If You Aren’t Flirting, Neither is She

September 20th, 2013 by Nick Notas 26 Comments

Nerd with girl

Alex was a frustrated mechanical engineer. Every girl he liked saw him as just a friend. They never flirted with him and there was no romantic connection.

Alex became bitter and angry towards these women. He blamed them for his lack of dating success.

I told him to send me some of his text messages, online dating exchanges, and a summary of his first dates. It was immediately clear to me where he was making his mistakes.

I asked him, “Why do you think these girls aren’t flirting with you?”

He replied, “Because I’m an engineer. I have a nerdy, uncool job. I’m not tall or muscular and I wear glasses. Mostly because I’m nice and I’ve realized that girls only want assholes.”

I shook my head. “It has nothing to do with any of that. Plenty of women will like you but not until you stop treating them as friends. Completely platonic talk gets you nowhere.

You’re not being honest with the type of relationship you want. Your intentions are ambiguous. You don’t show your interest in them from the start and therefore aren’t allowing them to be interested in you.

You need to flirt with them so they feel they have permission to flirt back. They need to get excited, laugh, and be turned on around you to see you as a potential sexual partner.”

Of course, he didn’t believe me. So we setup a Skype session and he shared his screen. Using his OKCupid account, he picked out a cute girl and I started a live chat with her.

For demonstration purposes, I pushed harder than I normally would. You could safely reduce the sexual forwardness in this conversation by half and still be effective. The point was to show him that being too forward is better than playing it too safe. And that the acceptable amount of flirting is higher than you think.

Me: I’m going to have to fight you on the hottest buns competition

[She had a picture of a sign that said “hottest buns” and she was pointing to her butt.]

Her: haha

Her: we’d have to collect a jury of our peers

Her: to judge the competition

Me: but they’d have be non-biased so we’d have to find third parties that don’t know either of us

[Roleplaying with her.]

Her: solicit some strangers

Me: start shaking our ass at them, “hey, hey, sexy buns competition right here”

Me: our ass, as if we had one ass, united

[Poking fun at my typo.]

Her: yesss

Me: actually im out, I don’t know if I can handle Siamese butts

Her: its ok, they wont be twins because mines better

Me: put your booty where my mouth is

[She’s teasing me so I challenge her back and make a statement of interest.]

Me: hahahaha

Her: zing

Me: BAM!

Me: how’s it feel to be back in the steak world

[She wrote about recently ending her vegetarian streak and falling in love with steak.]

Her: i don’t even know what to say because the conversation is just going to go down from here

Her: oh

Her: good!

Her: i just ate one

Her: like 5 minutes ago

Me: wow, you thought we’d have a terrible convo

Me: I’m so hurt now

[Teasing her for what I interpreted as resistance.]

Her: no it was just so perfect

Her: too much pressure

[Her qualifying (explaining) herself, complimenting me, and investing back in me.]

Me: haha I’m flattered, it was mostly you

Me: You’re fun, makes it easy

[Positively reinforcing her opening up to me.]

Her: thanks 🙂

Her: you as well

Me: Mmm what’s your favorite steak cut?

[Building connection (rapport) by asking her about herself.]

Her: i honestly don’t know my steak cuts very well

Her: this one that i bought was just a thin cut

Her: too thin i think, i couldn’t cook it to be as rare as i wanted because i looked away for a sec and it was done

Me: man, you’re a home chef who had the confidence to admit what you didn’t know

Me: instead of bsing it to me, much respect

Me: ahha

[Telling her I appreciate her honesty.]

Her: yeah you know

Her: what cut? the… meat part of the cow.

[Her being vulnerable and poking fun at herself, a very good sign.]

Me: rofl

Me: I sometimes eat a steak and think how good it is

Me: that I would walk up to a cow and just take a bite nonchalantly

Her: oh man

Me: I imagine that they wouldn’t get hurt. She’s just like “hey, how’s it taste today?”

Her: since i started eating red meat again

Me: and I’d say “awesome Ms. Cow, awesome”

[Relating back with my own love for steak.]

Her: i am obsessed

Her: i feel the same

Her: i could eat a cow

Her: after apologizing first

Her: maybe

Me: haha ….maybe

Me: Have you tried Ruth’s Chris?

Her: no, it sounds fancy

Her: what is it?

Me: it’s a fancy steakhouse chain but not lame. In fact, it beats pretty much every other steak I’ve tried in Boston

Me: they flash cook it in a special 2000 degree oven, then drop it on butter so it sizzles in deliciousness all the way to your mouth

Her: oh my gosh.

Her: i drooled.

Me: is it weird that I’m slightly turned on by that 😛

[Teasing and showing interest.]

Her: drool?

[She asks to clarify. Many guys would back down but I hold true to what I said.]

