Becoming the Man Women Pursue

November 7th, 2014 by Nick Notas 36 Comments

Woman Chasing Man

I’ve noticed a trend among the guys I work with lately. They go on seemingly amazing dates only to never hear from the girl again. Or to hear, “I just didn’t feel any chemistry.”

I’m not even talking about desperate “nice guys”. These are genuine, respectful men who really like the girls they go out with.

I’ve also been speaking with more women about how they chase guys who treat them poorly. Guys who ignore them, act like assholes, or have proven to be serial cheaters. And sometimes, that only has the girl trying harder.

Because of this, I can see how a lot of guys come to the conclusion that women only date douchebags. I can see how “red pill misogynists” believe women are brainless sluts who just want to be dominated. I get how “pickup artists” spend so much time playing games and acting disinterested because they’re convinced that’s what all women want.

I don’t agree with any of this but I get how it all makes sense in their minds. I understand how their reference experiences seem to prove it.

But I don’t think that’s what’s really happening. When asked, few women say, “I just love being treated like shit!” So what’s the real psychology behind this?

What women find most desirable in a man

Women are attracted to men they feel they have to win over.

You have to be a challenge.

They want a “catch”. They want to have earned a man’s affection. If they feel they got it too easily or that he’s more invested initially than she is, they lose interest.

We want what we can’t have. And a man who’s not so quickly won over must a) have options and b) not be desperate. Neediness scares women off. 

More and more studies are confirming these findings:

  • Women are less attracted to eager or overly responsive men on first dates. They may see it as desperate or untrustworthy. (Source
  • Young women equate nice guys who are physically attractive, funny/witty, strong, confident, romantic, exciting, and someone their friends would like with “good guys”. Being perceived as sweet/nice has the potential to turn that same nice guy into a “too nice,” “loser guy.” (Source)
  • Our brains release more dopamine when dealing with unpredictable partners, which leads to subconscious attraction. (Source)

Women have been attracted to high-status, challenging men for as far back as we can remember. But not all of us are rich CEOs like Christian Grey, so instead…

How can you be a man that women strive to impress?

Guys ask me, “How do I show her that I’m a catch? How do I convince her that I’m an awesome guy?”

They answer isn’t to pretend like you’re too cool and play hard to get. The answer isn’t to act like an arrogant asshole and dole out insults.

When you think like that, you’re performing. It’s all an act. You’re reinforcing your insecurities and neediness by putting on a facade. And women will eventually see through your act and you’ll be worse off than when you started.

Moreover, playing these games only attracts women who thrive on disrespect, manipulation, and drama. Personally, I’m not interested in lowering my standards.

So instead, how can we use this knowledge to attract high-quality women who desire valuable men?

To be a truly valuable man, you have to become one. It’s not about making a woman feel inferior, but instead raising your own worth.

You have to honestly believe you’re a catch. You have to see yourself as deserving of a great partner. And you have to start thinking about what you want in a woman rather than just needing to be with a woman you barely know.

As I said in my previous article: be the buyer, not the seller. It’s an essential mindset you need to develop.

20 ways to become that challenging man

To get there, you have to adopt the behaviors of a confident, non-desperate human being.

  1. Keep your options open. When you focus on one romantic prospect, you become extremely attached. You’re terrified to lose your only opportunity. This fear then manifests itself in your behavior and scares girls away. And when things don’t work out, you’re devastated that you have to start all over again.

    You shouldn’t stop pursuing other women just because you’re going on a couple dates. It’s 2014, not the 1950s. People are expected to date around. Don’t forget that she probably is, too.

    Instead…

  1. Take more chances. Message tons of women online. Talk to people everywhere. Go to social events. Ask every person you talk to for more than a minute for their number.

    Inevitably, you will connect with people. This creates a mindset of abundance and you will inherently act as such. You will be more bold and honest with your romantic intentions. You’ll stop being desperate for any connection and instead seek the right connections.

    Women will notice this self-confidence. Then they’ll want to prove they’re worth your time.

  1. Don’t be so agreeable. Some guys believe that if they like all the same things as a girl, she’ll feel more attached. They say stuff like, “No way, I love hot yoga, too!” “Oh yeah, Taylor Swift’s the best!”, “I could eat Indonesian food every day of my life.”

    This just makes you seem like you’re trying too hard to impress her. Especially if you’re being dishonest.

    Instead, why not be curious? Try to learn more about her interests. Relate to her by talking about something you like. Share a similar story. Or just nod your head and listen.

