How to Read Her Body Language and Flirt Smarter

August 12th, 2013 by Nick Notas 15 Comments

Vintage Romance

Body language is the strongest indicator to calibrate flirting. It’s hardwired into our biology and always reveals how we feel.

If you can read a woman’s non-verbal cues, you can escalate an interaction smoothly and seamlessly.

You don’t need permission to begin flirting

The first question men ask me about flirting is…

“When should I start?”

Right now!

Stop believing you need some obvious sign of approval or else you’ll miss out on many opportunities. Most women know if they’re attracted to you within five minutes. Yet the majority won’t start flirting until you do. They’ll wait for you to take the lead.

That’s why it’s best to assume that if she’s talking to you, she’s open to the idea of flirting with you. Flirting will help you gauge her reactions and determine whether or not she’s interested, sooner rather than later.

If you’re waiting to take action because you’re afraid of rejection, there’s no point. You are delaying the inevitable (good or bad) and setting yourself up for more hurt.

Show your intentions (flirt) early on, see how she’s responding (body language cues), and then adjust (calibrate) based on that.

Flirt -> Read Body Language -> Calibrate

This basic framework applies to all types of flirting — whether it’s through physical contact, compliments, or teases

Read her body language

I want you to be aware of these body language cues but don’t seek them out. The last thing you want to do is give her a genuine compliment and then stare at her intensely to see how she reacts. Just be conscious of them.

At first, they may be difficult to recognize. But with a bit of experience, you’ll be picking up on them with ease.

Proximity and Positioning

We gravitate towards people we feel comfortable with and are attracted to.

  • She stays or moves closer when you move closer to her. Good
  • She moves further away when you move closer to her. Bad
  • She displays open body language to you – example: she turns and faces towards you with arms uncrossed. Good
  • She displays closed body language to you – example: she turns and faces away from you and crosses her arms. Bad
  • She leans into you while talking or listening. Good
  • She moves or allows you to move into each other’s personal/intimate zones. This often indicates she is ready to be kissed. Good

Eye Contact

Regular eye contact demonstrates attention and engagement.

  • She makes eye contact and smiles from afar. Good
  • She looks down or away nervously when you hold eye contact with her from afar (while smiling). Good
  • She makes repeated eye contact and smiles from afar. This is a definite “approach me” signal. Good
  • She holds consistent eye contact when talking to you. Good
  • She breaks eye contact often, distractedly looks around, or makes little eye contact. Bad

Smiling and Laughter

Smiles and laughing are natural indicators of interest and approval. Unless of course…they’re laughing at you.

  • She smiles often while talking to you. Good
  • She rarely or never smiles while talking to you. Bad
  • She has an upset, angry, or cold expression. Bad
  • She laughs when you say something funny or tease her. Good
  • She laughs even when you say something not that funny. Good

Physical Cues

When a woman is attracted to a man, there are common physical cues she will display. They can be conscious or unconscious. These are positive signs unless she isn’t making any eye contact or seems distracted by them.

  • She gently twirls or strokes her fingers through her hair. Good
  • She pushes her hair back to expose her neck. Good
  • She plays with her jewelry such as twisting her ring or touching her necklace. Good
  • She rubs her fingers along objects such as the stem or rim of a glass. Good
  • She runs her hands over erogenous zones such as neck, collarbone, wrist, or thighs. Good
  • She incessantly taps her fingers or often checks her phone. This can be a sign of nervousness but is generally disinterest. Bad

Excitement

Passion and excitement display happiness and even arousal.

  • She sits up and becomes more attentive. Good
  • She speaks with passion. Her volume and speed of conversation increases. The exception is if she’s angry or flipping out on you. Otherwise… Good 
  • Her facial expressions are animated when speaking — raised eyebrows and wide eyes. Good
  • She uses hand gestures to express points or convey a story. Good
  • She responds with one word or short answers. Bad

Physical Contact

Arguably the strongest way to connect with others and show intention. We touch those closest to us. Studies show that physical contact establishes trust, affection, and attraction.

  • She smiles, keeps talking, and her body looks relaxed when you touch her. Good
  • She frowns or looks pissed off when you touch her. Bad
  • She touches you back when you touch her. Good
  • She pulls away or pushes you off when you touch her. Bad
  • She touches you on her own (light brush, playful shove, leg against yours) Good
  • She lets you keep your hand or leg on her. Good

Mirroring

Mirroring is an unconscious response where we mimic the actions of those we like. However, a lack of mirroring does not indicate a lack of attraction.

