6 Dating Truths Women Need to Hear But Don’t Want to

April 4th, 2014 by Nick Notas 10 Comments

Janet Leigh Psycho

 

Last week I wanted to give some hard-hitting advice. So I wrote a post on harsh dating truths that men need to hear.

But, it would be unfair to only focus on men when there are many women who could use the same reality check, too. So here’s my follow up for all you ladies who need that advice you won’t get anywhere else. 

  1. Withholding sex does not ensure a man will commit. It also does not make you more of a “catch”.

    What most women don’t know is it usually has the opposite effect than they desire. They think guys who are just in it for sex will walk away. But from my experience, that doesn’t happen.

    Many terrible guys are willing to deal with LOTS of frustration to get laid. They will wait around for weeks or months until a woman sleeps with them. As time goes by, they get more irritated and instead of it being an exciting shared moment, it becomes a game of win-or-lose.

    I’ve talked to guys who told me, “I don’t care about what happens between us at this point. I’ve invested so much and just want to fuck her.”

    The good guys who genuinely care aren’t going to run once they have sex with you. I’ve never thought, “Yes that girl finally slept with me – I got what I came for. See ya!” Nor have I judged a girl for deciding to get intimate with me. I saw it as a sign of a strong connection and trust, and it was just the next step in our relationship.

    Sex should never be used as a tool to get a man to commit to you. You’re cheapening sex and turning into a commodity when it should be a mutually beautiful experience.

    I’m not telling you to rush things either. What I’m saying is…

    Have sex when you are ready. Not when you think the guy wants to. Not when you think it’ll convince him to stay with you. Not when your friends tell you to. And not when you believe society or religion says is right. Whether that’s for casual sex or something more serious.

    That could be a first date, fifth date, or longer. No sooner or later.

    Any guy who runs the second you have sex with him wasn’t worth it anyway.

  2. Creating or seeking drama pushes quality men away. I get it. The emotional rollercoaster of drama can be addictive.

    Maybe you like seeing a guy get fired up over you. Maybe you’re feeling insecure, defensive, and need to take it out on other people. Maybe you’re worried he’s going to abandon you so you sabotage things first. Or maybe you just like the bad boy who flips out and shows his “uncontrollable passion.”

    Whatever it is, don’t indulge in it. You may think it feels good in the moment but it’s doing serious damage in the long run.

    Any man who thinks highly of himself and respects his partner does not want meaningless drama. In fact, they find it excruciatingly painful. I’m never excited to fight or get upset with my girlfriend. I’d much rather be spending that time happy together.

    Drama attracts and keeps men who relish in those feelings. You may find that endearing now but when he’s abusive, controlling, and manipulative – the fantasy wears off. All you’re stuck with is a shitty person who’s not right for you.

    In reality, what you’re probably attracted to are the qualities behind the drama and the men involved. Qualities like passion, assertiveness, leadership and a strong sexual energy. There are plenty of kind men who embody those values without being an asshole.

    Drama Queen

    This not a good look for anyone.

  3. Your partner is not turned off by your looks, he’s turned off by your perception of your looks.

    Do you know how many men have told me “I hate how my girlfriend looks”? None. But plenty tell me how they can’t stand it when their girlfriends beat themselves up about their physical appearance.

    It pains them to hear the women they care about call themselves ugly, fat, and constantly complain about their body. That even when they tell their girlfriend how attractive they are, it never sinks in.

    I’m not asking you to fake how you feel about your body. We all have insecurities and it’s not easy to turn them off. I’m asking you to consider how you’re affecting your partner. To be more conscious of the way you speak about yourself out loud — for him and you.

    How can you expect him to show you love when you show disgust towards yourself?

  4. Most of your male friends like you or want to sleep with you. Or I should say, would sleep with you if you gave them the opportunity. It’s terrible but it’s true.

    After a lifetime of talking to men about their views towards their “girl friends”, I can say it with confidence.

    Why is this important? Well it’s because this is the source of a lot of tension, resentment, and anger in men towards women. They invest a ton in a “girl friend”, don’t show their intentions, and things never progress romantically. They get frustrated and can sometimes take it out on you.

    Now this isn’t your fault…unless you’re intentionally leading him on. You shouldn’t use his interest in you to validate yourself or get favors/things from him. That’s not being a nice friend. But if you are being a good friend, you do not owe him anything for spending time with you.

    You want to avoid any problems and misconstrued expectations early on  and keep that consistent. That means you:

    – Don’t flirt with him. No sexy text messages. No drunk kisses. No telling him, “you wish you had a guy just like him”.

    – Don’t give him false hope if he does profess his interest. You have to be clear and say, “I’m sorry but I only see you as a friend.” Not, “I just don’t want to date anyone right now.” Or “Not now, but who knows in the future?” If you actually change your mind in the future, you can show your interest then.