    You don’t need to be a cheerleader about everything a woman says.

  1. Don’t be afraid to disagree, either. I’m not telling you to attack their beliefs or insult them. But if you feel differently about something, don’t be afraid to speak up. It shows you are secure in your beliefs and willing to express them.

    A woman doesn’t always have to agree with you but she should respect your opinions. If she doesn’t, she’s only proving that she’s not a good match for you. (And that’s better to know sooner rather than later.)

  1. Only compliment someone when they’ve earned it. Compliments can be very powerful. Imagine receiving praise from someone you look up to. It would feel amazing, right?

    But giving out constant compliments weakens their impact. Fake flattery will make you seem like you have ulterior motives. And if you’re throwing out undeserved compliments, you do!  You’re using them as a means to win someone’s approval.

    Wait until someone has shown you something worthy of complimenting. That could be their intellect, sense of humor, drive, courage, or even their compassion. A valuable man has no problem recognizing real value in other people.

  1. Hold people to your (high) standards. Like I said, so many guys constantly praise women and try to sell themselves. But they never require women to prove themselves. They never stop to think about what they find attractive and then see if a woman meets those qualities.

    Start asking deeper, personal, intimate, or controversial questions that are important to you. Show that you have standards. You then will encourage a woman to strive to meet those standards.

  1. Don’t try to buy a woman’s affection early on. Lavish gifts, $100 bottles of wine, and 4-star restaurants are excessive unless you’re loaded. Even then, it makes a woman question your motives. Why would someone who worked hard for their money invest so much in someone they barely know?

    You can buy her a drink or pay for a reasonable dinner. She invested in you by getting ready and being vulnerable enough to come out on a date. You can always invest more if things progress into a deeper connection or relationship.

  2. Let her carry the weight of conversation on a first date.  Practice your listening skills. Avoid feeling the need to fill every void in conversation. Ask more questions and encourage her to talk.

    The person who speaks least in an interaction is generally seen as the most confident. Slowing yourself down will also allow you to speak from the heart rather than trying to come up with the perfect thing to say.

  3. Slow down the romance. I know you’re smitten when you first meet a girl, but remember, you’re still getting to know each other.

    Stop planning out your entire future in your head. Stop questioning if she’s seeing anyone else. Stop buying concert tickets to her favorite band a month in advance.

    Go on a few dates with the intention of being curious, having fun, and potentially hooking up. Immediately jumping to the relationship stage with a brand new guy scares the hell out of most women.

    However…

  4. Treat girls like you’re interested in them. Saying that you’re soul mates on the first date = too intense. Flirting, touching, and creating a sexual connection = extremely important.

    This positions you as a potential partner and encourages her to flirt back. Build attraction through physical contact, strong eye contact, leading, and intimate questions or conversation.

    Women aren’t oblivious. They know that if you’re on a date with them, you don’t want to be friends. So there’s no point in hiding it.

    Women value and respect men who can express their desires in a respectful way. It shows you’re unashamed about what you want and that you’re looking to find a girl who feels the same way.

  5. Speak about your passions, passionately. I don’t care if you think your job is nerdy or your hobbies are boring. Being excited about those things is what attracts people more than anything.

    Learn to explain what you do in relatable ways. Think, “You love Lord of the Rings, right? I’m working on a virtual reality project that lets people experience actually being in Middle Earth.” instead of “I’m a hardware engineer who works on the eye-tracking components of virtual reality headsets.”

    If you’re proud of your passions, people will see them as valuable. And if you don’t have any passions…

  6. Build a social lifestyle you enjoy. You don’t have to become a super extroverted club guy who gets drunk every other night. But you should put yourself in social environments where there are other people.

    Take dancing or cooking classes. Host a party. Play golf. Get your S.C.U.B.A. diving license. Try improv. Go ice skating. Join a billiards league. Go to a board game meetup.

    You’ll meet and attract people that want to be part of your engaging lifestyle.

  7. Make female friends and go out with them. Being around women, even if they’re just your friends, makes you more attractive to other women. You’re seen as a man with options, someone that other people enjoy being around. Just don’t forgot to be her wingman, too.

    This makes women curious to know why you’re so cool. They want to know why people value your company. And they will work for your attention.

  8. Don’t brag but convey value in a subtle, natural way. When you show off your fancy car or gloat about a new business deal, it gives the impression you’re compensating for something.

