Becoming an Asshole Won’t Fix Your Romantic Problems

September 15th, 2015 by Nick Notas 15 Comments


Everyone’s looking for a quick fix that’ll get them more dates. What’s the point of investing time and effort when you can just take a shortcut?

A lot of men who struggle to connect with women get frustrated and look for the easy way out. They eventually have a Eureka! moment like…

“Hey, I should just be an asshole all the time!”

I mean, I see how it kind of makes sense from their point of view.

In college, cocky frat guys get laid like rock stars. Go to a bar and you often see the loudest, most obnoxious guy making out with girls by the end of the night. And everyone has a friend who treats women like total crap but always has someone to go home with.

They assume that their own lack of success is due to them being too nice. So they think they just have to stop caring about girls they meet. They need to treat them as sexual conquests and nothing more. They have to put them down, ignore them, and make them jealous by sleeping with other women.

Basically, they must become an arrogant narcissist. If they do that, all their problems with women will be solved.

Being an asshole can get you laid but it’s usually not because you’re an asshole. It’s more about the other qualities that those assholes also often embody. 

Those men tend to be self-confident, assertive, outspoken, willing to set their boundaries, playful, flirtatious, and sexual. All these traits have nothing to do with being an asshole; many good-hearted men share them as well.

The truth is that other guys struggle because they don’t put work into making themselves more attractive. They often feel entitled to women just because they’re a nice guy or a good friend. It’s not that they’re too caring, it’s because you act desperate, timid, and like a pushover. 

When that doesn’t work, they become resentful and try to compensate using the “quick fix – just be a dick” route. What they don’t realize is that this comes at a great cost which just isn’t worth it. Here’s why:

You attract more assholes

Do you like drama? Do you love being lied to, emotionally manipulated, and just plain disrespected?

I didn’t think so.

But if you’re rude, condescending, and emotionally aloof – don’t be surprised when you attract similar women. We are drawn to people who share the same values. Like attracts like.

If you’re just looking for flings, you might not think this matters. Who cares if you hook up with a crazy girl for the short term?

Trust me, you’ll care when she flips out every time you want to see your friends. Or she slashes your tires. Or gives you a pregnancy scare. Or even when she threatens you with false rape charges.
Yes, I have personally known men who have dealt with all those issues. It can seriously mess up your life.

Individuals with high self-esteem are happy with who they are. Therefore, they don’t find it endearing to be around toxic, disrespectful people. Why would they? They have too much self-worth to put up with that just to feel “liked” by someone.

People who chase others that treat them poorly are insecure. They seek approval from assholes because they don’t truly respect or love themselves. These are not the women you’re looking for, especially if you want a healthy relationship at some point.


You form unhealthy, short-term relationships

Maybe you get lucky, attract a hot girl, and end up in a relationship. When you’re an asshole, one of three things usually happens:

  1. She’ll leave you. Few people want to sustain a relationship with someone who mistreats them. The novelty of being with an asshole wears off and your girlfriend will get fed up with it. When she gets the courage to walk away and become independent, she will. Women who’ve been married 20 years leave their husbands when they can’t take it anymore.
  2. She’ll cheat on you. Since insecure people base their worth on validation from others, your girlfriend will be eager to move onto the next thrill. She won’t be able to resist that bad boy charm.

    Eventually, some other guy is going to act like a dick to her, she’s going to find it attractive, and she will want to win him over. She’ll do it behind your back or drop you when she knows that new guy is a sure thing.

    From my experience, this is most common in young women. They’re still struggling with their self-worth and mistakenly see bad boys as confident.

    But say she doesn’t do all that. There are plenty of insecure women who don’t chase other assholes. Instead, they realize that they’re missing a deeper with the jerks they’re with. When she does, she’ll find a guy who can provide that meaningful connection and emotionally cheat on you with him.

  3. You’ll have an unhealthy, unequal relationship. Okay, so there are some women who marry and stay with assholes their whole lives. And maybe that could happen to you.

    But just because someone stays with you, doesn’t mean it’s healthy for either of you.

    You’ll get stuck with someone who doesn’t respect you, causes trouble for no reason, uses you, takes your money, and doesn’t actually give a shit about you. Or you can have a completely subservient, non-equal partner. Someone who doesn’t challenge you, help you grow, stimulate you intellectually, or call you out on your shit.

