Are You The Man She Wants or The One She’ll Settle For?

September 8th, 2016 by Nick Notas 14 Comments

Torn between lovers

It’s a story as old as time…

Attractive young woman feels on top of the world. Then, she hits one or more major turning points such as:

  • Her existing relationship ends and she feels lonely.
  • She faces financial hardships as a single person.
  • She feels herself getting older and isn’t receiving the same amount of male attention that she used to. She feels pressure to have kids before it’s too late.

What’s a girl to do?

She meets this new guy. He’s not exactly her idea of a leading man, but he checks enough boxes to make it worth a try. She’s not super attracted to him but he’s not disgusting, either.

She decides he’s the safe choice. He’s the smart choice. She’s thinking with her brain and not necessarily her heart when she finally decides to…


Relationships where one or both parties “settle” are often filled with resentment, disrespect, communication gaps, and a lack of intimacy. And when someone isn’t being fulfilled by their connection, they’ll eventually seek fulfillment elsewhere – whether that’s through substances, material possessions, or another lover.

And so, the questions remains, how do you make sure you’re “first choice” material and not just somebody’s backup plan?

What women really want in a man

The simple answer to the question above…confidence.

Yes, the elusive quality that every woman says they’re looking for in a man. Guys think that it equates to being aloof, emotionally distant, and kind of an asshole – but those are just insecurities posing as confidence.

What a woman really values is a guy who values himself.

A guy who has standards and specific qualities he looks for in a partner. A guy who wants someone who will genuinely respect him and will be excited to invest back in him.

A guy that isn’t going to settle for just anyone.

Women want men who have options. They want to feel like they actually have to earn your approval (not that they just got it because they’re hot and/or you’re lonely.) They have to feel like they could lose you if you’re not getting the connection you desire.

A woman wants a man who’s a catch. And they definitely don’t want to date down.

It comes down to how you’re presenting yourself – are you showing her that you WANT her, or that you NEED her?

When you’re needy and seeking validation, you will never be her first choice. You can’t hide your neediness by memorizing lines or playing games – the truth will always reveal itself.

You have to lead with behaviors that show that you value you. You have to act congruent with who you really are and what you want. You have to prioritize YOUR happiness first.

That’s the only way to develop a mindset of true self-confidence and never be the guy women settle for again.

The man women want vs who they settle for

Here are some scenarios to differentiate “first choice” behavior from “backup plan” guy.

He expresses his boundaries (“my time is important to me”) to a woman who constantly cancels on him or never commits to a date. He walks away if he’s tried 2 or 3 times to meet up and she hasn’t followed through. First choice.

He always says, “No problem, when are you free next?” and is available whenever she decides to invest in him (if ever). He continues to chase women who are distant. He may even resort to emotional manipulation, guilt tripping, or intimidation to try and get her to invest in him. Backup.

He flirts with women he likes over text and in-person from the start of their connection. He creates physical contact and goes for kisses on dates. He shows interest because he wants an intimate connection and will then see if that woman wants the same. First choice.

He doesn’t flirt or create physical contact because he’s ashamed women may be put off by his sexuality and they’ll reject him. He instead acts like a friend and waits for a woman to make a move or show interest. Backup.

He uses his personality, actions, and conversations to build romantic connections with new women. First choice.

He uses money, gifts, or his status to build romantic connections with new women. He believes he needs these external things for someone to like him. Backup.

He authentically compliments women only when they’ve shown something valuable or interesting about themselves. First choice.

He compliments women regardless of whether or not they’ve earned it. He starts his online dating messages by showering women with praise and gives endless compliments on dates to earn her favor. Backup.

He is willing to disagree and share different or even controversial opinions. He engages in healthy debate and conflict. First choice.

He always agrees with women or doesn’t speak up when they have different perspectives. He hides anything that may cause tension or conflict. Backup.

He pushes himself to try new things and create connections with various people. He has an active social life and invests time in many people close to him. First choice.

He has little to no hobbies and makes dating his main source of socializing. When he meets a woman, he spends the vast majority of his time with her and doesn’t prioritize existing friendships or connections. Backup.

He conveys his boundaries in the moment when he is feeling disrespected or talked down to. He uses honest, direct communication and does not secretly hold onto grudges. First choice.

He keeps quiet when his boundaries are crossed and lets women walk all over him. He harbors resentment and may blow up in rage down the line when he can’t take it anymore. Backup.

He is still open to meeting other women until he’s made an exclusive commitment with someone. He understands that his best path is to keep his options open until he’s sure of who he wants to be with. First choice.