    Confident, high-status men don’t need to flaunt their success. It’s shown in their actions, behaviors, and general attitude. They may not always initially share their accomplishments because they want people to like them for them, and not what they have to offer.

    Be a little mysterious. Let a woman discover your merits through her own questions and you’ll make a much stronger impression.

  9. Have open, confident body language. Lean back and relax. It says you’re not afraid of judgment. You’re not protecting yourself or self-conscious. Being comfortable in your own space shows you feel you deserve that space. That’s a self-assured man women want to win over.

  10. Get in shape and dress well. When talking about fitness and style, guys often become defensive. They make it all about “being hot” when really, it’s much more than that.

    Looking your best says a lot about your personality. It says you care for yourself. It says you want to be healthy and virile. It says you invest in being the best person you can be.

    And all that demonstrates you expect the same qualities in the people you date.

  11. Don’t give ultimatums. They don’t work and show you’re an insecure, controlling person. Placing intense pressure on a woman is never going to excite her to be with you.

    A lot of men do this when they have a hard time getting a girl to hang out. Or when a girl is still casually dating around early on. They try to force the girl into being with them using statements like…

    “If you can’t see me this weekend then don’t plan on seeing me at all.” or “Well it’s either those guys or me. Who’s it gonna be?”

    Just invite her out. If she doesn’t show up, focus on other women. If you don’t want to date a woman who’s casually dating other men, tell her so. Say, “I really like spending time with you. But if I’m dating a girl, I want her to be only dating me at the time. I hope you understand.”

    It’s her choice to invest in you or not. You don’t bully her into being with you. You need to express your feelings without manipulation. And if it turns out she isn’t interested, then…

  12. Stop chasing women who don’t invest in you. A woman who doesn’t care that much about you romantically will: cancel plans at the last minute. Ignore your texts. Never commit to a date.

    So why do you keep trying? That will prove to her that you have no backbone or self-respect.

    Instead, go do things that fulfill you. Hang out with friends, hit the gym, or go build your social life as I’ve been repeating. Have fun and don’t be hung up on someone who is blowing you off.

    You can try two or three times to make plans. After that, walk away.

    I’ve written about this concept so many times yet I rarely ever see men following it. If you have to beg a girl to give you a chance, you’re already setting yourself up for failure. You’re reinforcing your own neediness. And that’s the exact opposite of a man that women pursue.

  13. Don’t be so available. I’m not saying you should pretend to be busy. But an awesome guy has a life of his own.

    When trying to hang out with a girl, tell her two days you’re free, at most. If she can’t make one of those, try again for next week. Or if she’s truly interested, she’ll usually suggest a better time.

    Never say stuff like, “Let me know whenever you’re free.” “I’m open any day of this week, just tell me when.” or “I could hang out Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday.”

    Women want to become part of an already engaging lifestyle. They don’t want to be your life.

  14. Stop needing to prove yourself. Some women will challenge guys. They put them on the spot to see if they’re truly confident. Or they will bust their balls to see if they can handle it and flirt back.

    I’ve had girls call me short. Or say I’m too young. Or straight-up ask if I’m trying to get in their pants.

    The worst responses you can give are. “I’m not that short…I’m about average height.” “Well, I feel a lot older than I am.” or “Uh no…I’m just trying to get to know you better.”

    Own who you are and what you want. Make a joke out of it. Be silly and exaggerate. Challenge her back. Or even playfully ignore her. Just don’t try to justify yourself.

    You could say, “Shit, I knew I should have brought my stilts.” “Yeah I’m actually 13, but I got a really good fake ID.” “You’re so adorable when you try to act tough.” or “Actually, I’m trying more to get them off than get in them.”

    Nothing is more sexy than a man who’s not shaken when being challenged.

But for all this to work…

You have to want it for yourself. Your main goal shouldn’t be to get women chasing you — that’s just a byproduct of being an awesome guy.

  1. Evan on November 7, 2014

    Daaaamn that was a long post but well worth it. Thanks Nick

    • Nick Notas on November 7, 2014

      You’re telling me haha. It took a ton of hours just to revise.

      • Fabricio on November 9, 2014

        Well thanks for the good work Nick. It was a really helpful article.

      • Sydney Woman on March 1, 2016

        I was googling something completely different about men and your article appeared. Of course being spiritual I thought it may have a message for me….it didn’t because I’m female but my goodness, I pray that your word gets out and men start acting this way.
        I really want the good guys to get the awesome girls and this is the way to override our stupid biology.

