9 Things That Threaten the Male Ego But Shouldn’t

July 11th, 2014 by Nick Notas 14 Comments

Grind Brain Gears

As men, we are often driven by our pride. So when something makes us feel inferior, we respond with defense mechanisms.

We get angry or frustrated. We go on the offensive. We take it out on others.

Most of the time, things that set us off shouldn’t even bother us. We let our ego get in the way of rational thought.

You’re wasting too much time and energy for no reason. And when you’re that upset over nothing, you’re unable to build positive, productive habits. So please stop letting these 9 things threaten your masculinity.

Guys looking at your girlfriend

When a stranger checks out a guy’s girlfriend, the boyfriend usually reacts with an immediate hostile response. Being threatened by something so insignificant screams insecurity.

Unless you don’t trust your partner, you have nothing to worry about. It’s not like she’s going to be so flattered that she jumps his bones on the spot.

Instead, take it as a massive compliment. You’re dating an attractive, desirable woman. You are the high-quality guy who landed her. Be proud and smile like the badass you are.

This is only an issue if the stranger continues to pursue after you tell him that you’re a couple. At that point, it’s best to take your girl and walk away.

Men in great shape

I find it ridiculous when men scoff at men who are in great shape.

Just because a guy works out a lot doesn’t mean he’s a meathead or less intelligent. It means he gives a shit about his health and his body. He worked his ass off to get like that. It’s an amazing feat that requires dedication.

Anyone who makes fun of that usually feels shame about their appearance. Seeing a buff guy forces them to accept that they’re not taking care of themselves the same way. But there’s no need to feel like that.

Unlike some skills in life, you are 100% capable of that same feat. While you won’t likely join the NBA if you’re under 5’9”, you have the ability to be physically fit. See this as inspiration and a reference point to strive toward.

Happy couples in relationships

Don’t take out your unhappiness about being single out on other people. Why are you hating on the same fulfillment you’re so desperately seeking? It should be a reminder of something beautiful to look forward to.

That anger is a sign of jealousy and neediness. You feel less desirable because you’re single or haven’t had that kind of relationship.

You should want to be with someone special but you shouldn’t need it. A relationship doesn’t automatically make you a better person. In fact, jumping into a relationship out of the fear of being alone is unhealthy.

A great relationship is about finding someone compatible, Until then, you need to be happy with being alone. Work on yourself, take consistent opportunities to meet people, and enjoy the process.

Guys who date around a.k.a “players” 

Being upfront with women and telling them you’re looking for something casual is healthy and honest. It’s the woman’s responsibility to accept it or not.

However, a lot of men who date around automatically get labeled as players, womanizers, or misogynists. All those words imply some kind of manipulation or abuse.

I believe casual dating can help you to better understand yourself and what you want in a person. It helps you become a better partner and build strong connections with the right people. Too many people jump into relationships with the first person who ever shows interest.

Lying about not seeing anyone else or making a woman believe that you’re serious about commitment is wrong. You’re creating false expectations and setting people up to get hurt.

Everyone wants the ability to attract people they like. If you resent men who are successful with women, it’s because you feel threatened. It forces you to admit that you’re not pushing yourself to meet people or improve your social skills.

Stop focusing on those guys. Focus on your romantic goals and take small steps to achieve them. Do that and you’ll connect with plenty of women you find attractive.

Women who wear makeup

Lady_Problems_by_AlexandraDal

Source: alexandradal.deviantart.com

I laugh when I hear guys talk about their disdain for makeup. They claim they don’t think women need it or they like them better without it. 

In reality, you’re intimidated by a woman’s ability to be appear more attractive or sexual through the use of cosmetics. It also makes you feel like they’re further “out of your league”.

Now if you genuinely think all women are better without makeup, I’ll accept that. But I’ll wager that you’re just misinformed.

You don’t know how many women are wearing makeup everywhere. Even when you think they aren’t, they are – it’s just subtle. It’s called a “no-makeup” makeup look. They’re probably wearing a little foundation, concealer, lip gloss, and filled in their eyebrows. Not mention their hair, which was artfully blow-dried and styled. And I’m sure you think they look great because of it.

Yes, this includes the cute barista who makes your morning coffee. Or your co-worker who you have a crush on. And definitely your favorite female celebrity.

Stop thinking of all makeup as trashy or gaudy. Natural makeup can cover small blemishes and accentuate a woman’s given features. Embrace it.

Romance novels

Want to see a man go from happy to flustered in under 3 seconds? Mention 50 Shades of Grey.

Romance novels are indulgent and stimulating for women to read. Men are challenged when women can get that sexual satisfaction from someone who isn’t them.

So then they respond by making fun of what the woman is reading. They tease about the shitty writing or lack of substance.

C’mon, like all your guilty pleasures are so scholarly? You browse gaming blogs, Reddit memes, and spend countless hours on YouTube. Not to mention all the porn you’ve watched.

Ease up. Romance novels don’t mean women are less satisfied with you or that you can’t compete with the men in the stories. It’s just entertainment.

Getting hit on by gay guys 

This makes some guys squirm. Being found attractive by men challenges their masculinity. They become defensive and even dangerously aggressive.

Once again, don’t be mad, be flattered. Another person finds you attractive, regardless of gender. 

I’m a slim, well-dressed man with a European face. I’ve been hit on by gay men dozens of times over the years and I’ve always put a positive spin on it.

It’s only become uncomfortable when they continued to hit on me after I expressed I was straight and uninterested. I would feel the same way if it was a man or woman disrespecting my boundaries. But all I had to do was say goodbye and leave the conversation.

Promiscuous women

Most men would feel proud about sleeping with a bunch of women. However, the second a woman has sex with a few dudes, she’s deemed a slut and therefore less valuable.

