What Doesn’t Kill You Gets You Dates

June 6th, 2012 by Nick Notas 11 Comments

You are not alone.

Years ago, I was terrified of being rejected by a woman, too. I thought it was the worst possible thing I could ever experience. So much so that I didn’t approach for months when I first started going out.

That all changed one night…

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t start a conversation. One of my buddies decided that we should focus on saying the cheesiest pickup lines we could think of; take the seriousness out of things and just have some fun at the bar.

There she was, long, blonde, and beautiful, surrounded by two friends. A few drinks in, I mustered the courage to walk up to her and say:

“Hey girl, is your dad a beaver? ‘Cuz DAAAAAMN!”

I didn’t expect it to work but I thought it would get a chuckle and then I’d exit quickly.

And you know what? Her friends laughed. Woohoo, they think it’s hilarious! Wait a second, why does she look so pissed off?

She stared me down and snapped back, “Do you think that’s fucking funny or something?”

I froze. I had no idea how to respond to that. I figured at worst I’d get a cold shoulder but here she was flipping out on me.

I qualified myself nervously, “I was only messing around, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

But it was too late. She was not having it and curtly told me to leave them alone. It was a harsh rejection.

I’ll never forget the first thought I had walking away from that interaction: “Holy shit, that wasn’t so bad.” In fact, it was kind of funny, and having my friends there for support made it no big deal.

Since then, I’ve been rejected more times than I can count. I’ve had girls turn away mid-conversation, call me gay, and even tell me I looked like a terrorist on a scruffy day. As horrible as all those may sound, I don’t regret a single one of them because they’re the secret to my success.

Each time I got rejected, it further reinforced that it was never as bad as I’d imagined in my head. That I didn’t die or receive any lasting harm. It’s easy to tell yourself, “it’s going to feel terrible” but that belief is shattered when the exact opposite happens.

In between those rejections, I started hitting it off with incredible girls. I became more confident that I could face whatever came at me. With every consecutive interaction, whether the result was positive or negative, I grew stronger and more secure in my self-worth.

This started a chain reaction that has changed me forever. As I became less afraid, I let loose and opened up. Subsequently, women became more attracted to me and I got rejected less and less. None of it would have happened if I hadn’t said “screw it” and taken that first shot.

Without rejection, it’s almost impossible to meet an amazing woman. Every guy that’s great with the ladies has been turned down on many occasions. You can’t expect to know what works and what doesn’t until you put yourself on the line. 

Accept that rejection is an inevitable part of the dating process. Stop avoiding it and let it empower you.

— 

I know it can be hard to take that first step. That’s why I want to help each and every one of you. Dating 101 has so many resources to get out there and connect with beautiful women.

If you haven’t already, download my free eBook on approaching women. It has tons of exercises to overcome approach/rejection anxiety and specific examples you can use to strike up conversation. 

There is absolutely no reason you shouldn’t be approaching right now!

Finally, please comment or reach out to me personally if you need a hand 🙂

  1. Ben S. on June 7, 2012

    When I started college, there was an idea (openly discussed) among my nerdy friends(male and female), that you should get to know a person for at least a year before you try to date them. This made me realize that one of the troubles with waiting is that a guy will start building up more social obligations and relationships around the girl he desires. This makes rejection seem a lot worse, because he can’t just walk away, like he could from a girl at a bar. He also imagines how his friendships with her friends will be strange or go away.

    I don’t have experience on whether continued friendships are actually awkward or not, but I imagine if he was only friends because of his interest in a specific girl, then they would fall apart.

    • Nick Notas on June 7, 2012

      Yeah, unfortunately the whole wait as a friend and hope she comes around rarely works. Most women make up their mind about you within 15 minutes. You’re either a guy they’d potentially be romantic with or not.

      Waiting definitely makes things harder and more awkward. You build her up obsessively in your head and put her on a pedestal. Not the healthiest mindset to have :-/

      As for being friends, it depends on the guy usually. I’ve made moves on girls before and they told me they weren’t interested. But, I was legitimately cool as staying friends and it was no big deal. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.

