9 Bullshit Excuses You Use to Avoid Meeting Women

May 7th, 2015 by Nick Notas 26 Comments


Recently, I got a call from the first friend I ever started going out to meet people with.

We’d both built different lives on different coasts and it had been 2 ½ years since we last spoke. He told me he was flying back to Boston soon to see family and wanted to share some exciting news.

I had no idea of what to expect of him. I knew him as a shaggy-haired drummer with little fashion sense. He’d been scared of talking to women and always had an excuse ready to psych himself out of it.

We’d pushed ourselves for years to become more confident, social men. But I didn’t know whether or not he’d continued to grow since then.

So when he walked into our favorite Thai place, my question was answered. He was in great shape, wore a stylish leather jacket and sunglasses, and greeted me with a confident smile.

We immediately fell back into easy conversation. He told me about his successful career in data analysis and his awesome relationship with his fiancee. He asked me about my business and my life. He was well-spoken, a good listener, and completely humble.

Then he paused and said, “I want to ask you something…will you be my best man at my wedding?”

I was speechless and felt a rush of emotion. I finally responded, “Why you’d choose me?”

“Because I owe everything to you. If it wasn’t for you calling me out on my bullshit excuses, I never would have met my fiancee. More than that, I wouldn’t have been able to hold a healthy relationship with her. And I wouldn’t have become who I am today.”

By letting go of his limiting beliefs, my friend altered the course of his life. Now it’s time for you to stop making these 9 excuses and land the woman of your dreams.

  1. What if other people hear me? When this occasionally happens, it’s only for a couple seconds. No one cares about your random conversation enough to actively eavesdrop.

    Regardless, your fear of being judged for approaching someone is unfounded. From my experience, people see your approach as inspiring and brave.

    Most girls who see you know that, deep down, they’d love to meet the right guy that way (if they’re single). It’s the ultimate Hollywood romance moment. They’re thinking, “That’s so cute. I wish that would happen to me.”

    Most men who see you think you’re a badass. Every guy wishes they had the confidence to talk to attractive women. I’ve had guys over the years stare in disbelief, ask me if I really just did that, and even become clients.

  2. What if she doesn’t want to talk to me? Then she can immediately show she’s not interested and walk away. You’re not going to be groping, harassing, or saying anything vulgar to these women. You’re just introducing yourself.

    Outside of bars and clubs, women almost always reject men one of two ways: with a simple “Thanks, but I have to get going,” or “I have a boyfriend.” Quick and painless — it takes less than ten seconds.

  3. What if she rejects me? Then congratulations! Let me be the first to welcome you to the normal human experience of rejection. We all face it at some time or another.

    All rejection means is you weren’t right for that one person. Maybe they were unavailable or you didn’t fit what they were looking for. Maybe they were busy. Or maybe you didn’t make the strongest approach.

    Rejection is horrible for you because you’re taking it personally. You’re seeing yourself as less of a man. But enduring rejection makes you more of a man.

    I’ve been rejected hundreds of times and I’m proud of it. It’s made me more resilient, gave me excellent feedback, and filtered out incompatible people.

    Rejects run the world. The best writers, scientists, and entrepreneurs found success through rejection.


  4. What if she thinks I’m a creep or a weirdo? A simple hello or introduction is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a healthy way to gauge someone’s interest. And unless you’re staring menacingly at a woman from a dark alleyway, the idea of “creepiness” is bullshit.

    Two guys could approach a woman the same way with one being perceived as hot, the other as “creepy”. All that’s different is whether or not that woman was attracted. It had nothing to do with the approach.

    All you can do is present confident body language and a genuine smile. Other than that, you cannot predict whether or not someone will find you “creepy” — even if you do everything perfectly.

    So worrying about all this is a waste of time if you have no ill intentions. If someone thinks you’re weird for wanting to meet new people, they’re the weird one.

  5. She doesn’t want to be bothered. So are you suddenly a mind reader? How could you possibly know that? Maybe she’s dying to meet a great guy like you. Isn’t that just as much of a possibility?

    The truth is that you really have no idea, but your anxiety is feeding you excuses. I’ve seen guys hit it off with girls in all sorts of scenarios – while she’s listening to music, reading a book, working, or even demonstrating “resting bitch face”. You’ll never know how she feels until you try.

  6. She’s with her friends. That doesn’t mean she only wants to talk to her friends. Women go out together to meet men all the time.

    I know it can seem overwhelming to approach a group. But here’s a secret…you only have to approach the group initially. You can quickly roll into a one-on-one conversation with the girl you’re interested in. Here’s an excerpt from an older post:

    Approach the group as a whole. “Excuse me, you guys looked fun and I had to come introduce myself.” Chat them all up for a few. Then ask the friend(s) you’re not interested in if it’s okay to get the other girl’s number.

    Approach the people you’re not romantically interested in. Tell them off the bat, “Excuse me, I know this is random but I think your friend is really cute. Would it be okay if I talked to her for a minute?”

