Do Women See You as a Leader?

February 25th, 2014 by Nick Notas 13 Comments

Marlon Brando Guys and Dolls

Can anyone deny that leadership is one of the most attractive qualities? Strong individuals have the power to charm and influence millions.

Wael Ghoniman started an Egyptian revolution, Steve Jobs created a cult of technology (which I’m happily part of), and even Stanley Milgram convinced people to electrocute test subjects to death.

It’s human nature to respect and respond to authority.

Thankfully, in dating we don’t have to go to those extremes. We just need to understand what makes a great leader and apply that to turn a girl we like into a girl we’re intimate with.

Know what you want and be unashamed about getting it

Every successful leader knows their position and will fight for it at all costs. They express their intentions proudly.

If you’re spending time with a woman you like, what are your intentions? Do you want to just be her platonic friend?

No, you want MORE. You want to be a romantic partner. You want intimacy. You want incredible sex and you want to give her incredible sex.

So if that’s what you want, how are you going to lead it there by being a friend? How are you going to turn her on to the idea if you’re hiding your intentions? How can you expect to excite her about romance with you when you’re terrified about it?

Could you imagine if Obama took the stage during his presidential run and stammered out:

“I…I…think we need change.”

What would the response be? Do you think the crowd would be roaring like it was? Would he have attracted as many people to his cause? Not a chance.

But he came out and passionately exclaimed:

“WE NEED CHANGE!”

Now whether you agree with his politics is a different story. But there’s no denying that being so fired up motivated millions of people.

They believed in Obama because he believed in what he was saying (or at least looked like it). He was decisive and showed confidence in what he wanted. And you could argue it was the defining factor in helping him become president.

Nobody wants a timid, uncertain leader and the same goes for the women you date. 

Being assertive is not wrong, it’s right

Whenever I’m speaking to a guy about leading, they reply with something like,

“I don’t want to come off like a douchebag. I’m not a controlling guy. I don’t want her to think I just want sex. She’s not into that.”

They feel shameful about it. They believe it’s wrong. Well let me tell you something…

You’re a much bigger asshole if aren’t leading with your intentions.

You’re lying about what you want out of your connection. You’re giving her the wrong expectations. And if she wants the same thing with you, you’re only frustrating her.

Don’t believe it?

I’ve had hundreds of men tell me, “I’m friends with this girl but I’m afraid to do anything because I don’t want to screw up the friendship.”

I often follow up with…

“Okay so you’ve spent all this time and energy on this girl. Let’s say hypothetically she told you tomorrow that she has zero romantic interest in you and will forever only see you as a friend.

Would you continue to invest this much in her? Would you still talk and hang out with her all the time?”

As sad as it is to say, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve heard, “Yes, I would.”

That disgusts me. Right there you’re admitting that you were never actually her friend. You had ulterior motives the entire time. How fucked up is that?

Being upfront with women is the most honest thing you can do. Every woman I interact with in my life knows where she stands.

If she’s a friend, I’m going to be her real friend and treat her as such. I’m not secretly trying to get into her pants.

If she’s someone I’m attracted to, I’m going to convey that from the very start. My actions and words say, “I’m interested in you as a human being but ALSO as a sexual partner.”

You know what happens?

It removes ANY uncertainty and pushes things forward. There’s no ambiguity anymore — she knows exactly how I feel about her. And she knows that if we’re hanging out, it’s going to move towards romance.

She now has to make a conscious decision to…

A) Accept this and return the interest back.

or

B) Let me know she’s not interested in that way.

No more playing games back and forth trying to get her out to see me. No more questioning if she likes me. No more wasted time for either party.

When you’re honest with your intentions, there is so much less stress and headache. You either move forward or move on. Women appreciate it and you will, too.

Why do we find leadership so attractive?

As discussed earlier, when you lead with your intentions you are conveying:

“I’m interested in you as a romantic partner.”

But how does that attract a woman?

  1. Showing your interest feeds into our psychology of wanting to be liked. Everyone wants to be thought of as attractive, engaging, and desirable. It’s arousing and makes us feel sexy.