    It’s better for a guy to know upfront and be a real friend than to wait and hurt him more later. I know you’re afraid of him leaving. But if you show him you’re not interested and he walks away, then he never wanted to be your friend. 

  5. It’s normal for your man to watch porn – within reason. You shouldn’t see that as a threat or feel jealous.

    It doesn’t mean he loves you less or wants to cheat on you. It doesn’t mean he’s unsatisfied. And he’s not thinking, “she’s so much hotter than my girlfriend” during it.

    It’s just an outlet. We’re human and we need variety.

    Men are visually stimulated while women often leave things to the imagination. His porn is your sexy romance stories. Think of it as a different medium.

    The only time porn becomes a problem is when it negatively affects your relationship. For example, he masturbates so much it impacts his ability to perform in bed. Or watches so much porn that he has less sex, or no sex at all with you – then that’s an issue.

    Porn Addiction

    If you find him like this every day, then you can start to worry.

  6. You’re not there to fix him and he’s not there to fix you. You’re supposed to be in an equal partnership that promotes individual growth, together.

    We all make our own choices in life. And no one can change until they’re ready to change, all on their own.

    Relationships that require one or more of the parties to “fix” the other always ends in disappointment. It typically follows this progression:

    – The “fixer” is eager to do anything to help the “fixee”. The fixee becomes dependent on the fixer to solve their problems.

    – The fixee doesn’t put effort into improving themselves, for themselves. They can make temporary changes but will revert back. They feel insecure because of it. They feel worse about themselves and out of defensiveness may blame the fixer for their continued struggles.

    – The fixer gets frustrated at the lack of progress because they care. They may feel the fixee isn’t as invested in their own improvement and find that to be selfish. The fixer feels hurt and unappreciated being the only one putting in effort while getting blamed for trying to help. This all builds resentment which they take out on the fixee.

    – This cycle of insecurity, resentment, attacking, and lack of change persists. Either both parties stay miserable or someone eventually leaves.

    The best partners don’t try to care for the other person like a helpless child. They listen well, share insight, and empower them to evolve.

I work with women, too! Contact me for a free consultation today.

  1. Melissa on April 4, 2014

    I wish more girls realized how they’re ruining their friends’ chances with guys.

    I have a friend who always pulls me away when I’m talking to a guy at the bar. I always went along with it because well…she was my friend and I didn’t want her to feel left out. When I finally stood up to her about it she got mad and tried to guilt trip me. We still hang out occasionally, but definitely not around guys.

    • Nick Notas on April 4, 2014

      Hey Melissa,

      I know exactly what you mean. I’ve personally dealt with this and have seen guys deal with this numerous times. One second you’re hitting it off and laughing, the next she’s being dragged away and mouthing “sorry”.

  2. Karl on April 4, 2014

    I just broke a 5 month relationship off. I really cared about this girl but she struggled with low self-esteem and depression. She kept asking me for help but became very mad and defensive whenever I tried. Reading your last point resonates with my decision to break it off.

    • Nick Notas on April 4, 2014

      Sorry to hear things didn’t work out Karl. But I’m glad you realized your limitations before things got too serious. Hopefully this sparks a change in her to take more personal responsibility.

  3. Noah on April 4, 2014

    I really like your point about how sex shouldn’t be seen as something to be “held hostage” until the girl gets what she wants. Thankfully, I don’t know many girls who are like that anymore, but I definitely did in the past. I think it stems from society’s view that having sex “too early” cheapens the relationship, which is total BS in my opinion. Some people (both men and women) seem to have an idea that there is some arbitrary point in time, after which it’s okay to have sex, but anytime before would be slutty/dirty/whatever. When in reality thinking like this just overcomplicates things and treats sex as some sort of “forbidden fruit.”

    Great article as always, Nick.

  4. Don on April 7, 2014

    I’m a laid-back guy and dated a girl once that seeked out drama. The relationship ended because I couldn’t take it anymore. Every day there was another issue with someone or something else. It became too much. I did my best to talk about it, but it never sunk in. She was a great girl too.

  5. beth on August 19, 2015

    Hey

    I was wondering if you could help me out.