    Both ways work and the principle behind them is the same. You’re acknowledging and respecting the other people’s presence. Because of that, you’re more likely to win them over and get their permission to pursue their friend.

    If a girl’s friends care about her, they want her to connect with someone awesome.You’ll be surprised at how many friends become your cheer squad. Once they encourage her to talk to you, she’s going to be that much more likely to give you her number.

  7. I don’t have the time. Really? You don’t have a few minutes to make a potentially life-changing connection? That’s all you need to introduce yourself to someone you find attractive, hold a quick convo, and go for their number.

    We’re all busy but that’s no excuse. You can’t rely on a high-quality woman falling into your lap. You have to take a proactive stance in your dating life.

    Cut out an hour of Netflix, Reddit, or gaming and get outside of your house! Go take a walk, hit the gym, try a new hobby, check out a meetup or event, or grab a drink at the bar. Just put yourself in a position where there are new women to talk to.

    If you’re really strapped for time, you don’t have to set aside separate blocks to socialize. Integrate it into your daily life — during your lunch hour, while grabbing a coffee, or even while shopping for groceries. You can shorten your lunch by 10 minutes to talk to someone.

    Ideally, this is where you want to get to anyway. Wherever you are in your daily life, when you see a woman you want to connect with, you have the courage to go for it.

  8. It’s too late. I missed my chance. Men often use this excuse when an attractive woman walks past them. They believe a woman being an extra few steps away changes everything.

    To disprove that, I’ll often jog after those girls men say they missed out on. I’ll catch up to them, introduce myself, and if they’re interested — exchange numbers. I then walk back with my phone in hand and show my open-mouthed client.

    As long as a woman’s still in your sight, you have a chance. Take it. She’s not going to know or care whether you came from 5 feet or 20 feet.

  1. I don’t know what to say. Good, you’re not supposed to when this is all new.

    Too many men want to know how to have perfect conversations before they’ve even had one. You’re trying to guarantee a 100% success rate. Becoming competent at something isn’t just about preparing, but repeating the process over and over.

    Pick up a new instrument? You’re going to sound awful unless you keep practicing. Starting your career? You’re going to make a lot of mistakes before you learn the ropes.

    When I coach inexperienced men, I don’t even worry about having them hold conversations. Instead, I’ll have them do eye contact drills while walking or give compliments in passing.

    Eventually, I’ll give them a simple, direct introduction to use and nothing more. It’s not that I want them to fail, but rather to focus on the basics first. They need to get used to holding strong eye contact, relaxing their body language, and see that talking to an attractive woman is not a big deal.

    Only then will they will naturally feel more comfortable in conversation. Then they can focus on how to be a more dynamic conversationalist.

    I never want to hear this excuse again. Here are 5 examples you can start to practice with anyone, anywhere.

    “Excuse me. I saw you standing over here and I had to come introduce myself, I’m Name.”

    “Sweet shades/jacket/scarf.” *She says thanks* “I’m Name.” *extend hand*

    “Excuse me, I know this is completely random but I saw you drinking your coffee and was wondering if you’d like some company.”

    “I have to tell you — I love your style. What’s your name?” [standing next to her somewhere]

    “I know this is out of the blue, but I thought you were really cute and wanted to say Hi.”

You can always find excuses to talk yourself out of approaching. But they will do nothing for you. They won’t get you the woman you want, the confidence you desire, or the fulfillment you deserve.

Keep it simple. The only thing you need to ask yourself is…

“Do I find this person attractive?” If this answer is yes, then your only choice is to go talk to them.

Besides my friend, I’ve had two other clients invite me to their weddings this year — all because they randomly introduced themselves to a woman. That small decision forever changed their lives and it has the power to change yours.

  1. Brandon on May 7, 2015

    Is it bad that I’ve used all of these?

    • Nick Notas on May 7, 2015

      It’s nothing you should be ashamed of. I have said all them many times while I was overcoming my own approach anxiety. What matters is what you do now and that you stop using them in the future.

  2. Aleks on May 7, 2015

    I’ve never taken the time to break down the reasons why I don’t approach. I never thought of them as excuses, but just kind of ways to procrastinate. Now I’m thinking I’ve just been a big chicken about all this haha

    • Nick Notas on May 7, 2015

      Yeah, the mind is great at convincing us our “reasons” are valid. You’re not a chicken man, you’re just experiencing fear like the rest of us. Embrace that fear and you will find courage.

  3. Mark on May 7, 2015

    Ha! You hit the nail right on the head with all of these excuses. I’m pretty sure you debunked every excuse every guy has ever considered in one post. Well done Nick!

    • Nick Notas on May 7, 2015

      Thanks Mark! I tried to flesh out the most common ones I’ve heard over the years.

  4. Steve Burns on May 7, 2015

    I’m really happy that I found you trolling the internet (This trolling is a form of fishing, in my case). It came at the perfect time, because I’m coming into a lot of social interaction with females

    • Nick Notas on May 8, 2015

      Hey Steve,

      I’m happy that you stumbled upon my site, too and that you’re finding the advice useful. Feel free to join the forum and we’ll keep supporting you.