Me: yeah nothing sexier than awkwardly drooling on yourself

Her: yeah just like

Her: uaaallooooouulllll

Her: which is what i think drooling sounds like

Her: apparently

[She accepts my flirtation.]

Me: please stop, the heat is getting too intense

Her: yeah whoa

Me: I’m feeling a little medium rare if you know what I’m sayin

[I continue to push with more sexual playfulness and innuendo.]

Her: chicka bow wow

Me: so tell me a bit about yourself, what are you passionate about?

[I ease off the flirting and ask her something personal. I want her to know that I’m interested in her and not just sex.]   

Her: well, i’m an animator

Her: and in addition to it being my major, it’s also my hobby

[She opens up and invests in me.]

Me: mhmm, I saw that

Her: i’m lucky to be so into what i do

Me: that’s rare, I can tell you’re very driven with it

[Approving of her investing in me.]        

Her: it’s just so fun!

Her: i went to see ice age 4 today

Me: I missed out on Ice Age 3

Me: how was it

Her: oh my gosh

Her: ice age 3 is my favorite of the series

Her: by far

Me: we’ll have to watch it then

[Pushing to meet up and assuming she already wants to hang out.]

Her: i have it

Her: sort of

[Her telling me she has it available.]

Me: Okay, be there in 20

Her: have a copy on my computer

Me: pce

[Playfully implying we’re going to see each other that night.]

Her: haha!

Me: Whoa whoa

Me: u download ILLEGALLY?

Her: no it was given to me

Her: by someone who does

Me: I knew you had a bad side

[Making a statement that she has a wild side.]

Her: maybe a little

Her: but

Her: i will remain mysterious for now

[She shyly admit her wild side.]         

Me: Well, now you’re just going to make me want to find out

[Direct statement of intent.]

Her: my evil plan succeeded

[Her accepting my advance and flirting back.]

Me: to lure me into your house and watch ice age 3?

Me: I’m too clever for your tricks

Her: everyone i know is tired of my talking about that movie

Her: so a new audience is always needed

Me: not me

Her: hence the plan

[Her stating that we’re going to meet.]

Me: What area of Boston are you in

[Asking her personal details for logistics.]

Her: over on mission hill

[She invests and tells me, a sign she’s comfortable.]

Her: how bout you?

Me: Back bay

Her: very nice

Her: i like back bay

Me: what’re your roommates going to think about a stranger coming over to watch ice age 3

[Being very forward for the same night meetup. Normally wouldn’t push like that as I knew she would likely be too nervous to invite me right over. But I wanted to show that even if you escalate too far, it often doesn’t matter.]

Her: well

Her: we’re in the middle of admiring the butts in olympic volleyball

Her: so

Her: i dont know if we want to interrupt

[She’s hesitating to meet up. I back down to ease off the pressure and switch to being playful.]

Me: female or male butts

Her: female

Her: is there male volleyball?

Me: yup yup

Her: ooh

Me: not as fun to watch though

[Being open about liking female volleyball players.]

Her: do they wear the short shorts?

Me: who wears short shorts?

Me: and yes, yes they do lol

Her: wait really

Me: haha yeah, i just struck a chord with u, huh?

[Teasing her on thinking about male’s butts.]   

Her: ooooOOOOoooh

Me: naughty girl

[Being sexually forward.]

Her: although

Her: on second thought

Her: guys in short shorts are weird

Her: its a little creepy 80s

Me: damn it, I already started rummaging through my creepy shorts drawer

[Being silly and sarcastic that I have creepy shorts.]

Her: haha

Her: i just did research

Her: i take it back

Her: http://www.aolcdn.com/aolpolltool/chris-cooley-short-shorts

Me: did you really just make me look at another man’s ass?

Her: zing

Me: you deserve a spanking for that one

Me: IN booty shorts

[Displaying sexual intent.]

Her: ooooh

Her: that’s quite the punishment

Me: mmhmm, I don’t play around!

Her: haha

[Her responding well to my advance and playing back with me.]

Me: okay I have to tame myself before I say bad things

[Continuing to escalate, hinting that I’m thinking about sex with her.]

Me: =X

Her: haha purr

[She’s turned on and enjoying the advances, tension is high now.]

Me: You’re too adorable you know that

Her: oh god you made me blush

[Her purr made me smile so I told her how I felt. This made her embarrassed in a good way.]

Me: Gosh now I’m blushing

Her: blushes all around

Me: a little bit of rouge for good measure

[Easing the tension with some humor.]

Me: Unfortunately, I have to run for now, some friends are calling me out

Her: aww, okay

Her: you’re pretty awesome, maybe we can do this in person sometime

[Her asking for my number before I even made the move.]

