How to Be Great With Women Even If It Doesn’t Come Naturally

June 9th, 2016 by Nick Notas 8 Comments

It’s hard to keep a positive attitude in dating when you’re not getting the results you want.  It’s even harder not to blame yourself for your lack of success and feel helpless to change it.

You probably believe that since you weren’t born with certain genes or because you don’t look a certain way — you’ll never be one of “those guys” who’s awesome with women.

If all that were true, however, I wouldn’t have a successful business coaching men for almost 10 years. I’ve helped men of all appearances and personalities become confident, charismatic, and attract the women they desire.

Yes, some men had an early advantage because they were brought up in a way that facilitated the development of excellent self-esteem and social skills. That’s why some guys seem to effortlessly create sparks with women. But if you weren’t fortunate enough to be taught this from a young age, you can still cultivate those same skills and habits as an adult.

In fact, the men who make a conscious effort to improve themselves often develop better skills than so-called “naturals”. Men who actively learn how to date usually get higher quality women, have more choices, and create healthier relationships through self-analysis and personal growth.

Naturals learn how to act through experience and don’t necessarily know why certain things work for them or how to continue to improve.

Go ask a friend who you think just “gets it” about what their secret is with women. You’ll usually get responses like, “You’ve just got to be yourself.” or “I don’t know, I just talk to them and it works out.” They don’t exactly understand their success and therefore have a hard time building upon it.

On the other hand, men who decide to improve themselves start from a clean slate and fresh perspective. They’ve seen what doesn’t work which makes it easier to see what does. And they’ve endured the worst of it, which makes them stronger to handle hurdles in the future.

To see your potential, you need accept that you’re not permanently screwed up and that you can change. You just have to understand how your upbringing affected you and then practice new behaviors to overcome it.

A lack of a strong male authority figure

Some of you had fathers who were always distant — emotionally and/or physically. Maybe they were never home from working too much. Or they were always out drinking or cheating on your mother. Or maybe they just never opened up and showed you warmth or affection.

Some of don’t know your fathers at all. They abandoned the family from before you could remember and you never had a chance to have a real relationship with a dad.

How it may have affected you

Usually one of two things happens:

  • You don’t have that role model to show you how to be more masculine. You miss out on some of the key points in being more assertive, direct, and a leader.
  • You have a hard time being vulnerable or letting people get too close.

In turn, you get women who don’t see you as a top priority, people who don’t respect you fully, and aloof relationships.

How to change things

Find a strong male as a mentor to model yourself after. Aim to understand your wants, needs, and accept the value in wise selfishness. Then take those ideas and practice being assertive to get them. Learn to lead without being controlling.

If you have a hard time letting people get close, share personal stories when you’re on a date. Write down 5-10 hobbies or passions and bring them up in conversations with new people. Don’t just stick to small talk — share deeper details about yourself. Get comfortable expressing your true opinions.

Religion or a mother who told you to treat women like a gentleman

Many religions preach sexuality as something to avoid. Don’t masturbate. Don’t be a pervert and watch porn. Don’t have premarital sex. Don’t treat women with anything but a smile and a good friendship until you’re somehow in a marriage.

Some of you had a mother who tried to raise you to be a kind man. Especially if they were a single mother or in a poor relationship, they may have projected their views on you about how to “treat a woman”. Unfortunately, that meant that being anything else than a platonic friend was wrong or somehow disrespectful.

Your mother may have even smothered you and used you for emotional support from the “bad men” in her life. Maybe she bad-mouthed your father or told you how men are such pigs. Because you loved your mom, you did everything in your power to not become one of those assholes.

How it may have affected you

These ideas made you think that showing your sexual interest in a woman was shameful. You embraced the belief that a classy man would never do anything like that. You feel flirting with women is “wrong”. So in turn, you always acted like a wonderful friend and nothing more to the women you like.

Because of that, you don’t cultivate the sexual connections you desire. You end up being friend-zoned by every girl you know. You’re constantly frustrated when you waste months or years on women only to see them hook up with guys they barely know. You may even start to eventually believe that women are cold and heartless because they always choose “bad” boys.

