Is Your Race Ruining Your Romantic Life?

July 17th, 2014 by Nick Notas 7 Comments

John Cho Kal Penn With Girls

 

My father left Greece and came to the states in the early ‘70s. He barely spoke English and had a thick accent. Now he can read and write fluently but still hasn’t lost the accent.

He started as a line worker at an electronics company. Within a couple of years, he moved up the ranks to a production manager overseeing dozens of employees. At that time, he still had to have his secretary write memos for him.

Yet he still managed to be an inspiring leader, build a great social circle, and become close friends with the CEO of the company. In those years, he dated many women until he married my mother, an attractive woman 10 years younger than him.

My father eventually left the electronics company to start his dream of owning a restaurant. He faced the usual obstacles: his food was good but not award-winning. His location was surrounded by competition.

So how did he stay afloat for over 20 years in an industry where 60% of all new businesses fail within 3 years?

He utilized his versatile people skills and ability to attract others. He was charismatic despite looking like, sounding like, and actually being a complete foreigner.

Every day he wore a smile and socialized with every customer. Whether they were blue-collar construction workers, doctors, trendy hair stylists, teenagers, or even drug dealers, he engaged them in conversation.

People loved his open-mindedness and would even spend their lunch breaks hanging out with him. I’d overhear them sharing personal stories and laughing like old friends. I’ve never met anyone who can consistently get a positive reaction from strangers like he can.

What’s actually ruining your romantic life

Many of the men who request my help are international or non-white. They struggle to attain the lifestyle they desire and blame their lack of success on their accent, race, or skin color. I’ve seen this primarily in Indian, Asian, and Middle Eastern guys.

But those things are not responsible for holding them back. The real culprit is the guys themselves, getting in their own way. Let me explain…

You put yourself out there. Maybe you try to talk to a woman and she rejects you. You get a number and never see her again. Or you have a date that doesn’t turn into another.

You assume this failure happened because of your race or ethnicity. In reality, it could have been for a dozen other reasons:

  • She was taken or unavailable.
  • You weren’t smiling.
  • You had poor eye contact which made her uncomfortable.
  • You didn’t have an engaging conversation.
  • You took too long to invite her out over text and she got bored.
  • You didn’t flirt, get physical, or lead things forward when she wanted to.

These are typical struggles for all of us. We make mistakes and learn from them. But instead of accepting them as normal, you filter it through those limiting beliefs about your heritage.

This idea can become an obsession. You assume everyone’s judging you. You believe that this is always going to happen and will forever ruin your chances at a fulfilling social and romantic life.

Because of it you don’t try much anymore. You stop being as social. You stop introducing yourself to new women.

The few instances when you do put yourself out there again, you expect people to hate you and act accordingly. You’re not having fun. You’re not playful or passionate. You’re defensive and have closed body language. You don’t push forward and leave conversations early.

Of course no one’s responding positively! That would happen to anyone regardless of what they look like.

The combination of not taking enough chances and unattractive behavior yields poor results.

You are sabotaging your own success and blaming it on everyone else. Your insecure projections make this a reality. It’s a case of confirmation bias.

The only way things will change

I wish you’d listen when I tell you about an Indian client whose online profile gets messaged by white girls weekly. Or the Asian client who felt he’d be forever limited to dating only Asian girls who now goes out with women of all races.  Or the dozens of women who told me they wished more non-white men would approach them.

But when your beliefs are that firmly rooted, there’s only one thing that will change your mind: real-world proof. You need to experience women finding you attractive to shatter your limiting beliefs and give you an attitude adjustment.

That requires a little faith from you. We all started out terrified when trying to be more social and romantic. We had doubts about ourselves. We questioned if we could ever be liked. Everyone has something they feel insecure about.

For me, it was my height. I thought no beautiful woman would desire a shorter guy. I didn’t fit into the tall, dark, and handsome ideal. I endured multiple women telling me to my face that I was too short for them.

But did I tell myself that I would never find someone? Did I focus on all the women who disliked short guys? No.

I accepted that some women weren’t interested in me but plenty more than I could ever handle, were. And not just short girls – most of the women I’ve dated are the same height or taller.

I’m not stupid. Some women will negatively perceive you but many won’t. You’re making sweeping generalizations that are bullshit.

You have to believe in yourself and create more opportunities to find success.

How to handle your diversity and use it to your advantage

  • Make your name easier. Having an uncommon or hard to pronounce name can be difficult for people to initially understand. This is especially true in loud environments like bars or clubs. In those cases opt for a shortened version of your name or a nickname.

    This upsets a lot of men who take pride in their name. I’m not telling you to be ashamed of it, but you should make it as easy as possible for people to connect with you early on. Once you’ve talked for a bit, feel free to share your full name with them. “By the way, my real name is X.”

    If you’re adamant about giving your full name from the start, teach people how to say it correctly. You can even be playful about it. “It’s Persian. It’s not easy but I’ll help you. Say it with me, A-ram.” When she says it, “Wow, you make it sound so pretty.”

  • Own where you’re from. Proudly talk about your home and ethnicity. Just because people are unfamiliar with it does not mean they’ll be repulsed by it. They’re often excited to learn more if you’re willing to share and educate them.
  • Stop thinking you need to compensate. Foreign guys tend to show off with expensive cars, lavish gifts, and high-priced dinners. They try to prove how cool they are and buy a woman’s affection.

    Unfortunately, attraction is an emotion she needs to feel. Overspending just makes it obvious that you’re insecure. This also attracts women who only care about money. All you need to win a woman is over is your personality.

  • Speak clearly and confidently. If English isn’t your first language, you probably have an accent. Accents can be exotic and sexy, they’re a good thing. The only issue is when your accent hinders people’s ability to understand you clearly.

    Slow down and enunciate your speech. A lot of foreigners are also soft-spoken, so learn how to speak with your chest voice.

    If your accent is extremely thick, consider working to improve it. You don’t have to lose it completely, but you do want make it less pronounced. Start with free videos from Let’s Talk and consider an online course if you’re serious. You can also watch movies and TV shows and practice repeating their speech.

The secret behind my father’s success was that he never assumed people would dislike him for his heritage.  His confidence was magnetic and his diversity became a strength. He made his own reality and you can, too.

  1. AJ on July 17, 2014

    This is extremely relevant to me Nick, thank you. Another tip I figured about nicknames – if you can’t think of anything good go for simple 1 or 2 letter abbreviations…I go with AJ haha

    • Nick Notas on July 17, 2014

      Glad you liked it AJ! That works as well.

  2. Robert on July 17, 2014

    While I agree with the message you convey, last I checked, in the US, Greeks are considered to be white.

    • Nick Notas on July 17, 2014

      Sure, but that’s also why I used race in the broad classification of accent, skin color, and not being American born.

      My father is white but he was obviously a foreigner who barely spoke English. Plus he has dark skin and a thick mustache haha.

    • Charlie_Foxtrot on July 17, 2014

      Not in every area of the country. I’m of mixed southern-european descent myself, was born and raised in Oklahoma and people are always asking me where I’m from.

      A person with Nick’s ethnic features would definitely stand-out in an area where most of the “white-people” are of Scottish, Irish and English descent.

      This can work both for and against you.

  3. Charlie_Foxtrot on July 17, 2014

    Definitely one of your best articles Nick. We become our own worst enemies when we allow pre-conceived notions to pervade and take hold of our thoughts.

    Best foot forward. Every day is a new day. And nobody bats a thousand.