    This is the main idea behind the fastest-selling book in history, 50 Shades of Grey as well as most romance novels. Christian Grey is so enamored by Anastasia that he can barely contain himself. His passion for her makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

  2. Most of us are fighting with sexual shame from culture, religion, parents, friends, and more. This is especially true for women who have dealt with “slut-shaming”. They’re worried about being seen as “easy” or a “slut” and thus fight off their natural urges.

    Because of that, the majority of women are never going to flirt first. They often won’t even get into a sexual headspace or potentially consider you a sexual partner until you take it there.

    But if you can show a woman that you are comfortable with your sexuality, enjoy flirting with her, and are non-judgmental — it becomes a positive experience for her. It’s fun and she’s excited to indulge in those feelings.

    She begins to see you as someone she could be romantic with.

  3. Investment. Whenever we spend energy and time on something, we become emotionally attached. There’s a psychology principle behind this called “commitment and consistency”. In his book Influence, Robert Cialdini states:

    “If people commit, orally or in writing, to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment because of establishing that idea or goal as being congruent with their self-image. Even if the original incentive or motivation is removed after they have already agreed, they will continue to honor the agreement.”

    Since you’re leading with your intentions, a woman has to decide if she’s open to them. Every time she chooses to follow your lead, she’s not only investing in you, but in the idea of romance with you. She’s committing to it and allowing things to progress forward.

    There is a caveat though. If you take the lead with a grand gesture too soon, she may not be ready. Start small and work your way up.

    Imagine you haven’t had any physical contact the whole night and suddenly go for a kiss. It’s going to take her by surprise. She hasn’t had the chance to even think about being physical yet.

    But what if you hugged her when you first saw her? What if you playfully pushed her arm when she teased you? What if you placed your hand on her back when ordering a drink at the bar? What if you sat close to each other with your legs touching?

    If she welcomed all those progressively more forward advances, the kiss becomes a natural next step.

    This is called the “foot in the door” effect and is described further in this video:

Always lead the interaction forward – emotionally, physically, and sexually.

Prepare yourself for any reaction

Most guys make the mistake of trying to figure out how a woman feels before they take the lead. That’s damn near impossible. You’ll never read her mind.

You want to start leading and THEN adapt to the situation accordingly. Not the other way around.

Every time you lead, you’re going to get one of 3 types of responses:

  1. Positive – She accepts your lead. That means she says yes, reacts positively, and is still engaged in conversation. You have nothing to worry about and you can continue leading in a more forward manner.
  2. Negative – She does not accept your lead. This could be a flat out “no”, “stop”, “I don’t feel comfortable with that.”, or she looks visibly angry/upset. Immediately back off.

    You can say “No problem, I understand.” or apologize if necessary, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make to you uncomfortable.”

  3. Challenging / Hesitant – This is where she tests your leadership or struggles with the decision.

    You shouldn’t immediately feel shameful, back down, or apologize unnecessarily. You’re preventing yourself from making a connection.

    Do you know how many numbers, dates, and sexual encounters I would’ve missed if I’d buckled at every minor objection?

    Sometimes women are just nervous, caught off guard, or want to see if you’re truly confident about what you desire (her). For those situations, a simple nudge forward or reassurance is all it takes to keep things going. Convey that this is what you want in a positive, playful manner once more.

    Never get mad, confrontational, upset, or guilt-trip her into following your lead. That’s manipulative. You’re showing your intention, restating your position, and if she’s not into it – that’s okay.

    If she rebuffs your advance again, then you should back off.

I understand this is difficult to understand without context so let’s get into some real-world examples.

Putting it all together and leading her

  • Go for a number with the intention of hanging out with her. Don’t schedule a meet-up under the guise of “being her tutor”, “getting the homework you missed”, “helping her move”, or anything else.

    I’d been talking to a girl for only a few minutes at a bar and had to leave. I asked for her number.

    Her challenge: She responded, “I don’t know…maybe we’ll see each other around again.”

    Bad response: I could’ve backed down: “Yeah, maybe we will.”

    Good response: Instead I responded, “Let’s be honest. There’s no way I’m bumping into you again. Let’s exchange numbers and I promise I’ll only text you about 150 times tonight.”

