How to Stop Being Devastated By Rejection

December 9th, 2015 by Nick Notas 10 Comments

The weight of rejection

I’ve written a lot about rejection.

I’ve told you how to reject someone in a healthy manner. I’ve talked about strategies for coping with rejection in the moment. I’ve even shared my own stories of rejection and the insight I gained from them.

One thing I’ve always advised is not to take rejection personally. But, I haven’t written a guide explaining how to do that — until now.

This is so important because I believe the act of taking rejection to heart is what stops so many men from getting what they want in romance. It makes you care too much about every single rejection. You let each one bruise your ego and you want to just give up.

And because you’re frustrated, a lot of guys think the solution is to become a cold, callous asshole. If you distance yourself from the women you meet and treat them poorly — you believe you’ll become immune to rejection.

But that won’t work for long. Hiding your insecurities by being a dick just leads to unhealthy connections.

Being okay with rejection is not as simple as ignoring your feelings. You have to start changing your mindset and behaviors which will then change how you perceive rejection.

I’m here to show you how you can stop letting rejection devastate you while still being human.

Raise your self-esteem

There’s a sliding scale…

The more you love who you are, the less fucks you give about how other people perceive you. That is the essence of self-esteem — you validate your own worth as a person. Because if you truly respect who you are, external circumstances or judgement won’t determine how you view yourself.

This isn’t an overnight switch but an ongoing process you must continually work on.

  • Invest in building your best self. You have to want the best for yourself…for yourself.

    Commit to eating healthier and getting in shape. Develop a sense of fashion and figure out what looks good on you. Pick up a new hobby or skill you’ve been putting off. Work on your body language, voice, and eye contact. Expand your social circle and make great friends. Become a linchpin at your work and get compensated for it.

    The more you accomplish for yourself, the more fulfilled you will feel. You will prove to yourself that you are competent, capable, and begin to…

  • Discover who you really are. You have to get in touch with your core. That means knowing what you stand for and what you want.

    Create a list of topics and hobbies you’re passionate about. Write down details about yourself that you normally avoid bringing up in conversations. Come up with a list of values you want for someone in your life.

    Then do the opposite: write down your absolute deal-breakers. List every time you haven’t taken action to get something you wanted. This could when approaching a new woman, inviting a girl out, or going for a kiss.

    Take those ideas and…

  • Practice being vulnerable. Start revealing who you are to people you’re interested in. Hell, to everyone.

    In conversations, lead into the topics you wrote about. Share your details and opinions on things you normally shy away from. Ask a girl questions that get her to reveal whether or not she has the qualities you’re looking for. Stand up to challenges rather than keeping quiet or feeling bad about yourself.

    You need to put the real you on the line, all the time. This builds a habit where you’re not focusing on how to impress someone and selling yourself. Instead, you’re evaluating other people to see if they’re what you want and can appreciate the real you. If they’re not, you’re able to understand that that’s a positive thing in the long run and can focus on finding someone who is.

I’m not saying rejection will never suck. It hurts, especially when it’s with someone you really wanted to connect with. But when you have high self-esteem, it’s not going to deter you from getting back out there. It’s not going to crush you and send you spiraling into darkness.

Because you know that you’re worthy and deserve being happy.

Think bigger, much bigger

If you have a limited amount of romantic prospects, you’re naturally going to obsess over those few prospects. And when you obsess over every woman you’re attracted to, you’re going to be devastated when one of them turns you down.

Trying to think of a dozen ways to win those girls back is almost never worth your time. Beating yourself up for everything you could have done differently isn’t going to fix the situation.

You need to expand your focus. Pull yourself out of that narrow mindset and work towards abundance in your life.

There is not a finite amount of available women out there. Your limitations are bullshit in your head. But only you can prove that to yourself. Even more so, you have to prove to yourself that many other women will like you.

That starts by creating more opportunities for yourself so you can let go of the people who rejected you. And those who will reject you in the future.

Pick an avenue where you might enjoy meeting women. Not a bar or club guy? Great, practice meeting women during your daily life. Frustrated with online dating? Go to some local events or sign up for a class. Spend all your time at the gym? Introduce yourself briefly between a set. There are no excuses.

Start seeing the bigger picture — viable women are everywhere and in endless numbers.

From there you need to….

Seek out rejection. Always. Like right now

Some people try to avoid rejection in every aspect of their lives. They seek perfection and success in every endeavor. But all they do is set themselves up to be unprepared for rejection.