Me: mhmm, we’ll have to watch ice age another time. You free Monday night?

Her: yes and i’d love to 🙂

Me: deal

Me: shoot me your number and I’ll text you tomorrow

Her: k

Me: enjoy your butt watching and ttys!

[Some lightheartedness so she leaves the convo with a smile.]

Her:  my number is XXX XXX XXXX, ciao!

Alex was floored. He said, “I can’t believe that just happened. I’ve never had a girl talk like that…I didn’t even think it was possible.”

I replied, “The girl saw your profile, your pictures, and what you do for a living. That didn’t stop her from becoming attracted to you, did it?

And you know what? You don’t need to be an asshole, either. I never put her down, I wanted to get to know her better, and I respected her boundaries. But, I was forward, playful, and honest the entire time. The sexual dynamic only further strengthened our emotional connection.”

Don’t think this conversation is limited to online interactions, either. If you want romance with women, you should be flirting in person, through text messages, and on dates.

Be a lover first and a friend second.

I’ve helped dozens of men meet beautiful women through online dating. I’d love to do the same for you. Let’s talk for a free strategy session.

  1. Jack Peterson on September 20, 2013

    Nick this is excellent stuff no doubt. You certainly did your research before you chatted with her and she clearly appreciated that. I love how you establish your attraction in the beginning, are sexual at the MOMENT each opportunity arises, and also tone it down for small talk to get to know her, keeping it interesting and flirty throughout.

    The conversation is very “in the flow” and you are just saying what is uniquely on your mind and sharing that with her, rather than trying to get something from or impress her. You’re displaying to her exactly what she wants: your true, uninhibited, genuine self.

    • Nick Notas on September 20, 2013

      That’s exactly it Jack. You have fun, relate to her like a normal human being, but aren’t afraid to express your intentions. The combination of a sexual connection with a real emotional connection is what women want in a partner.

      Thanks for the comment!

  2. rick on September 20, 2013

    It’s great to see the master in action! It’s tough because they aren’t specific lines that the rest of us can copy and paste, but knowing your thought process really helps.

    • Nick Notas on September 20, 2013

      Anyone can become a “master”, it just takes some experience.

      Concepts like being playful and sexually forward are so much more important than specific lines. You want to connect with women using your personality. I’ve seen too many guys become obsessed with remembering lines and years later they still can’t have an authentic conversation.

      Glad you liked the article 🙂

      • Jaime on September 20, 2013

        Still, it feels like when you stand up to go to the bathroom while you’re watching the gymnastics part in the olympics, and you trip on your own feet, you wish you were all agile and could do all that stuff but in reality you are more like that “getting gymnasty” video

        • Nick Notas on September 20, 2013

          I’m not saying examples are useless. I have tons of specific lines throughout many articles (some I linked in the post).

          The point is that the lines are good for reference but you should aim to learn why they work. Once you understand the concepts, you can come up with your own based on your personality. It’s much more effective and rewarding to have a woman like you for you.

          And if you think you can’t do it, you haven’t tried hard enough. Every guy I’ve met who’s put effort into becoming more confident, social, and attractive has seen major improvements.

          • dragon on November 6, 2013

            great

  3. dan on September 20, 2013

    Nick, this is definitely one of the biggest things that I started adopting a year ago. I now have a great gf that I met on OKcupid that I started talking to in a similar manner. I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was with women last year. It took some time, but I finally have a grasp on how to flirt and it started with what you did here, the playful sexually charged banter, etc. Making your intentions known is one of the biggest changes you can make.

    • Nick Notas on September 20, 2013

      Hey Dan,

      Congrats on the lady and the self-improvement! Like you said, just take it step-by-step and focus on being honest with what you want. Things will start to click and before you know it, it’ll become second nature.

  4. Jim on September 22, 2013

    On a general level, a fair example of how to sexually escalate a conversation.

    But on a specific level… whoa, I’m hoping she’s prettier than her intellect displays. Ice Age 3, “is there male volleyball?”… I’m sorry, but this sounds like a pump & dump scenario. I personally would have a tough time building connecting with someone that sounds so childish.

    • Nick Notas on October 2, 2013

      You’re assuming a ton based on a few sentences. You’ve never watched a Pixar or other 3D animated film? They’re meant to be a good laugh and casual fun. That doesn’t make someone childish.

      As for the volleyball, I can’t tell if she was serious or sarcastic. Either way it’s an unpopular sport compared to women’s. Not many people have even seen it on TV.

      • Jim on October 3, 2013

        Fair points mate. I would agree that having interests in animated movies is not an issue – I personally love The Incredibles – and the popularity of male volleyball could be debated on, but nevertheless evaluating the conversation as a whole, the impression I got from it is my own and my experiences.