  5. Gabriel on May 7, 2015

    Definitely one of your best posts. Keep up the good work Nick!

    • Nick Notas on May 8, 2015

      Thanks Gabriel, I worked my ass off on it. Will do!

  6. Jaime on May 7, 2015

    You missed “I’m not like this/That is not me/Other dudes can do that because they’re X and Y but i’m not/I’m not a player”, and “Why bother, she’s hot so she probably has a boyfriend”.

    • Nick Notas on May 8, 2015

      Thanks for the suggestions — those are two I’ve definitely heard often. Now I want to update the post haha…

  7. Venage on May 7, 2015

    Really grabbing introduction in this one.
    I just wanna say I’ve said the “hey I like your style” one (I really did like her style) and the girl was like “… you like my style?” as if what I said was really weird. So I was just like “yeah that’s a good line right?”
    She just looked at me not knowing what to say and I went off, and a different girl ending up coming up to me on her own later. Then the original girl was looking at me but I didn’t go back, she missed her shot haha.

    • Nick Notas on May 8, 2015

      Lol, that’s funny. She may have just been caught off guard before. But watching you hit it off with another girl made her realize, “man I should have talked to that guy.” Social proof is a strong influence.

  8. Mario on May 7, 2015

    Tomorrow I’ll ask for a date to a girl I really find attractive. Before reading this post I wasn’t very sure, but after reading it, I know that I have more to win that to lose. Wish me luck!

    • Nick Notas on May 8, 2015

      Glad the article could be so inspiring Mario. Good luck and either way, be proud for putting yourself out there.

  9. Emilio on May 8, 2015

    Unbelievable. I’m working hard to get these excuses out of my head, yet every time i read articles like this one they hit me like a punch in the stomach.

    great job as Always mate 🙂

    • Nick Notas on May 8, 2015

      It’s not an overnight switch. You’re changing habits that have been instilled in you all your life. As long as you keep working towards that, you’ll get there.

  10. Ty on May 8, 2015

    I’m just scared because I’m a virgin. Really don’t want my first time to be a one-nighter at a bar. So then I don’t even talk to women at bars because I don’t want to go home with them even if I was successful. I’m just so confused with what I want..

    • Nick Notas on May 8, 2015

      So then don’t start with women at bars. Women are everywhere. This article is focused on teaching you how to meet them during the day, in stores, at events, or anywhere else. Choose somewhere you feel more excited about and try it out.

  11. Mark on May 8, 2015

    Nick, I loved this post. And I know you read Daring Greatly. Its like my bible. Excuses are prerequisites they are shields we think we need to protect us from the world. You are 100% correct about them being bullshit. The more we learn to ignore that voice in our head that says we can’t or shouldn’t try to live exactly the way we want, the better we become. Its changed my life 1000%. Its scary as hell, but honesty is the key to success. I always hear guys asking “what do I say, to a girl I that is attractive when I want to get her number so I can ask her out?”. Here’s the big secret: “you say: Hi, I think you are really attractive, and I would like to get your number so I can ask you out”. We all know what we want, but for some stupid reason we think we can’t just say that to women. The truth is we can and It works. Thanks for another awesome article, Nick.

  12. Visco on May 8, 2015

    That is a great advice. i just started approaching women at my work place. One common question they all ask is if I have kids..i don’t understand why they all ask that…please help me Nick

    • Mark on May 8, 2015

      Visco, When women ask about children it usually means that they see you as relationship material. This means that they are thinking “do I want to seriously date this guy?” They may be thinking this because 1) of the way you approach them or 2) because of your (or their age). The children question is also a common question women ask male friends. Women just think about children more than men do. A woman who wont date you may be interested in having fun (casual sex) or vice-versa. At you need to be honest about what you are looking for right now as well. There is noting wrong with fun or serious dating, it’s just a choice. Also, you may want to make keep your flirting, etc. to being friends with the women at work, as opposed to really dating them, for fun or relationships. Dating at work, seriously or casually can lead to problems with work. But by all means, talk to every woman you can, every chance you get. And have fun!

      • Visco on May 10, 2015

        Thanks a million Mark

  13. mus on May 12, 2015

    hey nick your articles are really great man.believe it or not im now better than ever.im no longer too afraid of approaching women ,only a few times depending on te place and situation.
    Recently i made a very serious mistake,and i have just realized it after reading your article,
    i saw this beautful girl in a group of 2 other girls and using the confidence i have gained from your articles,i went straight to them and asked the girl i was interested in if we could talk, now i realize that i totally failed to recognize the other girls presence coz i nver got any response just laughter and a walk away

  14. Dmitry on July 10, 2015

    But what do you say after the initial hello? Because it would really suck to just stand there like an idiot in silence. I mean this is all very true and great advice and very inspirational. But what if you’re not exactly an attractive young guy? What if you’re a 30 year old balding divorced father of two, who’s just now going to college because he was too dumb to do it right away like normal people do? It’s hard to talk to someone when there is no appealing factors about you. Is there a way to get around that?