How to change things

You need to see that women enjoy being flirted with from a guy they like. And part of getting them to like you is flirting with them. It’s hard for your mind to hold onto the belief that flirting is shameful when you have a woman giving you positive feedback.

Most guys who feel this way have a hard time holding eye contact with an attractive woman. They’re uncomfortable communicating their intent that way. I would start by focusing on getting comfortable with that and seeing how many women smile back.

You can then practice giving compliments to strangers or on dates. You can make them more bold and intentional by saying how you find a certain quality attractive, cute, or sexy. And then you’ll see how plenty of women find it flattering.

Work on asking a sexual question or two after spending a couple hours with a girl. See if you can get into more intimate conversations and get her to open up. When she’s excited to talk about that side of herself, it will reinforce what you’re doing is healthy.

You can also practice all these verbal flirting ideas on Tinder, OKCupid, and even chatroom sites to start. This way you can work your way up to getting more comfortable doing it in-person.

Use this guide as a reference to other ways you can practice crushing your sexual anxiety.

No affection between your parents

I’ve talked to countless men who say they rarely saw their mother and father kiss…or even hug. I notice this most in more conservative and Asian/Indian homes.

You grew up not only seeing a lack of affection, but viewing relationships through a cold, serious dynamic. There wasn’t much of a playful attitude or lightheartedness.

How it may have affected you

You aren’t comfortable with casual physical touching or going for a kiss on a date. Not only because you’re nervous to show that interest, but also because being touched may feel weird to you.

You have a hard time letting loose and being more silly with women you talk to. You stifle your natural sense of humor that you have with your best friends.

How to change things

The only way to get used to touching is to start touching and start being touched!

Begin with a simple hug when you meet up with someone or while saying goodbye. Work up to light touches such as a high-five or a quick hand on the shoulder.

You can even attend more physical-based activities like salsa, swing dancing, or martial arts.  Also, cuddle parties exist.

Once you’re comfortable there — start moving into more intimate touches such as on the back, legs, or hands while on a date. If you’re getting a good response, try going for a kiss. Use these guides here to know when to touch, how to touch, and how to read her body language to calibrate appropriately.

To develop a sense of humor, think about how you act around people you trust most. How do you make yourself laugh? Is it with dry wit, sarcasm, exaggeration, innuendos, or deadpan deliveries? Make it your only goal to amuse yourself when talking to women online or in-person. When you’re having a good time and laughing your ass off, most other people will be, too.

If you need help finding your style of humor, watch more stand-up or take an improv class. Both provide great reference points to understand different forms of comedy and what your strengths are.

A lack of encouragement to socialize or meet people from a young age

Your parents used to tell you to focus on your studies. They made you take music lessons. You weren’t allowed to play outside as much as the other kids or go to the sleepover parties your friends had. 

Maybe you had overprotective parents who told you to be wary of everyone and never talk to new people. They may have stifled your self-expression when you were talkative or energetic in public. They constantly told you to be quiet and stop acting out.

As you got into your teenage years, your parents told you not to focus on women. Again, you had to be a good student, work on your education, and build a career. They may have even had plans for you to be arranged with someone they knew.

How it may have affected you

By the time you hit adulthood, education and work was all that you knew. You were never exposed to talking to all sorts of people in different situations. And maybe you never went to parties or hung out in many social groups with women you were attracted to.

So now, you’re terrified at the prospect of approaching new people — especially women. You feel a ton of anxiety when having to meet strangers and have no idea what to say. You believe your introversion is the problem and that’s the way things are always going to be.

How to change things

You need to start talking to as many people as possible in all sorts of situations. Again, you don’t have to go cold approaching attractive women right away. Give yourself stepping stones.

If you don’t get out of your house at all, just choose somewhere to go to. That could be a walk downtown, an event, to shoot pool, or a bar to get yourself a drink. Be comfortable with talking to no one and make your objective just to stay in that social setting for a set amount of time.