        Clearly there are factors missing from this particular case to make a true assessment. For now, that is my first impression.

  5. Daniel on September 24, 2013

    Nick, you ever have a girl just completely shut you down and tell you that you’re coming on to strong sometimes? online messaging ,texting that is.

    • Nick Notas on October 2, 2013

      Yes, it’s happened before. But when it rarely occurs, you just tone it down or if you really overstepped boundaries, give a quick, sincere apology.

      Girls generally won’t fault you for being too forward before they’ve said anything, only if you disrespect her wishes after she’s told you otherwise.

      Also, it almost never kills the connection while the opposite (being too timid) does much more often.

    • Goundy on March 19, 2014

      The people I know who are freakily good with women are what society deems as ‘sleezebags’. They always come on ‘too strong’ but as much as mainstream society condems this kind of guy, this type of person kills it with women because they ‘polarizing’ and not boring.
      It’s SO easy to get a girl to a girl you talk to be like “oh he’s nice”. To get this response all you have to do is be polite and avoid stepping on anyones toes.
      That you don’t want this kind of response.
      It’s important to be polorzing because you want girls to be either like, “I don’t like this guy” or “holy sh**, I wana f*** him.” A guy who isn’t polarizing is always going to have lots of girls thinking he’s nice but never a girl who is ACTUALLY super into him.

  6. Clairvoyant on September 27, 2013

    Nick Your content is very interesting thanks

  7. Jon on September 29, 2013

    Stuff like this is why I wanted to work with you, Nick. Awesome stuff and I hope more people read it to debunk their original beliefs that guys need to be assholes to get the girls.

    • Nick Notas on October 2, 2013

      Thanks Jon. And I’m very happy we’re working together, too 🙂

  8. Taimur on October 18, 2013

    Man, this is gold! My issue is that I suck at flirting. How do I flirt? What is flirting anyway? I can now go up to girls and I have great talks with them but I talk to them like I do with my guy friends and it just has some joking and teasing in there but nothing subtly sexual. It is so annoying but it makes me a friend and at this rate, I will only get a girl if she is already very attracted to me (girls seem to be more attracted in how fun a guy is instead of his dressing or looks).

    Any help?

    • Goundy on March 19, 2014

      Displaying your sexual intent is something that comes naturally when you eliminate all your thought processess.
      Easier said than done I know.
      But meeting and attracting women doesn’t just come down tosome specific outer processes like touch her here or say this line but esoteric things that are relate to the changing of your sense of self to a more naturally calm, relaxed, confident, sexual man.
      My personal method for getting into this state was getting into meditation. Before meditation, it was very difficult for me to be sexual with women, flirt and I was a natural introvert around them. But after getting better at meditation, I relaxed so much that I started to become naturally confident around them. The first thing you notice is how your eyes change. It becomes more sexual and you maintain better eye contact with people due to your chillness.
      When your someone who can just look a girl dead in the eye without flinching or being uncomfortable, it just makes them super attracted. It builds up the tension with her which can be a bit uncomfortable for her but it’s also very sexual.
      Anyway, if you want to become more relaxed, calm, sexual and flirty, get into meditation.

  9. dragon on November 6, 2013

    Thanks a lot, your content helps me out , that is exactly what i am in short of

  10. Tinger Woods on November 19, 2013

    hey nick!
    you’re really good. you talked in different ways to keep her entertained and looks like she enjoyed talking to you. what i really like about it is that she gave you her number. 🙂

  11. Manu on November 20, 2013

    Do you have any recommendation how to start the conversation when you get very little information from her profile?

    • Goundy on March 19, 2014

      I used to do allot of online dating and I’ll tell you, you have more luck on the street or in the club because multiple factors are outside of your control in online dating. The only factor you have control over is vollume.
      If you get no information from her profile and you can’t write anything unique, stick to your guns and do the only thing you can do – spam a generic message.
      “hey your cute”
      “do you like putting ice in your milk?”

      With girls who have very little info, spend very little mental investment with them. There’s no witty line you can say and chances are if there is little detail, it’s most likely she has no intention of dating anyone but is just using the site as a means to get validation from guys. You can tell this because she’ll have a few hot photos of her self then in the decription, you only see “message me ;)”
      Don’t waste time with them, just shoot her a generic msg and go onto the next one.

      Like I said though, the key to the dating world (especially the online dating world) is utilizing vollume.

  12. Albert on August 25, 2014

    On my best scenario I can get close to a conversation like this (not as good as the master, but enough to get her interest), but I need to focus on it and in the long run, when I already got her, I relax my brain my conversations get plain.

    What about you Nick? Do you also have to “concentrate” or “focus” to get a conversation like this, or you got to a point where it comes just naturally?

    Great blog btw!