        Now allow me to pretend I’m submissive to attract you and then when in a relationship I will act egalitarian so you dont feel like you’re the only one in our relationship and burdening all the pressure. See for us, we just have to be hot and sweet (or atleast pretend to be) and you’re easy.

        I wish I could be attracted to most men but unless you display most of these traits, it aint gonna happen even when we really really try to give the “good guy” a chance. Make us feel safe and secure by doing all the above and you’ve won us. Once we are hooked show us your “dad” side and it will be a bonus. Stupid biology (evolution) in both genders, if only it would catch up with reality.

        Great work Nick Notas

  2. Zak on November 7, 2014

    This post really hit the nail on the head for me. I am a pretty nice, easygoing guy and I like getting along with everybody. I tend to compliment most people a lot, just because I like to. Also because I want people to like me haha.

    But I have definitely noticed: women tend to get disinterested with me the longer we talk. When I walk up to them and say how beautiful they are, their eyes light up. But after a couple minutes, they walk away.

    So my question: where is the line with this? I probably compliment people too much, but I do enjoy it. Maybe I should experiment with not complimenting at all for a while and just asking people follow up questions to get to know them better.

    • Nick Notas on November 8, 2014

      I love giving compliments as well. I appreciate great qualities in people and love sharing value when I recognize them.

      I think the line is this:

      “Also because I want people to like me haha.”

      I would experiment with what I wrote in the article. Instead of immediately complementing, give yourself a chance to know these people first. Ask questions that reveal their character, personality, and values. Then I would compliment them on what they share with you.

  3. N on November 7, 2014

    Hey Nick, It’s not about challenge, so much as a woman questioning the basis of her date’s attraction to her.

    I believe women would much prefer someone who was truly attracted to them after getting to know them, rather than someone who ‘loves’ her at first sight. That’s how she feels like she’s earned his affection.

    Also, as an ex-follower of your posts, after going through my own journey, I have to say that if your focus is to attract high quality women; then no matter what transformation you undergo, it will all be based on a foundation of neediness. Make peace with your issues with women (usually stemming around your mother), and the right people will naturally be attracted to you, for who you are.

    Cheers Nick, I’ve always enjoyed your posts as they are well written, with great content, and I’m usually compelled to read them. This one is no exception.

    • Nick Notas on November 8, 2014

      Completely agree. That’s exactly what I was trying to convey with:

      “You have to start thinking about what you want in a woman rather than just needing to be with a woman you barely know.”

      Wanting a high quality partner does not make you needy. Secure people want to connect with others who improve their life. It’s your intentions behind wanting that person which determines whether or not it’s “needy”.

      If you’re trying to attract those women to prove you’re worthy, to show off, or to gain validation — that’s needy. But if you’re looking for someone who resonates with you to share an amazing life with — that’s confident.

      Cheers to you as well man. Happy that my articles have been so helpful. Thank you for the insightful comment.

  4. Derek on November 7, 2014

    Nice post Nick! I really enjoy and learn from (or am reminded of important things) your posts each week. Thanks a lot!

    I’m no savant with women, and learning more about this area is probably the biggest draw to signing up to your posts. But, I have to say I am pleasantly surprised at how week after week you are able to take dating concepts and relay them into, overall, being a better, more confident man. It’s been helpful.

    As a follow-up to this post, I would like share something that I do that kind of helps with many of the items on your list in this article, and, in general, helps me be more organized and, thus, feel more confident (and appear more confident). And, that is keeping lists…hand written lists.

    I tend to keep a notepad in my carrier bad at almost all times. Not only is it helpful when you need an impromptu pen and paper, but I keep a variety of lists going on them. Anything from “favorite this or that,” to grocery shopping, to-do lists, schedules, gift ideas, story ideas (I like to write), witticisms I hear that I don’t want to forget, whatever. Basically things that are not important enough that I act on them right away, but important enough that I don’t want to forget them.

    1.) Keeping lists keeps me organized and focused on the things I feel are important.
    2.) They make me feel more confident about what I’m doing and what I want to do.
    3.) In a pinch, they are excellent conversation starters. (curious guys and gals will often ask me what I’m writing, and though some of the lists are boring, many of them are great conversation igniters that draw attention).
    4.) Feeling organized is awesome! Feeling and looking organized….really awesome!

    Just a random thought. I’ll probably go write it down later. 🙂

    Again, thanks for your posts, I really like them.

