Should You Try to Get Your Ex Back?

October 9th, 2014 by Nick Notas 11 Comments

Broken Heart Ex

Yesterday I was on the phone with a long-time client, Jon.

Jon told me how he finally feels like he’s in a good place. His business is thriving, he’s grown tremendously as a person over the last few years, and he’s casually seeing two gorgeous women.

He then asked me, “So, do you think I should reach out to my ex, to see if anything’s still there?”

This surprised me.

Why? Because of the way he phrased the question.

I have an endless supply of guys asking me, “How do I get my ex-girlfriend back?” They’ve already made up their mind and are determined to win her at all costs. And generally, it’s a huge red flag.

But it’s rare for someone to ask me if it’s a good idea in the first place. And not because they need my approval, but because they are truly evaluating whether or not it’s a smart, healthy decision.

I replied to Jon, “Before I answer, let me ask you some questions..”

Here are the six questions I asked him. If you’ve ever thought about getting your ex back, answer these honestly and you’ll know if it’s the right thing to do.

1. Have you had successful romantic connections with other people since the break up?

That means more than just getting a number or a first date. Have you kissed someone or shared an intimate moment? Have you seen someone multiple times and built a deeper connection?

Also, have you dated anyone else besides your ex, ever?

It’s extremely hard to let go of an ex when you haven’t opened your heart to someone else. You need to give yourself a chance to see how many other incredible people are out there.

2. If you have seen other people, did you give those romantic connections a fair shot? 

Are you unfairly comparing new romances to your ex? Do you always think, “she/he’s not my ex”?

Have you allowed them to see the real, vulnerable you or have you protected yourself from getting hurt again?

Did you allow enough time for a deeper connection to thrive? Or did you give up when trying to compare a few dates to the chemistry you had with your ex?

You shouldn’t be seeking a clone of your ex — you’ll never find one. Once you accept that, you’ll learn to appreciate the different qualities new people have to offer.

3. Was the relationship with your ex healthy?

Did they treat you well? Were they respectful? Did they invest in you? Were they honest in the relationship? Did they cheat on you.

All those questions apply to you as a partner, too.

If your ex wasn’t good to you, why do you want them back so badly? Have some self-respect. Unless they’ve made massive changes in their life, find someone who’s a better fit.

And if you weren’t good to your ex….

4. Have the circumstances changed?

Consider why you broke up in the first place. Is anything different now?

If you were the problem, what have you done to work on yourself? Have you overcome your “nice guy “ habits? Have you learned healthy communication? Are you more in control of your emotions?

Perhaps things ended because you couldn’t handle a long distance relationship. Or maybe one of you struggled with addiction.

Whatever the reason, the situation needs to be resolved or on it’s way to doing so. For example, you’re moving back home to the west coast or you’re in AA and sober for 18 months.

Claiming, “I’ll work on them if I just get another chance.” is not acceptable. Get your shit together beforehand, not after.

5. Do you want to be with your ex, and not need to be with them?

Do you enjoy your own company now?

Are you happy when you’re single? Or do you need to always be with someone just to feel valuable?

You have to learn to be self-sufficient. You shouldn’t expect a partner to fix your problems. Relying on someone else for fulfillment is the start of miserable, co-dependent relationships.

Your feelings of neediness may also increase when you see your ex with another partner. You can’t stand the idea of them being intimate with anyone else so you suddenly have to get them back.

When you let yourself think that way, you’re viewing your ex as a possession. They are not yours to claim, even when you’re in a relationship together. They are a human being. You should be happy for them even if they’re happy with someone else.

6. Are you willing to accept the possibility of rejection?

What if your ex has no interest in dating you again? What if they ignore you? Will you be okay?

Of course it may be disappointing, but will it crush you? Will it affect your self-worth? Will you spiral into depression and not meet anyone else? Will you get angry and start taking it out on your ex?

If you can’t confidently say you would walk away and move on from that situation, you’re not ready to try.

When I finished my questions to Jon, he had answered “yes” to every single one.

He’d met other women and had amazing experiences with them. He loved himself and the life he was living — even when single. He and his ex had previously enjoyed a healthy relationship. And she seemed like a sweet girl who cared about him a lot.

Their biggest problem was that Jon had prioritized his work over his ex. He’d loved her but she always came second. He was ready to change that.

So I told him, “Go ahead, reach out to her and see what happens.”