Because once they encounter rejection, it shatters their reality. They’re so used to doing everything perfectly that a rejection means that something is wrong with them. It becomes a big, personal deal — even if it’s not.

You need to accept that rejection is inevitable. It is simply a natural part of life that we all face. The strongest individuals understand this and constantly seek out the possibility of rejection. That’s the only way to internalize that rejection is temporary and a source of power.

So go on a damn rejection spree.

Commit for the next week or month to try and get rejected as often as possible Make it a game — if you get rejected, that’s how you score points and win. Here are 15 ideas to get you started.

This one idea is so damn powerful yet few people ever do it. They let their pride get in the way of their growth when they could be accelerating the process.

If you welcome rejection rather than avoid rejection, you will be unphased by it in no time.

Stop shaming and blaming

Whenever we face rejection, our natural inclination is to start pointing fingers.

Sometimes, that’s towards the other person…“She’s just a bitch anyway.” “Whatever, it’s her loss and she doesn’t know what she’s missing out on.”

Sometimes, we shame ourselves. “I’m such a loser.” “How could I even think she would like me?”

But your attacks are misguided because usually…no one is at fault.
You could have done everything perfectly and still not have had that woman interested in you. On the other hand, you could have also followed the same path exactly and had another equally (or more) attractive woman like you.

We simply all have our own preferences and needs. No one is attractive to everyone. And we don’t choose who or what we’re attracted to. So that girl’s not a bitch for choosing someone else, either.

When you understand all that, you’ll start to accept that rejection is not always about YOU. And it is often out of your control.

Some girls like long-haired guys. Some girls like artists. Some girls like businessmen. Some girls like husky guys with tattoos. Some girls only date guys of certain ethnicities and races.

There are an infinite number of variations out there, and you can’t possibly change yourself to accommodate everyone’s taste.

But…what about when the rejection WAS your fault? Maybe you did something really stupid that blew your chances.

Remember — it’s only temporary. You are not being rejected by every attractive woman forever. You can feel guilty but not shameful about your actions. Guilt is saying, “I screwed up.” while shame is saying, “I’m screwed up.”

Because whatever mistakes you made, you can always learn from them and become a more attractive man for the future. That’s in your control.

When you stop searching for fault and start moving on, rejection loses its control over you.

  1. Eric on December 9, 2015

    Awesome article Nick. I'm not sure if you've heard of the book Rejection Proof by Jia Jang but I think you'd appreciate it. He talks about his experiences of going out for 100 days to get rejected and how it changed his life.

    • Nick Notas on December 9, 2015

      Thanks for the recommendation! I actually hadn’t heard of it until this week when a client of mine suggested it. Sounds like a great story and it’s definitely going on my reading list.

  2. Darren on December 9, 2015

    I only realized it recently…but I’m kind of a perfectionist. And I’m figuring out that it’s not a good thing. People joke about it being an asset but for me, it does hold me back. When you want to be perfect all the time you try to avoid situations where you know you’re not going to be perfect. And any “rejection” taints your perfect reputation. This article hit close to home.

    • Nick Notas on December 10, 2015

      Yeah, trying to be perfect never works because we are inherently imperfect. Instead, you just need to strive to always give it your best.

      I would check out Brene Brown’s book Gifts of Imperfection — amazing advice on dealing with trying to be perfect.

  3. Ashley on December 9, 2015

    Great article! Women can take much of this advice too.

  4. Xavier joselin on December 9, 2015

    Hey I don’t worry about rejection but I’m not getting results with women. I do everything right and show my intentions. I approach a lot. Is this because I’m black and that I’m in a white school or am I chasing the wrong women. Should I wait because I’m in high school.

    • Nick Notas on December 10, 2015

      I doubt it’s because you’re black in a white school. Yes, some women may not want to connect with you because of it. But I’m confident there will be girls who won’t care about your skin color and find you attractive.

      You also don’t have to wait until after high school unless you want to. Plenty of people date at that age.

      Unfortunately, it’s tough to see what’s holding you back just from this comment. I suggest posting some more details on the forum to see if we can flesh out the situation and give more accurate advice on what to do.

  5. Stev on December 10, 2015

    Great point about self esteem. I’d advice anyone who likes coming to this blog to read The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden; it’s a great book on developing “inner game” and self respect.

  6. Andrew on December 17, 2015

    and it’s natural for any man to have more rejection than success when success with women right? the guys who are the best with women get rejected the most?