How to Think Twice and Avoid Fights

May 25th, 2011 by Nick Notas 4 Comments

I’m proud of how much I’ve grown in my relationships over the last few years.  I don’t let the small things that cause big fights get to me as often anymore. Yesterday, I wanted to find out where this change stemmed from and I found it in one simple concept…

Does it even matter? Ask yourself if you’ll still be upset or care about this issue in a year. How about in a month? A week? A day? Once you accept that you won’t care or even remember why you’re angry, things seem so trivial. You realize how much energy you expend on things soon forgotten and see they’re not worth the negative feelings.

When you cut out the useless quarrels in a relationship, you have more time to strengthen your bond with your partner. Rather than arguing over who was supposed to do the dishes, why not do them together and spend the night enjoying each other? Why not compromise and calmly work things out? You can do them tonight and she’ll do them tomorrow.

The arguments we have on insignificant topics are often damaging to our relationships. We get angry, hurt, resentful, and feel distant from each other. If things get bad enough, they can even tear us apart. It was a powerful experience when I realized that I was sabotaging my own relationships and causing them unnecessary harm.

I get it, you’re eventually going to disagree and fight about something — it’s impossible not to. I still have my disagreements from time to time except now I choose my battles wisely. I focus on points that actually mean something and that need to be addressed in the relationship. It’s helped me be more rational, open-minded, and makes for productive changes instead of destructive ones.

Let the small things roll off your back — trust me, they’re not worth it. Next time you feel yourself getting flustered, think about if it’ll matter in a few days. Most of the time, that answer is no.

 

  1. Laura on May 25, 2011

    Excellent advice, as always.

    I found that I matured a lot too (over the course of 7 years of bad relationships…). Fortunately, I found myself a man with a very long fuse who is excellent at communication, and that sure helps to avoid arguments.

    Thanks to his patience, I’ve actually discovered that the problem behind most of the arguments and struggles I’d had with others was… wait for it… ME!

    Every small argument fed back to some larger insecurity I had that I was projecting onto him. So not fair to him! Now I see that my troubles are my own, and taking time to work on myself has made a huge difference in having a smoother path in my relationship.

    I’d suggest that couples who find themselves blowing up over small issues take some time to think about what they’re bringing to the situation. For example, is it really about his not picking up his socks, or is it really about your fear that he doesn’t value or respect you? If that is a legitimate concern, then THAT is the issue to address.

    Great self-reflection, Nick!

    • Nick on May 26, 2011

      Hey Laura,

      Couldn’t have said it better myself. It was tough to accept that my issues were causing many of the fights in my relationship. To admit our own insecurities requires a lot of courage.

      Isn’t it nice to be with someone who communicates well and is rational? Helps the other person open up easier and be more level-headed, too. The amount of difference it makes in resolving issues and creating positive changes is huge.

      It makes me happy to hear that you’re happy, giving me a big smile this morning. What a perfect way to start the day 🙂

      And thank you, as always!

  2. Taz @ Climb the Rainbow on May 25, 2011

    I’m with you Laura! I never used to think that anything wrong in my relationships could possibly be my fault. I’d get irritated at really small things that in hindsight, didn’t matter in the slightest. Like you, I’ve since meet a wonderful man with a long fuse who has helped me realise that some things just aren’t worth getting upset over.

    Now I try to be more mindful of the things that aren’t worth worrying about, and spend my time focusing on the things that are.

    • Nick on May 26, 2011

      Hey Taz,

      Glad to see you’ve grown as well and things are working out great for you. It’s inspiring to hear both you and Laura talking about your partners being the ones who helped you see that light. I attribute a lot of my maturing to my girlfriend and her own patience with me.

      Doesn’t it feel so liberating to not stress over silly things?