  • You take a sip from your drink and she immediately follows. Good
  • You lean back again the bar or wall and she does the same. Good
  • You turn your body towards her and she faces you. Good

Calibrate to her responses

As you’re flirting, see how she reacts  — “good” or “bad”. This will determine how to proceed. Typically, she’ll show multiple signs at once (laughing, sitting close, facing you, strong eye contact) that you can pick up on.

Keep it simple.

If you receive good responses, keep flirting with her. Continue showing your intentions mixed in with normal conversation.

You should progressively show more intention (escalate). As time goes on your questions become more personal and sexual, statements become more forward and bold, and touches more intimate.

If you receive bad responses, temporarily ease up on the flirting – such as teasing, touching, and sexual innuendos.

Many times when a woman responds negatively to an advance, she’s not telling you off permanently. She may be shy, caught off-guard, or not comfortable with you yet. Building rapport and strengthening the connection will show your consideration of her feelings and comfort level.

After a few minutes, you can initiate flirting again. If she still responds negatively, you may be better off walking away. My rule of thumb is if you get 2-3 consecutive bad responses, she’s probably not interested. And if she sternly tells you at any moment to stop touching her, I advise you to listen.

Calibrating your romantic advances takes practice and time to learn. You’re dealing with unique individuals in unique situations. But while nothing is absolute, these guidelines are a tried and true foundation.

If you aren’t listening to her body, you’re not actually listening.

Want my personal 1-on-1 help to implement what you’ve just learned? I work with guys just like you to magnetically attract women, increase their confidence, and become the man girls really want.

Click here to learn more about what I can do for you.

  1. Bill on August 12, 2013

    Nick, I really appreciate the comprehensive list. For a guy with Asperger’s it helps to get specifics.

    I was super nervous about a first date this week but now I feel like I have a game plan. I’ll update you on what happens!

    • Nick Notas on August 12, 2013

      You’re welcome. I know that reading body language can be extremely tough for people with Asperger’s. Happy to hear you feel more secure about your upcoming date now. Best of luck 🙂

  2. Jamie on August 12, 2013

    This a great list. Reading those reactions gives me some much needed motivation, I want to see a girl act like that around me haha

    • Nick Notas on August 12, 2013

      Glad they helped out Jamie. Don’t just wait for a girl to act like that around you, make it happen!

  3. Melissa on August 12, 2013

    Haha don’t reveal all our secrets!

    Can you do one for women in the future?

    • Nick Notas on August 12, 2013

      I definitely want to write more for women, just have to find the time.

      There would be a lot of overlap but there are some differences. I don’t think most guys are twirling their hair haha.

  4. Sir Diesil on August 12, 2013

    Excellent post! I was just thinking about this topic the other day. The framework you provided was exactly what I needed to share with some friends who needed help understanding and upgrading their game.

    Thanks again Nick!

    • Nick Notas on August 14, 2013

      You’re very welcome, hope your friends find it helpful.

  5. Brad on August 16, 2013

    Wow this is great advice. Love reading this and it gives great insight into what to look for when talking to a girl.

  6. Taimur on August 30, 2013

    Good article.

    I have noticed when I talk to girls who seem interested in me that they do check most of the “good” boxes but with eye-contact, they don’t hold it but after 3-4 seconds they hold it but only hold it for 3-4 seconds. Is it a sign of disinterest? Otherwise, they seem to enjoy my company.

    I used to be horrible at flirting, now I am better thanks to your blog but still a bit shaky.

  7. drpritish555 on April 21, 2014

    Good

  8. Maureen on October 27, 2014

    This is good..so precise n straight to the point.

  9. Jon Tranchino on February 20, 2015

    I finally introduced myself to this girl I like in the gym I see all the time. We locked eyes for about 4 seconds at one point a while ago and thought maybe she was interested too from that. After going up to her she smiled a lot and laughed at something I said. Is this a good sign she is interested and my second question is by me going up to her finally does she know that is interest from me?

  10. widdy attyy on May 9, 2015

    what if she holds eye contact for a while and then brakes it with a pritty smile is this a good sign or bad???

    • Jim Mercer on September 15, 2015

      That’s a perfectly normal akward-staring-competition throwoff, everyone does that 🙂
      unless she’s a massive psychopath, you can never know…