    That might appeal to some guys, but trust me, it will get old quick. We’re attracted to confident, valuable people. You won’t respect someone who doesn’t respect themselves.

You become disconnected from other people

Like attracts like, remember?

So when you’re mainly connecting with low-quality women, you get a narrow view of who’s out there. You believe that’s what all women like and they all love shitty behavior.

You expect the worst in women. You see them as less. You don’t trust them and you’re always on the defensive. You have a hard time opening up to anyone which causes you to build weak connections.

It’s confirmation bias. And you begin to reinforce cynical, misogynistic beliefs that aren’t true.

That’s why you see guys from communities like The Red Pill believe women are shallow. They think women are cold-hearted cheaters who use men and only respond to “alpha male douchebags”. When in reality, they just encounter more of those women because of the type of people they are themselves.

Every time I meet someone who’s angry at the world, they always talk about how horrible everyone else is. They treat people poorly, receive the same in return, and prove themselves right.

You start to hate yourself and the life you built

Being an asshole that’s surrounded by assholes feels miserable. Take it from a guy who used to be one himself. I was controlling, jealous, and a guilt-tripper.

All of my relationships were thin. There was no respect. No trust. No true love. Just a whole lot emotional turmoil and pain. Everything felt hollow. I loathed myself for the way I acted towards others and I resented people for doing the same to me.

How you treat others is always a reflection of how you feel about yourself. When you’re happy with who you are, you have no desire to see others suffer. Instead, you want to build people up and watch them succeed, too.

And if you’re just being a jerk as a tactic to attract women, it’s not sustainable or fulfilling. You’ll feel like shit after a while because of what you’ve become. One day you’ll want a healthy relationship with love, compassion, and honesty.

Only people who lack empathy or are sociopaths can lead a life without those things.

Years ago, I had a life-altering experience in which I realized I was an asshole. It was a profound moment that took me on an ongoing journey to become a better, stronger person.

I stopped being fake with people. I opened up and learned to be vulnerable. I gained control of my emotions. And because of it, everything in my world has changed. I’ve made incredible friendships, learned to maintain healthy romantic relationships, and overcame depression.

Most importantly, I discovered how to love myself. Becoming a decent human is the best thing I ever did.

Some things in life aren’t meant for shortcuts. There is no easy solution to successful relationships and personal growth — they are a life-long journey.

If you want to become a great man who has great people around him, you have to put the work in. It may not seem like it from the outside but assholes always lose out in the end.

  1. Ernest on September 15, 2015

    I know you’re right but it’s hard not to think that way when girls cancel on you last minute or ignore your texts.

    • Nick Notas on September 15, 2015

      Yeah, that can be frustrating. Especially as people backing out of plans is more common than ever.

      But remember that the girl may not always be doing it maliciously. It can be scary and cause a lot of anxiety to go out with a new guy.

      If she is just blowing you off, then she did you a favor. You can spend less time on a girl who’s not serious and find one who is.

      Finally, make sure that you’re doing your best to make her feel comfortable and excited about seeing you. Humor is your best weapon. Check out some other pointers here:

      • Daniel on September 15, 2015


        As you know I struggled mightily with with the flakes. It’s a thing. It’s real, it sucks. You can avoid the flakes by building stronger connections, and more interest pre date. It’s hard though, especially with cold daytime approaches.

        The weird thing is, flaking doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t interested. I ended up dating one of my flakes for a few months, once I got her to actually meet up.

        I’ve still got a lot of work to do, but one thing I’ve learned is that the best way to avoid flakes is to be totally upfront, honest and confident in your intentions. That way a woman knows exactly what you’re up to, and she knows if she’s game. A flake in that instance is actually doing you favour, she’s being honest about having reservations, albeit in a round about way.

        • Nick Notas on September 16, 2015

          Hey Daniel,

          I know it sucks man. Three things you can try to do is:

          1) Have longer conversations (3-5 minutes vs 1-2 minutes) during the day time.

          2) Ask more personal or meaningful questions to get past that small talk on those day approaches.

          3) Work on having a more fun and flirty dynamic over text to get them laughing and more comfortable.