    She laughed and said, “150 times?” I shot back, “Okay maybe like 200.” She laughed again and gave me her number.

  • Invite her to a first date with just you two. If I want to have an intimate date with a girl, I’m not going to suggest chilling with my friends. I’m also not going to settle for hanging out with her and her friends, either – there’s plenty of time for that later.

    Her challenge: She texts you, “Would you be okay with going out with my friends, too?”

    Bad response: “Sure, no problem.” or “Umm, I guess that’s okay.”

    Good response: “I’m excited to hang out with your friends! But for tonight I’d prefer to get to know you better 1 on 1.”

  • Plan the first date. Design an experience that you’ll enjoy and that she’ll find memorable. If she loves it, it carries more weight because you were the one to set it up.

    Don’t put the pressure on her to come up with ideas or say “whatever you want to do”. If she doesn’t like the plans she can suggest something else.

  • Sit next to her on a date rather than across. It makes the connection more personal and allows for easy physical contact.

    Her challenge: “Aren’t you going to sit over there?”

    Bad response: “I’m sorry I just wanted to sit close to you.”

    Good response: “Sitting across is lame, it’s like an interview. I want to actually get to know you.”

  • Initiate physical contact. As stated above, create physical contact early and often. Touch creates a deep bond between the two of you.
  • Give her a bold compliment or state your interest. Let her know you’re attracted to something about her. It can be about her personality or looks.

    I was on a date with a girl and we’d just finished dinner. Things had been platonic up until that point. I knew if I didn’t break the romantic barrier, I probably wouldn’t see her again.

    She was walking ahead of me on the stairs towards the next bar. I looked up and said, “I have the most incredible view right now.” [looking at her from behind]

    Her challenge: She turned back and said, “Oh my god, I can’t believe you said that!”

    Bad response: “I’m so sorry.” or “I was just trying to compliment you.”

    Good response: I smiled back at her and said, “Yeah and you loved it.” I could’ve also said, “Well believe it because it just happened!”

    She immediately smiled and responded, “Yeah, I did.” The dynamic instantly shifted from friendly to romantic and we hooked up later on.

  • For women you meet at the bar: relocate her to get a drink at the bar, take a more private seat, or get some fresh air.

    Maybe you lead with, “Come grab a drink with me.”

    Her challenge: “I still have a drink.” or “But my friends are here.”

    Bad response: “Okay then I’ll just get my own drink.” or “I understand, no problem.”

    Good response: “Well then you can keep me company while I get mine!” or “And they’ll still be here in 3 minutes…[smile]” You can even turn to her friends and say, “Are you guys okay if I borrow your friend for a few minutes? I promise I’ll bring her right back.”

  • For women you meet at the bar or are on a date with you: relocate her to another destination. This could be moving to another bar, taking a walk, getting dessert, or heading back to your place (or hers).

  • Get into sexual conversation. You’ve been asking questions back and forth and you say, “Tell me about your first kiss.” Or “What secretly turns you on about a guy?”

    Her challenge: “Why do you want to know?” or “Are you hitting on me?”

    Bad response: “I didn’t mean to cross the line.” or “Ummm….never mind.” or “No, I didn’t mean it like that.”

    Good response: “Because I’m interested, duh. [smirk]” or “Yes. [Pause with strong eye contact] Definitely.”

  • Go for the kiss on a first date. If the date is going well, you want to go for a kiss before it ends. The success ratio for getting follow-up dates vs. not is highly influenced by this. Almost every guy I’ve talked to who went for it sees the girl again (regardless if they got the kiss or not) and every guy who didn’t try rarely gets another shot.

Since we universally regard leaders as valuable, the best way to show your value to women is to become a leader.

Want to create powerful sexual connections with women? Talk to me for a free session.

  1. Ty on February 25, 2014

    This is one of your best posts I have read Nick. I think it comes back to leading yourself. To be in control of your emotions, desires, and overall life before you can lead anyone else.

    • Nick Notas on February 25, 2014

      Thanks Ty, it was definitely one of the hardest I’ve worked on.