He immediately stops trying or even considering connecting with new women once he’s interested in someone. He gets tunnel vision even if that person may not be right for him or more fulfilling opportunities present themselves. Backup.

He is unashamed that a strong sexual connection is a priority to him in an intimate relationship. He expresses his desires in the bedroom and tries to have a regular, healthy level of sex. First choice.

He doesn’t talk about sex or move towards sex often. When he does have sex, he doesn’t open up about what turns him on or try new things with his partner. He settles for less sex than he desires out of fear of turning a woman off or losing her altogether. Backup.

He regularly invites women on dates back to his place or tries to move things to theirs. He knows that intimacy will only happen in a more private setting. First choice.

He spends multiple interactions or dates never suggesting going back to a more private place. He wants things to progress but won’t push for it in case he hears a “no”. Backup.

He’s not afraid to lead with women and go after what he wants. If someone objects, he either finds a way to compromise or he moves on. First choice.

He lets women lead with whatever they want, even if it goes against his own needs. He just takes it or when he doesn’t get what he desires, he resorts to controlling behavior. Backup.

He maintains his healthy friendships and will not forgo them for a new woman. First choice.

He readily drops existing friendships simply because a woman wants him to herself or doesn’t want him spending much time with other people. Backup.

He maintains his independent interests and is unashamed of them. First choice.

His interests all become her interests and he loses his sense of independence. Backup.

The steps you take now toward self-confidence will write the story for you. You have the power to NEVER be the guy a girl settles for. And in turn, you’ll never have to settle, either.

Even when you feel desperate, even when you feel needy, you just have to flip the script. Deciding to act with an abundance mentality (even if it’s not there yet) will bring you more abundance with the right people.

Tired of being treated like an option and not a priority? Have a consultation with me and let’s change that for good.

  1. Gordon on September 8, 2016

    This may be the greatest fear I never knew I had…

    • Nick Notas on September 8, 2016

      Well, it never has to materialize into anything more than that if you don’t let it 🙂

  2. Louis on September 8, 2016

    2 years I stayed with a girl who didn’t love me like I loved her. The signs were there but I was in too dark and desperate of a place to see them. Even all my friends said so but I couldn’t believe them.

    It took a while to get over it but I worked on myself. Now if a girl doesn’t seem excited to be with me I don’t even bother. The girls that are all in I end up having an awesome time with. No more games and no more headaches

    • Nick Notas on September 8, 2016

      That’s a terrible experience to go through but I’ve seen it change people completely. It seems like it did the same for you and you’ve come out stronger for it.

      I apply the same idea to friends and even business connections as well. If they aren’t excited to spend time together or invest in me back, they’re generally not someone I want close in my life. There’s too little time and too many other great people.

  3. max on September 8, 2016

    You’re site and advice has helped me a lot Nick. I’m still not in the place i would like to be but having help from someone’s experiences and perspectives is awesome.

    I’m glad you’re doing what you do.

    • Nick Notas on September 8, 2016

      I’m flattered that you’ve felt my advise has made such a positive impact.

      Remember that this is all a journey and there will always be room for growth. As long as you’re moving forward, that’s what matters.

  4. PS on September 8, 2016

    or just have a fat wallet

    • Nick Notas on September 8, 2016

      You can buy attention but you can’t buy affection.

      Plenty of wealthy guys with trophy wives who don’t respect or love them.

  5. Neil on September 8, 2016

    I have said this before and i say it again.. your articles are so spot on that it almost freaks me out! I have known so many guys who were OK being the backup guy the girl settles for, only to resent later when the girl decides to move on with someone else she has a better connection with.

    Great Article Nick! only wish it was out sooner! 🙂

    • Nick Notas on September 8, 2016

      Haha, I’m reading your mind man!

      I’ve seen it with many friends as well. They think it’s still worth being with that girl because it’s better than being alone but it always catches up to them.

  6. Mike on September 8, 2016

    I was guilty of many of these things during my 16- year marriage. Not any more. Unfortunately, she left before I had the chance to right the course and be a better man.

    • Nick Notas on September 8, 2016

      I’m sorry to hear that things didn’t work out in your marriage. But there’s always something to be gained from our experiences. You realized the error of your ways, can work on them, and create an even more fulfilling, healthy relationship in the future.

  7. Saiquan on September 8, 2016

    When reading first choice vs. back-up, i was suprised at how strongly I aligned with back-ups. I almost feel ashamed of my self. I’ll give this product a try and work to improve my personal flaws.

    • Nick Notas on September 8, 2016

      I was right there with you earlier in my life. No need to feel ashamed — we’re human and life is an ongoing learning endeavor. We can always work on ourselves and become stronger, more confident individuals.