          That said, there are still going to be inevitable flakes.

          Mhmm, flaking doesn’t always mean it’s hopeless. Lots of women just get nervous or because they don’t know you yet, won’t prioritize you. But if you do get that opportunity to hang out once, you can shift that quickly.

          Still, sometimes it’s better to just focus on new connections than trying to endlessly nail down a date with one girl.

          I 100% agree about being upfront about everything. It shows you’re a strong guy who knows what he wants and doesn’t waste time.

    • Zan on September 16, 2015

      Fakes happen to everyone…I also experienced the same thing…girl was very interested shared her number with me and i thought we clicked and then when I invited her out…BAM ! no response ..haha… so gotta accept the fact that girls will flake…

    • Zan on September 16, 2015

      Again an awesome article Nick !
      One should accept the lot of women will flake on you and but not all for sure. Women are also insecure about themselves.

  2. Victor on September 15, 2015

    when i first starting trying to get better with women i thought pickup artists were the answer. but then i tried acting like some of them and it made women respond even worse to me, and it just didnt feel right. i had a hard time acting in a way that felt both true to myself and also made women interested in me. this article makes a lot of sense to me, thanks!

    • Nick Notas on September 15, 2015

      I went through the same process myself. I won’t lie, I learned a lot from the pickup community years ago. It was part of the reason why I got involved in all this and lead to some early success.

      But eventually, I realized how much I hated the person I had become. Worse than that, I felt like no girl I attracted was genuinely interested in me. So I took a lot of the underlying principles that worked (being comfortable with your sexual intentions, having good body language, etc) and tried to teach them in more organic, healthy ways.

      Instead of teaching men to become a pick up guy, I wanted men to take those principles, apply it to their personality, and become the best version of themselves.

  3. Lavinia on September 15, 2015

    Excellent article, thanks Nick. You guiding those who have either lost or never had the chance to find themselves in the first place, is fantastic!

    • Nick Notas on September 16, 2015

      Thanks Lavinia, those are very nice words. Just trying to do my part in this world!

  4. Oliver on September 15, 2015

    Hey Nick,
    Great post as always. Have been following you for about 2 years and I dig the way you approach getting with women and changing your life for the better.
    this is not really relativ but the last part of this post remembered me about people saying im arrogant and dont value their opinions. They even go so forward to say that I have an aura that surrounds me. Note most of them are my friends and they want the best for me thats why they are honest.
    But I dont know how to change that trait. I always held my intelligence in high regard even so as to define myself with it.
    How do I approach this, the concept of an aura is so hard to grasp.
    Many thanks and keep the good posts going 🙂

    • Nick Notas on September 16, 2015

      Thanks Oliver and I’m flattered to have you as a loyal reader. If your friends are saying that, my first questions would be:

      – Are you holding strong eye contact, especially when they’re talking to you?
      – Are you fully engaged and interested when they are telling you something?
      – Do you ask genuine questions to get to know them better (their interests, hobbies, work, etc)?
      – Are you appreciating their opinions and not always trying to reason why yours are better?
      – Are you making sure not to “one up” them with a better story when they’re sharing a story with you?

      If you answered no to any of those questions, that can make you feel disconnected to them. That is what I’d be working on.

      Hope that helps!

      • Oliver on September 16, 2015

        Hi Nick,
        Thanks for the quick answer. Yes I did answer no to some of your questions. My problem is that I almost never value other opinions Except when I know they have some better skills in that particular subject. For example you as a dating coach have considerable more expericience with women than me so i take your advice.
        But when a friend comes and tries to do the same even though he has had only one girl and their relationship didnt last, i dont listen to him at all.
        Maybe I can train myself listening to other peoples arguments and be open to them, so I dont miss anything. So a proper excercise could be: always let other people finish! For 2 weeks
        And then: find something endearing in their opinion and compliment it
        Is that a valid way to start?
        All the best

  5. Andrew on September 16, 2015

    I wonder if any other guys can relate to having these thoughts, basically the stuff you know now about about, or are learning now about women, you wish you knew, or started learning earlier in your life? like you wish you knew all this stuff like 5-10 years ago?

  6. Seymoure on December 7, 2015

    Very well written and true to life. Thank you !