  5. Derek on November 7, 2014

    Always a great read, Nick. Thanks for your continued insight!

    • Nick Notas on November 8, 2014

      Thank you Derek — it’s my pleasure.

  6. U-Tech on November 8, 2014

    Nick, great article, I have been following you over a year now. You have shaped my wooing/dating lifestyle. I can boost of being the man that any woman needs with your help over a year now. Thanks alot.

    • Nick Notas on November 8, 2014

      Wow, I’m flattered that I’ve had such an impact on you. Remember, I just inspire and provide insight. It’s you who carved yourself into the man you are today.

  7. Seymoure on November 8, 2014

    As usual, solid common sense and valuable data I’ve come to expect from Nick. Great work my friend and thank you for taking the time to help and direct us all. My question: although I of course agree with statements such as ” women want men they have to win over and don’t be so available ” etc. but what next ? assuming a man has played all his cards right and has created all the factors that attract the woman and he has attracted her. Then what ?? I mean he can only be not available and a challenge to win over for so long. At some point he has to become available and and then we’re faced with the phenomenon of familiarity breeds contempt. No matter how mysterious, genuinely successful, engaged and confident we are, familiarity does breed contempt on both sides. Take this as a question or statement. I respect your work and will remain a loyal follower.

    • Nick Notas on November 8, 2014

      You’re welcome Seymoure.

      I don’t agree with “familiarity breeds contempt.” At least that it automatically has to.

      Being less available early on makes sense. You barely know the person and they’ve barely invested in you, so they aren’t a priority yet. But as the connection progresses, that obviously changes.

      That said, in a relationship you can still be that challenging, valuable man. You encourage and motivate each other. You have your own independent time, friends, and hobbies. You continue to refine and improve yourself.

      Also, part of it is communicating and growing together. Both partners have to work for the relationship. You have to truly love and respect each other.

      I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over 4 years and I’m happier than ever. We’re excited to see each other every day. We get along, we support each other, and we’re a team. We work hard to keep that passion and go on adventures together often.

      It’s not easy but that’s why I advocate finding the right people for you. I spent years dating around before getting into a relationship. I wanted to work on myself and understand what I really valued in a quality partner.

      When I met my girlfriend, I still didn’t jump into a relationship for a few months because I wanted to make sure she was a great fit. I’m glad I did.

  8. Paul Ray on November 8, 2014

    What I learned a while ago is this. If you want to attract a certain woman you need to be able to develop some of those qualities that you want in a woman. For example if you want a girl that’s in shape then you should go out there and be in shape as well. I think its a great way to look at things and take action in life!

    • Nick Notas on November 8, 2014

      Great advice. Whatever you expect in a partner, you should first expect it in yourself.

  9. Zac on November 8, 2014

    Nick this was a really awesome post and pretty much exactly what I needed to read today!
    As a university student I have found #13 (having female friends) to be one of the most valuable things you can do to attract women.
    Thanks and keep up the good work!

    • Nick Notas on November 13, 2014

      Glad you liked it so much Zac. Having female friends in college is great and definitely comes with some added benefits.

  10. Don on November 13, 2014

    Great advice , wish i had gotten it years ago. I’ve found “THE ONE” and we’re going on 20 years now, but this could have saved me a lot of pain along the way, including a bad first marriage. keep up the good work.

  11. tarak shah on November 22, 2014

    “Let me give you some advice, bastard: Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.”

    ― George R.R. Martin, Game of thrones-Tyrion Lannister.

  12. Andrew on January 14, 2015

    Women pursue? Maybe I’m interpreting this the wrong way, but generally women do not pursue men, at least not actively

  13. Chris on February 10, 2015

    Hey Nick,

    Please could you advice me on an issue. I broke up with my girlfriend (got dumped). She is 24 and we were dating for 4 years, but she said she needed to know what it is like to date other people before committing to me… Ultimately the point is that she lost attraction for me and needed a break.

    However, I am seeing her on Saturday after one month of no contact (she occasionally texted and liked my FB posts) and we are going to a Valentine’s rave. I am following the ex factor guide and asked Corey Wayne what to do when I see her. Corey Wayne says I should plant a kiss on her lips when I see her and be “the man”, and take control… Brad Browning says to take it slow and not try to take things too quick. I’m really confused about how to proceed..

    What would you advise I do on the night? Go for the kill or play it cool..?

    Could really do with some advice..