      The problem is that many men can’t be just friends after getting rejected, which is okay. It can be hard to get over a girl when you’re still seeing her. It’s NOT okay though when you pretend to be friends while secretly you’re still hoping and pining over her. That only leads to frustration and resentment in the long run.

      Thanks for the comment Ben!

  2. Zac on June 8, 2012

    This is a great post man. Rejection helps you realize that not every girl is going to like you, so then when you find one who genuinely does, you’ll really appreciate what you’ve got.

    • Nick Notas on June 8, 2012

      Thanks Zac 🙂

      I always say that you’re not going to want every girl either. The point is to make a lot of connections so you can find someone you genuinely want to be with — even if it’s casually.

  3. Jay on June 22, 2012

    I feel like sometimes I’m not as afraid of getting rejected, but the fact that other people can see me getting rejected. How do you deal with that?

    • Nick Notas on June 22, 2012

      I’ve been there dude, no one wants a bunch of eyes staring at them. But honestly, you just have to accept that it’s not that bad. In fact, most people aren’t judging you or care enough to think about it for more than a couple of seconds.

      If you get rejected, it’s almost always a simple “no” or subtle. It’s not like she’s going to scream and make things super awkward.

      Finally, a lot of people (guys especially) are going to think what you did is ballsy and be secretly jealous. Every guy wants to be able to approach a beautiful woman. If you’re the one doing it, they may pretend to poke fun, but deep down they wish they were the one taking chances.

      • Tom on November 6, 2013

        My good and clear friends always help me out when I get rejected and help to make it seem better for me. You are never alone in going through this stuff. Honestly Ive been rejected too many times to keep track of and I just brush it off. Very few times have I just grown too attached and it became hard to accept. My friends also have shared these feelings with me as well.

    • Mark on August 24, 2014

      Jay, Brene Brown said something in her TED talk that struck me. She asked the audience “how many of you would feel nervous and weak being up here on the stage”. 75% of the audience raised their hands. Then she asked “how many of you see me as strong and confident for getting up here in from of you?”. 100% of the audience raised their hands. The truth is we feel weak when we do things that take guts and courage. If we could step back and see ourselves do these things we would think “wow, that guys is confident and strong”. That’s why doing things that push you out of your comfort zone and getting to actually enjoy that feeling are so important to self growth. Those are the times you probably are also looking confident to others. Guys and girls. And remember, its always OK to be honest. “Hi! Just walking over here has made me a bit nervous. So I’m hoping you’re as sweet as you are attractive. Can I buy you a drink?”

  4. John on May 4, 2013

    Hey Nick. I love reading your articles and find them quite inspirational. I would love to start approaching more women but I feel that although I am told I am attractive I don’t feel it. It doesn’t help that since turning 30ish I have noticed a few stray eyebrows getting super long, nose hairs going wild and some ear hairs budding. This has kind of knocked my confidence. I know most men as they get older start getting hair going a little crazy so I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I just guess I think what if a woman I like or am interacting with sees one of those little devils. Because atferall even with the most careful grooming regime sometimes you miss one. Any advice on this as it’s really gotten me down lately and feel it’s getting in the way of getting what I want with women. Thanks Nick.

    • Nick Notas on May 5, 2013

      Hey John,

      A few stray eyebrows or nose hairs don’t mean much. Women value things like attitude, humor, confidence, and leading way more. All those qualities you can learn and cultivate.

      I’m Greek and I have thick eyebrows. I try to keep them in check and look groomed. But, there have been plenty of times where I’ve had success and my eyebrows didn’t look great, I was unshaven, not dressed in my nice clothes, etc.

      My point is: try your best to look your best but don’t worry about the small details. I promise they aren’t stopping you from attracting women.

  5. adir on March 22, 2014

    you are a fucking genius!