      I love this quote from Chris Avellone:

      “Strength lies in knowing oneself. I learned that once someone does not know themselves, they are lost. They become a tool for others.”

  2. John Doe on February 25, 2014

    Thanks Nick, despite “the mores of society” assaulting this concept over and over again, I work hard to try and keep the idea strong in my mind that being most direct and honest is the best way. I actually prefer the tighter feedback loop this allows.

    • Nick Notas on February 25, 2014

      The problem is you have guys who aren’t great with women saying “this is wrong”. Then you have some women who, out of context, reference their worst experiences or imagine skeevy men doing this.

      But all the real data says otherwise — from the romance novels that sell millions, to the movies we watch, to the men who consistently attract beautiful women.

      What we claim we respond to is often not what we actually respond to in the moment.

      Also, love that concept of a “tighter feedback loop”. I’m going to steal that from you if it’s okay :)

  3. Shane on February 25, 2014

    Absolutely stunning. This post is fantastic. A work of art.

    I would have to say the best line I can take from this is “Most guys make the mistake of trying to figure out how a woman feels before they take the lead. That’s damn near impossible. You’ll never read her mind.” I am guilty 100%. I get nervous because I don’t know if she thinks what I plan on doing is acceptable. These words drive me to stop thinking about that, because I will never be a telepath.

    • Nick Notas on February 26, 2014

      Thanks Shane.

      You just have to remember that you’re not going to be doing anything so forward to start. It’s not like you’ll suddenly grope her and freak her out. You start small and if she’s positively responding, you keep moving forward.

      As for becoming a telepath, never say never man! Let’s roll around in some Fukushima waste and see what happens.

  4. Will Legend on February 25, 2014

    Good post, Nick. Leadership is definitely one of those qualities that is almost universally attractive.

    A girl told me a story of when she went to her college freshmen orientation and was not initially attracted to her orientation leader. In fact, she recalls that she “wished she had the other orientation leader” because he was physically more attractive. However, over time, she became immensely attracted to him because he was an authority figure. She also mentioned the fact that he teased her, that he had an attractive lifestyle, and that he was assertive.

    Definitely reminded me of this post!

    • Nick Notas on February 26, 2014

      Thanks Will. It’s ridiculously common for women to become attracted to men in direct positions of authority. See old Bill:

      http://bit.ly/1mHlTlr

  5. Mickey McConnell on February 26, 2014

    Loving it Nick…shame, fear, guilt…all just forms of self-harm :) Rejection is where we grow the most, it’s sad that many people fear that.

    • Nick Notas on February 26, 2014

      Yup. Once you accept rejection as normal and beneficial, it can never hurt you.

  6. Kie on February 26, 2014

    I am absolutely astonished! One of the best posts I’ve written in my entire life!

    Please keep that structure for future masterpieces.
    I have conquered lots of progress after taking over my life, start doing and stop imagining what it could be. That’s real life, but sometimes we forget!

  7. Goundy on February 27, 2014

    Great article Nick!
    I personally wouldn’t say being the leader is an important denominator in attracting and dating women but assertivness. Assertivness is an aspect of leadership that’s important for moving the interaction along to it’s different phases. I hope people don’t take what you say out of context and attempt to emulate the cartoonish style ‘alpha male’ which is charactized by being loud, overly dominant and having constant earning to be in the center of everyone.

    There’s definately two ends of the spectrum, one being shy guys who lack assertivness (the target audience of this article) and guys who overcompensate for lack of skills with women by attemping to act all alpha male – you can see these boisterous blokes in the club, street and all places because they think that this is how to get women.
    I personally come in fairly low key, sometimes I even act a bit shy especially in the day time. I don’t do anything that would make it appear I’m charismatic, alpha male or a leader. I’m just assertive and follow the necessary steps to get laid. It’s sounds very counter intuitive to most people especially to those who are in self development because they are constantly being exposed to stale black and white concepts like ‘people are attracted to confidence’ which I personally find a misgnomer and not a universal principle.

  8. fai on March 3, 2014

    dude good stuf i hav these problems all the time at campus