You could go out and ask people for directions somewhere, get an opinion on something you’re shopping for, or even ask for a recommendation of which latte to get. You can make it easier by only asking those things to people working at their jobs since they have to be polite to you. Use different methods to work on your anxiety and make it easier on yourself.

Find events, hobbies, or classes that really seem interesting to you. Start by introducing yourself to men or women that don’t intimidate you. When you’re ready to talk to women you find attractive, you can give yourself a time limit before walking away or be the one to friend zone them first for practice. All this builds a thriving social circle.

When you’re ready to take the leap, start introducing yourself to women you like with the intention of getting their number and meeting up again.

The world told you that you were destined for failure

Not of all us had parents who were supportive and encouraging. You could have had a parent who took out their insecurities on you. They put you down, told you everything you did was wrong, and you never felt good enough in their eyes.

Or maybe you were consistently picked on by your peers. You might have had an embarrassing experience where a girl outright rejected you. Worse, maybe you had both of those things combined — a girl turned you down and everybody laughed at you about it.

How it may have affected you

All that criticism and rejection took a devastating blow on your self-esteem. It made you believe you were doomed to be a loser or a failure. Moreover, you’d always be helpless to change that.

Instead of trying to get what you want in life or improve yourself, you just gave up. Why wouldn’t you? You think there’s no way you can change your situation.

How to change things

Work on raising your self-esteem and overcoming your insecurities. That all starts by respecting yourself. Practice showing yourself gratitude and defeating your inner critic. Pursue experiences and connections which make you happy and reinforce your self-worth.

If getting rejected by women especially scares you, try other forms of rejection therapy to start. As you face those rejections, learn how to deal with them in a healthy way. Consciously filter those experiences through guilt, not shame.

By putting yourself on the line, you’ll realize that failure is a temporary hurdle for growth and not a permanent reflection of yourself. You’ll start to get more comfortable with who you are. And with the combination of taking more vulnerable actions + valuing yourself, you’ll see the results you’re looking for. You will prove to yourself that you have the power to make drastic improvements in your life.

  1. Al on June 9, 2016

    Insightful post per usual Nick. I used to have no clue how to handle myself with women and now I’m the person my friends come to for help. A big part of that has been learning from your site.

    Did you have to use such a dorky guy for the picture though?

    • Nick Notas on June 9, 2016

      Thanks Al and I appreciate you letting me know I’ve helped. That’s why I do all this.

      Haha, I was in a cheesy mood this morning — I love it.

  2. Dave on June 9, 2016

    Great advise. You know your shit

    • Nick Notas on June 9, 2016

      Thanks Dave, it took a lot of years and experience to know my shit. And I’m still always learning.

  3. The Quintessential Man on June 9, 2016

    “A lack of a strong male authority figure.”

    This. Learning by example is the most powerful way for a man to understand the power of masculinity and attraction and eventually emulate what he learns.

  4. Oliver on June 9, 2016

    Hi Nick,
    Great article that lets you see the problem and gives you steps to fix it. However I seem to have problems in my dating life that most coaches dont talk often about. They always preach to be assertive, dominant and to be polarizing and dont hide what you say. Yet my friends tell me i am too dominant, too assertive and often ruin my chances by being too direct and maybe even making too much fun of her. An article that tackles these problems will be of much help.
    You’re awesome!

  5. Michael on June 9, 2016

    Awesome advice,Nick as always.

    A lot of this stuff applied to me, especially not having a father figure in my life. I struggled not just with women and relationships, but my social life, work, pretty much everything. Then I said stuff this…no more! I took the necessary steps and was prepared to feel pain in order to live the life I deserve. I am now in a place where I’m the selector not the selected. Of course, I’m still working on myself and I still have times where I don’t meet any women etc. but that’s ok now because I’ve created a life and lifestyle I love and it’s getting better every day – high quality women approaching me every now and then is one of the consequences of investing in yourself.

    Thanks for sharing.


  6. Andrew on September 1, 2016

    i’ve felt this way for years now but i feel that a guys parental upbringing, childhood socializing, has a bigger impact on his dating life/sex life more than the other way around