics” with which I generally do not identify and I’ve gathered that quite a few of those tactics are more towards people with specific kind of personalities or tendencies and don’t really match my own, not only because of my low self-confidence, but also because I’m naturally shy with people I haven’t spend much time with although I’ve been working to overcome my shortcomings thanks to sites like Nick’s. The reason to my question would be that i thought that what you proposed was better suited to a certain kind of people that were significantly different than me, but it’s good to know, and I’ve been checking out your site as well and seem to be pretty interesting as well so I’ll keep a eye out with great expectations.


  7. Mark Belden on July 26, 2015

    Good post Sarah. I think guys tend to get hyper focused on how they are showing up during conversations with women that they don’t pay attention to the signals women send them. I know I did for a long time.

    I used to be so focused on what I said or did, that I would be surprised by her saying either yes or no to me asking her out.

    Once I learned to relax and started noticed the things you mentioned in this post I found that I no longer needed to worry about if she was into me or not, I just needed to be present and have fun.

    • Sarah Jones on July 27, 2015

      Hi Mark, great to see you here!

      Yes, it’s such a happy accident, so to speak, that having fun happens to be the very thing that best helps chemistry along – because fun in and of itself is fun!

      At that point, women loving you (and when you’re present and happy, they WILL) is a beautiful bonus.

  8. Oscar on July 28, 2015

    Hi. Great post. I don´t go out too much. In fact, I don´t go out at all. The thing is that the only place I can meet women is at the gym, but I don´t know how to approach them there. All the above applies to the gym?
    I´m a great guy, but I´m also very introverted, so I´m going to check your blog frequently Sarah.

    Thank you for your advice.

    • Sarah Jones on July 28, 2015

      Hi Oscar, my pleasure!

      I’d say find another place you can meet women, because having a primary and secondary venue works really well. It’s not an overwhelming amount of venues, but having more options than just one is really helpful.

      Also, yes the above works at the gym more or less, though I wrote it with nighttime out-and-about venues in mind.

      The biggest factors to approach success are having a strong sense of yourself and having strong social awareness.

      You can be ANYWHERE and if you don’t have those, things won’t turn out well. If you DO have those, things WILL turn out well. All the rest are just details.

  9. kobby on August 6, 2015

    There’s a girl I’m interested in. We met sometime ago but I stopped messaging her because she replied some of my calls and didn’t with some. Two weeks later I met her in the cafeteria and she asked why I acted as if I didn’t know her. I jokingly said it was because I didn’t know her. A week later I called and told her I didn’t mean it, I was just joking and she said it was cool. I messaged her a week after and she also said she didn’t know me and ignored my WhatsApp message two days later. I met her two weeks later, she saw me and smiled and looked down as she walked by. We haven’t contacted each other for two months now. What do you advice me to do

    • Sarah Jones on August 6, 2015

      Hi Kobby,

      I’d say being more up front with your attraction is best. Then you can avoid hit-and-miss situations. With this particular woman, you can reach out once more. Either she’s warmed up to you and will respond, or she won’t and you’ll get some closure.

  10. Seymoure on August 6, 2015

    Mr. Kobby, I agree with Ms. Jones. If you are interested in knowing this woman in order to determine if you wish to start something with her, then be a man and let her know clearly that you’re interested in meeting her on a one on one basis. Ask for a date and time and be prepared to receive a yes or no answer and then be on your way. My guess is she’s not the last woman on earth 🙂

  11. Andrew on September 3, 2015

    I sometimes wonder why I’ve always detested the gender role that guys have to be the initiators, do the approaching and asking out, making the first move, leading the interaction, etc.

    Because too many people argue and say that us guys, men are natural hunters, pursuers, even one person said to me “Males have evolved to be the pursuers in nature. You can see this from monkeys to frogs. The males pursue the females in most of the species on the planet.”