    I have been seeing a guy for almost 3 months. From the start he said he wasn’t interested in a “full on serious relationship” and at that stage I wasn’t either. He then told me 5 weeks ago that he had feelings for me but wasn’t ready to commit to them yet. I was intoxicated and my reaction was “okay we should stop sleeping together/talking etc.” Up until this point it had been really perfect and he always replies asap, initiates to hang out etc. After this conversation he came back really strong without even a day in between where there was no contact and kept initiating plans e.g., going away together and paying for it. We didn’t sleep together for 2 weeks but as he lives with 4 of my best friends, we fell back into a sleeping together arrangement again and things pretty much went back to where they stopped. I had a conversation with him this week because I really wanted to know where I stand. He pretty much said that he didn’t want “rules” i.e., you can’t sleep with someone else, however for this time we would only sleep with each other and if we did sleep with someone else then we would have to tell each other and it would change what we have. I was happy with this. When it came to kissing other people, he said that because I wasn’t his girlfriend, I wouldn’t need to tell him if I kissed someone else because it would hurt him but if i were his girlfriend, he would want to know. I pretty much said I disagree and coming from a place of security that it would be nice to know that he wasn’t out kissing other girls. He doesn’t’ go out much either which he used to try and reassure me. I told him that due to the living situation and fear of getting hurt I may want to remove myself from the situation.

    Overall I was happy with the conversation but upon reflection I’m wondering if he just sees me as a friends with benefits thing (even though we have feelings for each other?) or whether he sees it going somewhere and he just needs more time…

    What is your advice with my next step? I’ve given myself a week away from him because of exams anyway and time to gather my thoughts. Should I bother bringing it up again, should I stop sleeping with him or should I keep sleeping with him in the hope that he will give me what I want eventually? I guess where I’m confused is that if I stop sleeping with him… he may see me as needy and full on considering it’s only 3 months in. But at the same time I don’t want to keep sleeping with him if it is just going to hurt me and he will never give me what I want.

    Please help, thanks.

  6. Marie on September 24, 2015

    Okay. I fell on the whole fixer, fixee problem.
    My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now and I’m trying to find insight on if I am being unreasonable or not.
    The situation is, his way of dealing With an issue or his problem, is taking the time away, and figuring it out by himself and me giving him the time to do it on his own. I don’t like that because I want to be able to be something that helps him fix it and I want to be able to help him with some sort of input. Now, I know and realize, that he doesn’t work that way, and I know that it doesn’t help when I do put input, so I adapted the way I wanted to help him to the way that helps him. When he needs to solve an issue himself or needs the time to work through something on his own, I give it to him because I know that’s how he works, and that is how I can cotribute to help him with a problem.
    I was raised in a family that relies on comfort. And when I have a problem, I don’t necessarily want him to fix it, but I want him to be there for my comfort. There are times when I just need to be able to cry things out, and be held and for someone to be there for comfort until I calm down by myself. Now, I don’t want every moment that is a problem be solved by bawling in his arms every single time I get upset or overwhelmed, but there are occasional times when I need it. When I cry, he feels the need to calm me down or finda way to make me happy. Yeah, he lets me cry for a little while but after a few minutes he has to find a way to calm me down or cheer me up. I need to be able to just cry for a while and be held until I can calm myself down. My best friend has provided me this type comfort when I need it and it does help. I have explained to him that that is how I wish to be comforted when I need the comfort, and have also mentioned that this does not mean that I always need it or that I want him to drop everything to hold me and deal with my crying for 30 minutes every single time I feel like crying. It lets me know that he is willing to be there for me for a little while and give his time to let me cry in his arms.
    When I explained this to him, he told me that his way of needing the time to go off by himself and sort things out on his own doesn’t consume time for anyone else but himself and that its more efficient for him. But my way of wanting comfort involves him sitting there letting me bawl while holding me for however long that takes until I feel like stopping. He said that if there was something he wanted me to do, like cheer me up, or find a way to calm me down, or go punch someone, or do some sort of thing to contribute to it to make it better, that he could do that, but just letting be cry while he comforts me doesn’t involve him doing something to make it better or to fix it and that it is more time consuming for him.
    I am completely willing to figure things out on my own and have told him that I don’t expect him to fix my problems for me or have a solution, and I don’t. I know that my problems are mine and that I need to find a way to solve them myself, but I still need the comfort and reassurance that he is there and that moment every so often (not regularly because that, I know, is unreasonable) to just be able to cry it out and have him hold me. My question is, is this something that is unreasonable for me to want, because I don’t know if it is or not, and I can’t really ask any of my girl friends about it because they do not have the perspective I need to be able to explain to me if this is wrong for me to want or not. Is this something I need to just suck up and just to deal with on my own and find something else to give me that comfort or is it reasonable for me to want this comfort from him? because he is the one person I care about the most and want the most intimate comfort from.. And if it is something that is reasonable for me to want/need from him then how do I explain it to him in a way that he will understand and perceive in a way that makes sense?

    • Anonymous on November 13, 2015

      I know what you mean. I feel like I have a similar issue with my partner. If you want to chat, email me, I’d love to know how you’re coping.

      ged88_au@yahoo.com.au

  7. NellyR on January 30, 2016

    Yup, that’s a damn good article, all girls should read this. Especially that withdrawing sex part.