I know not every guy feels this way, but I’ve met plenty who do.

We all want sex. We all crave that intimate connection. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as the intention behind it is healthy.

An insecure girl sleeps around because she’s miserable or feels worthless without that validation. A girl who’s secure in herself hooks up because she genuinely enjoys it.

I tell men they should date around to find someone who meets their standards and is compatible. Why shouldn’t women be allowed to do the same? They deserve a high-quality partner, too.

Social judgment from strangers 

This alone prevents your ability to grow and be happy. I talk to guys who are terrified of talking to strangers in public, regardless of gender.

They’re worried about random people overhearing them. They’re stressed out if the person they approach politely rejects them. Then they’re nervous again about all the people who will witness that rejection.

Why? These people all know nothing about you. They’re making an assumption based on seconds of meaningless data. That doesn’t make it true.

All the worry is in your head. Whether you get rejected, a cold shoulder, a weird look, or anything else – it doesn’t matter. You are not going to die. Your life is still the same as it was a minute ago.

I had a client a few weeks ago who couldn’t overcome this. I went to extremes to prove my point. I introduced myself to a woman with, “I am really stupid.” She smiled and laughed. I also told a group of attractive girls, “I have a small penis!” They laughed their asses off and one girl replied, “Don’t worry, me too!”

Your value as a person doesn’t change unless you rely on the validation of others. But if you love yourself and perceive yourself as worthy, outside judgments won’t change that. That is the definition of self-confidence.

— 

When you’re confident in your own worth, you won’t feel threatened by these points. You’ll accept that other people aren’t you. They have different personalities and want different things – and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you inferior.

  1. Isaac on July 11, 2014

    A couple of weeks ago I was at a bar with my girlfriend. I went to grab drinks and some guy started talking to her. When I came back, I let him know, shook his hand, and we ended up talking for a while. He was a cool dude.

    Why should I have been pissed off at him? He didn’t know and I don’t blame him for that.

    I’ve found that when you treat people with respect, they tend to return the same.

    • Nick Notas on July 11, 2014

      I agree Isaac and that’s exactly how I would have handled it. No need to make a big deal out of it.

  2. Ronald on July 11, 2014

    If a man gave a woman I was with more than a passing glance I would think he has good taste. It might be only if he started a conversation with her and seemed like he was over the top I might be concerned.

    • Nick Notas on July 11, 2014

      Right on Ronald.

    • Ardian on August 11, 2014

      We’ve all seen the guy that doesn’t take the hint, becomes aggressive, and ends up leaving with boyfriend’s girlfriend.

      What would you do in that situation?

  3. Tai on July 11, 2014

    Any reason for the lack of posting during the last few weeks?

    • Nick Notas on July 11, 2014

      I haven’t been that far behind haha, only a couple days on each post. I also released an interview for the newsletter list but didn’t publish it here.

      But yeah I’ve been a little backlogged for a few reasons. I finished moving last week which took 5 days straight, picked up a lot of new coaching clients, and have been working hard on the book.

      Now I’m caught up on everything and back on schedule 🙂

  4. Folajimi on July 11, 2014

    Nick! when’s the book coming out and what is it gonna be on??!

    • Nick Notas on July 12, 2014

      Hey Foljaimi,

      From my announcement post:

      I plan to self-publish it this year, hopefully by the fall. My goal is to answer two questions once and for all:

      “What makes an attractive man?”
      “How do you flirt in an effective yet respectful way?”

      I’m really pumped for it 🙂

  5. Cameron on July 13, 2014

    Nick, hey, i know you wont get defensive so heres my feedback: I think you need to read up on your psychology regarding the last point. I mean in particular why someone would react with inordinate amounts of fear at the thought or act of meeting a stranger and the bit about self confidence. If self confidence is the same as self esteem, it’s been found not to cause people to do better at what they want, which you claim, but is merely a result of their succes. In essence the advice to be more confident is useless; what’s actually helpful is the specific actions a guy without self esteem, and lots of fear, can do to conduct a successful social interaction. And I’m pretty sure you’ve given some good specific advice of this sort in other articles anyways, so I’m not trying to say you’ve totally missed the mark. Just thought I could share what I know.

    • Nick Notas on July 13, 2014

      Hey Cameron, always love good feedback. I actually thought about that when writing this. But I wanted to focus this point as a quick overview in the theory.

      I agree that much of self-confidence comes after successful experience. The rest of the articles on my site provide practical steps towards successful interactions to develop confidence and self-esteem. If you go through my dating 101 page, you’ll see dozens of posts with steps on overcoming anxieties, being a better conversationalist, asking better questions, and more.

      At the same time, true confidence is independent of external success. Sometimes you need to endure “negative” experiences to reinforce that they won’t kill you. It’s reminder that you can handle anything and that some people won’t connect with you which is okay in itself.

  6. dalef on July 13, 2014

    I was confident and able to approach new women (evens tens years younger than me), even when I though no woman would ever be more than friends with me, since I could handle anything they threw at me. (Which worked until one broke down when I didn’t fight for her; and then found out hers wasn’t the only heart I had broken.)

  7. Jon on July 31, 2014

    So much good stuff in here I’ll have to come back and reread it several times. I know I still fall into a few of these categories but it’s nice to know that I shouldn’t.

  8. J on November 11, 2014

    So, opposite of the “too much makeup” scenario, how is it best handled to ask a girlfriend to wear a little bit? This is a very dangerous question in my opinion because I could be misconstrued as shallow and/or superficial. However, she has this mindset of applying makeup as something she’d never do to impress a guy. Don’t get me wrong, she’s very pretty, but I think she’d look drop-dead gorgeous with a little bit of accentuation.

    How should I handle this one?

    Any thoughts from the crowd?