    Now this is not a typical rant in terms of me asking as to why us guys always have to initiate, i’m asking as to why i don’t have the instinctive, innate, natural urge to initiate, pursue, because since people argue and say that us guys, men are natural pursuers, hunters, i feel like i never naturally had those instincts, but of course the desire for wanting a girlfriend, sex, has always been there, but anyway, i think you get the point i’m making. I wonder why I never had that hunter mentality, instinctive urge to take action with women on a consistent, constant basis.

    Because another guy also said “You act like taking the initiative is some kind of burden or drudgery. Most normal, red-blooded guys enjoy taking the initiative and do it automatically. It’s not a matter of “have to”. A normal testosterone level and, at least, average intelligence, should ensure that a guy has more than enough assertiveness and initiative to get and maintain a relationship.”

    The way it sounds like, or the way i’m interpreting it, it’s like as if us guys, men, taking action with women instead of being passive and waiting for them to approach us, ask us out, is a natural, instinctive, innate, biological urge, as in pursuing women and initiating with women is part of our natural mentality, it’s like we never question at all in our mind or wonder why girls don’t approach or hit on guys first, we just do it ourselves automatically, anyway I think you get the point of what i’m asking and wondering, I wish it was natural, instinctive, innate in me, because obviously the reality of life, is that all women, or at least almost all of them, are still stubbornly passive and wait for guys to make the first move, approach and talk to them first, initiate conversation, ask them out, be the initiator, etc.

    So I sometimes wonder if something is wrong with me genetically.

  12. Jason on October 20, 2015

    Oh god, so much work! Thanks for this one, which I have actually already been using but couldn’t put it into words.. “Before you walk out of the house, remember why you’re attractive”

    • Sarah Jones on October 20, 2015

      Awesome, Jason! Glad it resonated with you. 🙂

  13. G on January 27, 2016

    Better way to get a # so if you know it is solid:

    Don’t say let me get your number and pull out your phone, do a soft close instead.

    Say, “this is fun, we should do it again sometime” then watch her reaction. If she’s hesitant, pauses, doesn’t get excited about the idea it will probably be a flaky number. If she gets excited or starts suggesting a time, then trade numbers

  14. 🌿💡(bud light) on February 21, 2016

    I’d say whatever you have to say mean it otherwise she won’t get wet

  15. oren on May 1, 2016

    I do this all the time before I read it and it works like a charm or maybe I am just a charm

  16. Paul on June 15, 2016

    I’ve never had even one “… time when a woman was warm and responsive to me…” I’ve been trying for decades (I’m in my mid-30s) and not a single positive response. Pretty hard to feel good about myself or have any confidence with that record. Any advice for a guy who has literally never experienced anything but flat out rejection?

    • Sarah Jones on June 15, 2016

      Hi Paul, I totally get that it’s frustrating and even disheartening.

      The important thing to know is that the only reason you’ve not yet had success is you’ve not yet focused on building the skill in the right way — a way that works well and fits you like a glove.

      Nick and I both specialize in helping men do exactly that. I recommend reaching out to one or the other of us if you’re ready to dig in and solve this.

      • Paul on July 1, 2016

        Hi Sarah – thanks for responding. I have no problem approaching in the first place and having pleasant – even two-way flirty conversations with women – which I’ve been told I’m good at. But nothing happens, and despite playful banter, I have yet to create any semblance of ‘chemistry’ with a woman. This is, as you say, disheartening, and after so many years, I seriously doubt that I *can* do that. Could it be that I’m just meant to be alone?

        • Sarah Jones on July 1, 2016

          You are absolutely NOT meant to be single. No one is. It’s a skill to build, and you can build that skill. Period! 🙂

          • Andrew on July 2, 2016

            Sounds like you are saying it’s still not too late for him to get a girlfriend, glad to hear that, I feel my mindset has sort of changed on that lately

          • Paul on July 9, 2016

            I appreciate your confidence, Sarah – but surely if there was any chance at all, there would have been ONE woman interested in me in the past 20 years (?) – there hasn’t been.

    • Andrew on June 15, 2016

      Ya, it doesn’t surprise me that guys seem more at risk than women do at being perpetually single