Because he could say yes to those 6 questions, Jon proved he was in a good place to contact his ex. If he’d said no to any one of them, he wouldn’t have been.

Evaluate your situation truthfully and make the right choice.

  1. Austin on October 9, 2014

    I’ve been dying to contact my old girlfriend. She moved from New York to Seattle for a job and we both couldn’t handle the long distance thing. I’ve been telling myself maybe it would be different now.

    Then I read “have the circumstances changed?”. I know they haven’t for me. I know that deep down I need someone I can see and touch and spend time with. The truth sucks sometimes.

    • Nick Notas on October 9, 2014

      That’s a tough situation. Long-distance relationships are never easy. I see them eventually fail the majority of the time.

      If we’re going to be exclusive with someone, we have needs that have to be met. Not just sex, but to feel the closeness and personal connection of being face-to-face.

      The only consistent times I’ve seen LDRs work is when one person ends up moving closer to the other.

  2. noah on October 9, 2014

    The articles you link throughout the article are really helpful. I’m definitely not in a place to reach out again but it’s good to have resources for me to work on myself.

    • Nick Notas on October 9, 2014

      Glad you’ve found the articles helpful Noah.

  3. Derek on October 9, 2014

    Great timing on this article, Nick. Definitely gives a new perspective on my current situation.

  4. Gilmour on November 15, 2014

    I had a fallout with my ex last year, we weren’t together anymore. She reached out to me after an year of no contact, wanted to be friends, was treating me well… but I got uncomfortable with her presence (due to the grim past and negative experiences) and deleted her from Facebook. She found out, got pissed off and blocked me afterwards.

    Anyway, I found out today she unblocked me. I’m not afraid of risking, and I want to be with her, not need to. However, I didn’t open up to any other girl after her. What do you think, Nick?

  5. Marisol on March 2, 2015

    Dear Nick, can you think with me the best course of action in this situation?

    I’m in no contact since 2 weeks ago, after trying to meet him to talk logically about the reason of the breakup (never received an answer).
    My boyfriend took a commitment to people I hate and who secretly but clearly hated me since our first meeting, for no reason.
    I asked my boyfriend to renounce this commitment and he didn’t want to.

    My ex was a very busy person and very stressed by his job as well.

    Do you think 3 weeks of no contact is enough to contact him casually? Or to show up to the place where he practices sports, to do my own exercises ?

    (By the way the friend who hated me is a girl who badmouthed her boyfriend in front of me, badmouthed me behind my back and so on… After I saw her attitude, I asked her in a judgmental way to change her behavior and other times I told her I didn’t like her, so to please keep away from us).

    Thank you for your kind attention,
    hope to hear from you

  6. Frankie on March 4, 2015

    Thanks for sharing such useful information on how to get an ex back again. I really appreciate when I learn more tips to help me out in resolving a problem about my relationship.

  7. shelly on July 16, 2015

    My boyfriend and I have been getting into little arguments which then later escalated. A lot of which are my fault but I never thought I would lose him because we are in love. He told me yesterday that he loves me but is done. That the fights keep hurting him too much.
    I can’t believe I hurt him like that and would love nothing more than another chance to prove to him and myself that I will cut out my insecurities that I’ve brought into this relationship. I did all i could to end this fight between us us, didn’t work so i had to seek the help of a spell caster who i met online and promised to help me bring him back into my life in 5 days time. i wasn’t really sure about this, but i was really desperate that i had to do all that that the spell caster asked me. it was on the fiftieth day at 3pm on friday, i had a knock on the door and to my greatest surprise, it was my boyfriend, the first thing he said was that he has forgiven me and he will never leave me again, ever.
    Am so full of joy for what this spell caster have done for me, that i want the world to benefit from this. if you need her help you can reach her on (ANNASHELLY42@GMAIL.COM) for any thing on relationship or anything you can think of for she is very powerful and so real.

  8. berry jackson on July 17, 2015

    Dear friends online, my name is berry jackson, I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, i was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine (Angela) told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Dr.uda.So i emailed him drbalogun222@gmail.com, the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 2days and was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr.uda for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me. If you are going through hard life and you need help in problems such as:

    (1) I need my ex back
    (1) You want to be promoted in your office.
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    (4) If you need financial assistance

    Contact his email again (drbalogun222@gmail.com.) and be blessed.