    Thanks man,

    Chris

  14. Seymoure on February 11, 2015

    @ Chris, she is 24 and I presume you’re around the same age. You’ve been dating for 4 years. While sensitive to your pain – believe me I know how it feels – you are way too young to be talking commitment. She probably just got tired of the relationship and wanted to try new men. Perhaps you should as well. The genuine time away will let both of you know in reality whether or not you really want to be with each other or it was just an attraction that ran its course.

  15. Chris on February 11, 2015

    Hi Seymoure,

    I forgot to type that I am actually quite a bit older than her. I am in fact 32… The age difference is not the actual problem. But I agree that her youth and lack of experience of other men might be. I suspect that the real reason for wanting to know what it is like to be with other men though is because she was no longer attracted to me because of my behaviour being less than perfect on numerous occasions.

    She has told me she loves me and thinks of marriage to me in the future but needs to know first what being with other men is like… (that one hurt like a mofo) Anyway, as I said, I am seeing her on Saturday and don’t know whether to take it slow, or be the alpha male as Corey Wayne advocates and take charge, try to take her back and if she pulls away, just walk and never look back (being friends ain’t an option). Or to slowly attempt to seduce her again as Brad Browning suggests..?

    I appreciate your previous comment Seymoure, and Nick if you are reading this, your opinion would be valued!

    Best,

    Chris

  16. seymoure on February 11, 2015

    Dear Chris, As Nick has said and I totally agree, you can never logically convince a woman to like or not like someone, including you. Just like we can’t be convinced to be physically attracted to a woman we’re not. I believe no matter what you do, she will end up doing what she wishes. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink, I believe you can make your love and desire for her clear but don’t beg for love, because it wont work and YOU WOULD NOT WANT a woman you have to beg for or convince to be with you. Its only good when the desire comes naturally from within and we all know it when we have it. Corey Wayne although has some good solid advice is a bit on the rough and crude side in my humble opinion so take it for what its worth. All advice is given with good intention but we have to take it in, process it and deliver it through our own style and with our own wants and needs in mind. I would say first, go someplace by yourself and think long and hard on what YOU WANT from her and then proceed, move forward and act, with that crystal clear thought. keeping in mind we do have a tendency to want what we can’t have. After all you would not want her being with you and always wondering in the back of her mind, what she missed by giving up all others. I’d say have the attitude if you want to go, then go. A woman or man must want to be with another whole heartedly with 100% certainty and no shadow of a doubt. She must also know that you are worthy of having and she must want you.

  17. Chris on February 15, 2015

    Hey Seymour,

    Many thanks for your response. Very grateful.

    So unfortunately the report from the rave is probably average/poor…
    I met her, she seemed pleased to see me but not much more. I went for the kiss as Corey suggested.. and sure enough the cheek appeared. doh! 🙁 The evening otherwise went well enough, exchanging pleasantries, having a few drinks with mutual friends and some decent tactility at the dance itself. She said she was getting tired 3 hours in and was thinking of going home though.

    She hung around til 4am at which point I walked her to the door and started a mini catch-up about our relationship, and stupidly tried to kiss her again, only to be rejected once more… (Bad moves again I know.) We hugged a fair bit while I clarified that I wasn’t going to do the friend thing and that if she changed her mind about us then she could give me call. As Corey Wayne would have suggested..

    She said she just needs more time, asked me if I could give her some and as she left, said to me, “I’ll speak to you soon.” with a cheeky grin which had a positive feel to it… I wonder if her level of attraction has dropped significantly from my actions last night or if I’m still in with any chance later down the line? (Bear in mind that when we first broke up one month ago she was telling me she still loves me and thinks of marrying me in the future, but just needs to know more than one relationship before committing to being with me for longer. I realise her feelings for me may also have changed since saying that…)

    I think I’m at the ‘just walk away and never look back’ stage, and maybe down the line she’ll get back to me. I did quite a few things Brad browning would shake his head at though so…

    If you have time for one more reply I’d love to hear from you. Feeling a little down about it actually..
    Thanks.

    Chris

  18. Seymoure on February 15, 2015

    My take on this is, leave her alone. Do not go where you’re not welcomed. It’s quite easy to see that her belief is she can go and experience other men and somehow when she’s finished and if she likes none of them then of course you’ll still be there waiting with open arms because you have no options available to you. What a joke. If a woman wants s man she won’t let him go we all know that. There’s an old saying from the east: don’t cry over one who won’t cry over you ! Fact is she can take you or leave you. Nothing more, nothing less. I hope you appreciate I’m being completely frank with you. After all, Is there any other way of looking at things.

  19. Chris on February 16, 2015

    I’m not sure she feels I have no options as I did not plead or beg for anything, I said I can’t stay friends and I am leaving her be. I’m in radio silence mode now and am pretty sure she doesn’t expect I’ll wait around for her but anyway, I agree. I have to refocus on things like my MA at the moment.. So I’m dusting myself down and getting back to it!

    What is the general take on wishing exs a happy birthday by the way? It is in less than a month and I don’t know what to do to be honest. Coach Corey (I now you have mixed view on his work) says not to make any contact for any reason once you’ve said your piece. But it just feels wrong inside not to briefly wish happy birthday to someone I was with for 4 years and who I have not parted with on bad terms. I said to her I couldn’t do friends and to contact me if she changes her mind, and I’m planning on not pursuing this any further from my end! Blatantly ignoring her birthday just seems wrong though. Can’t see how it would do our relationship (romantic or otherwise) any good. Any thoughts on exs birthdays?

    Thanks as usual!

  20. Seymoure on February 16, 2015

    @chris, re: whether or not to say happy birthday to her – short answer is, it won’t make a damn of a difference. the fact is, as much as we may think a woman was with us because she loved us or we were so special, women ALWAYS are with a man because he is the vehicle that is serving her needs. This is why it’s easier for them to move on to the next guy and quickly become closely attached to a new man because now it is the new man that is serving their needs. It’s not that they’re heartless its in their genes to be that way. Just like most men can have sex with different women but still be very much attached to another emotionally.

  21. Chris on February 16, 2015

    Thanks for the reply. Though I’m not sure I agree with all of that. It seems overly cynical to me.. Women are with you because they are attracted to you. With men it is more physical attraction and for women it is an attraction to the emotions the man makes them feel.

    Either way, if the criteria meet and the couple stay together long enough they eventually fall in love, but if the attraction drops significantly later on you get dumped or you dump them… I just don’t think all women are that heartless about their exs to give them up when no longer necessary to them (even you say it doesn’t mean that). And even if they do seem to move on quickly, most rebounds don’t last as they are just a stop gap for the emotional hole left from the break up (assuming it was amicable and no one else was in the picture when it happened). IMHO.

  22. Seymoure on February 16, 2015

    Chris, we all know security matters to women over and above all else, unless they’re mentally unstable. Most often this security is in the form of financial, however it could be emotional, sexual, etc. Hence women being attracted to string, assertive, decisive men because these type of men are more likely to be able to provide then with the security they so badly desire. This is why we see so many women with guys that seem inappropriate for them in our eyes but not from where they’re seeing it. A man who provides them with security and they’re attracted to is a bonus but given the choice women will choose security and stability over all else every time. A woman will leave you if she senses you’ll never committ to her or that you’re a loser no matter how attracted she is to you. Unless of course she has zero self esteem, then it’s the case of her feeling she doesn’t deserve or can’t get anything better. Men can ignore these facts but they will do so at their own peril. It is of course my view but I’ve seen sufficient hard evidence countless times.

  23. BLaw on June 3, 2015

    Fantastic article! I think you’ve managed to actually subdue the torture of dating in the minds of guys like me. I am a confident guy, game developer, have my own business and I keep in shape- but dating is absolutely the worst lol, it’s excrutiatingly boring.

    I go for pretty high quality women, and they are hard to find, but they are also in very high demand, so often I get the impression they are dating 20 guys and despite passionate make outs etc they will go with option #224 after like the third date. Now I am never genuinely interested in someone when I first meet her- that has to grow over time; but I am CURIOUS. Is curiosity not enough? Also I’m curious but it seems like if you don’t aggressively pursue sex on the first date, she thinks you’re not attracted to her. What’s up with that? I’d rather not be sleeping with someone I don’t really like, so I want to get to know her first.

  24. Dannie on June 4, 2015

    Great article.., but hey guys don’t over rely on this. Not all girls perceive dating the same way. Some will consider you slow when your trying to get to know each other, and some would prefer you being straight forward in revealing your intentions in the shortest time possible.

    • BLaw on August 31, 2015

      intentions is such a silly word for dating. before you KNOW someone how the hell are you supposed to decide if you like them or not? laughing with someone you want to sleep with is not enough information to go on.